


fast forward to death day (rewind)

by constelixion



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Hyunlix, M/M, Mentions of Death, and other sideship/s, and with that... we have minor character death/s, but u will have ur hyunlix fluff i promise, have mercy on me and my imagination im a rookie writer, im warning u this aint for the faint hearted, its gonna be a wild ride, maybe thats just me but i hurt myself from doing the outline of this fic, mostly felix' thoughts and sufferings bc he's my bias and im projecting myself onto him, tagging the other members as minor characs bc not really sure if they're considered major hh, you will have a hard time understanding how time and things work here so pls bear with me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-08-22
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:46:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 62,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23957884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/constelixion/pseuds/constelixion
Summary: Despite the universe conspiring to never give him a break, average university boy Felix smiles through his mess of a life to survive daily struggles. That is until he utters a phrase which leads to him living his life backwards. Before he reaches the day where it all began and ceases to exist, he meets someone who shares the same fate. Together, they find a way to fix things and a way to each other's hearts.
Relationships: Hwang Hyunjin/Lee Felix
Comments: 16
Kudos: 43





	1. freedom is an illusion

Felix is not okay. Well, he doesn't think he's ever been okay in his years of existence. But he certainly knows that today is not going to be one of those days when he's got a little hope pumping through his veins to help support the smile he has to put on for hours. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that hope can't seep through his veins as much as blood can't seem to find a space there because he's been running on caffeine for the past 24 hours. Or is it 36? Felix doesn't know and he doesn't give a damn. Maybe it has something to do with the air today. It makes Felix' mind flit and flutter and land on a reminder of his cruel reality that he'd rather forget right now.

It doesn't help that his professor was openly voicing his opinions, or rather unnecessary criticisms, about the output they have passed a few days ago. 

_He could've just left a note on the back of the canvas, returned it back to us after he's recorded it and left us to deal with it on our own. But no! He had to embarrass us and bare our flaws in front of the class like it's some ridiculous display,_ Felix thought. 

He takes a glance at the side of the table in front and counts the canvases left, wishing that time would work its magic like the way they do in movies when the protagonist so desperately wants to escape something. Three. There were three canvases left and Felix screams at the back of his head as he tries to not let out a sound of screeching tires at the process. It may sound ironic, but Felix was hoping that his surname would just roll off his professor’s tongue because he's so close to cutting it himself. And because he just wants to get over with everything. He’d most definitely hear his _completely_ unbiased judgment now than have it last as if it’s a perfect finale for a comedic masterpiece.

He puts his hands together and leans down, placing his head on top of it. He closes his eyes at an attempt to calm his nerves, only to hear a dreadful voice.

"Lee?" Felix feels relief, embarrassment and fear wash over him at the same time. He doesn’t think it can happen but he feels it anyway. And he doesn’t like how it’s dripping over the goosebumps in his skin.

“Yes, Sir?” Felix hears his voice quiver. He mentally slaps himself for letting his guard down and sounding so weak. He sounded so unsure of himself and that wasn’t right. That wasn’t him. At least to other people. He was the embodiment of happiness, the personification of the sun. So after a second, which probably took away a few years from his lifetime, he flashes the brightest smile he could muster. 

“Stop sleeping in my class,” his professor remarked. 

Suddenly, his brain was twitching. He wanted to say something, defend himself from the accusation. Sure, he hasn’t slept in what feels like forever. But he has never once slept through a class in respect for the efforts of his professors. No matter how shitty of a person they are, he just can’t do it. That’s not right. 

But he keeps his mouth shut and nods his head like a dutiful dog to its owner, because he knows better than stirring up a fight.

“Noted, Sir. I apologize.” 

“You should be sorry for yourself, kid. Your parents fund your education and here you are slacking off,” he replied with a monotonous voice. Almost as if he didn’t care, but he had the spare time to talk about things he’s clearly not aware of.

_I already feel sorry for myself, no need to remind me. It’s not like I’ve forgiven myself either._

Felix answers with silence and a small smile this time.

“Hmm, let’s evaluate yours shall we?” 

Criticisms don’t really sit well with Felix. That, you can probably tell by now. He’s received it most of his life and it’s not really something you can make friends, or at the very least, make peace with. He’s received prejudices and hateful words even on his birthdays. And it’s fine. It’s not really fine because it fucks up his few ounces of self-confidence, of strength to push through every waking day. But it’s fine in a sense that he can take it. He can live with it. He has to.

But when it hits his insecurities in the right places, it’s another thing. It’s like getting another validation that maybe your purpose is wrong, or you never had one in the first place. It builds a pit in your stomach, draining out every piece of you. It’s a shot to the heart, sending it to a rhythm of sad lullabies that cradle you on nights where you feel a little too small for the world, where you feel that there’s not enough space for you to fit in. 

Felix isn’t entirely insecure about his art. It’s his soul. He isn’t entirely confident either. Especially when your professor’s got a master’s degree on making people feel pitiful.

“Okay. I guess that’s fine. Clearly nothing special, though. I’ve seen many artworks that like, give off the same sort of vibe. Try and stand out a bit, yeah?” 

Felix senses something brewing beneath him. And no, it wasn’t his blood. This time he wishes it was because tears are threatening to fall from his glassy eyes. And he isn’t sure if he could handle it if it breaks because he’ll soon come shattering afterwards. 

_Cool down, Felix, yeah?_

“Will do, Sir.” His professor gives him a weird look before fixing his things to leave the room.

“Well, at least, I have one student who looks okay after my class,” he acknowledged while nodding to himself.

Felix breathes out a sigh after everyone storms out to get to their next classes, looking down to glance at the hand he was unknowingly sitting on earlier to hide its shaking. He fiddles with a pen to try and wrap his head around what just happened, to piece together his sanity. Felix reminds himself that criticisms exist for a reason. They’re there to help you grow. His professor didn’t mean any harm, right? _Wrong_. But okay sure, right. 

“Can’t wait for my second class!” Felix half jokes and half hypes himself up. He gives himself the support that, apparently, no one can give him.

_This is gonna be a long day, Felix. Buckle up._

Felix smiles and greets everyone who passes by him near the ledges, on one of the few open spaces at the top floor of their building. He initiates small talk with the few people he’s seen around in campus and those who’ve been in his classes. It doesn’t completely distract him from a thousand words and feelings that swim around in his head, wanting to be let out into the universe. But the act makes his emotions flicker only every once in a while. And he’s contented with that. It’s far better than drowning in your own thoughts with no one to save you but yourself, isn’t it?

Once he’s left alone, he takes in the scenery before his eyes. It was a common picture so it doesn’t really take his breath away. But it was enough to bring a wave of serenity flush through his lungs, especially with the clouds crowding the sky. It screams a sense of freedom— something he doesn’t have. But it was something he craves, which is why he’s so drawn to art. 

The skyline doesn’t take away the insecurities, doubts and negative feelings, but it makes him feel a bit better. It reminded him that he did art more for himself than for anyone else. 

As he finds himself lost in his thoughts, he feels something cold crawl up to his cheek. Literally. It was Jisung trying to get his attention.

“I literally sat down beside you and you didn’t even notice.” Jisung complained and dragged Felix to sit with him on the floor. “What’s up?”

“Nothing much.” Felix shrugged and drank half of the can of soda Jisung used to press to his cheek. 

“Come on, Felix. Talk to me. I’m bored out of my wits after that history lesson in my last class.” His friend demands and shoves a plate full of fries and sandwich to his face. “And stop asking me to just buy you soda every meal. Eat something. I don’t wanna be responsible if you die.”

“Ji, I don’t have money to pay you for all these.” Jisung stuffs Felix’ mouth with a handful of fries.

“It’s on me.” 

Felix thinks staring at the sky has been a mistake because the clouds ended up flooding his head, blurring his supposed coherent thoughts.

He appreciates the affection, really. He understands why Jisung did what he did and if he were in that situation, he’d be a good friend too and bring the other the least bit of a proper meal. Of course, he loves the food. He’s happy Jisung cares. And all these summed up just makes him feel even worse because he can’t help but be upset at the situation. 

It’s like pitying yourself so early in the morning only to end up being pitied at noon. He knows Jisung doesn’t think that way, though. But it’s just how it looks like to him. 

He doesn’t like receiving things from other people. He’s used to working hard to get things he knows he deserves to have. Because that’s how it should be. Nothing in the world is free, so why should he accept something from someone else’s hard work? 

But it’s not like his stomach is crying out for food to digest, so he can’t refuse it. He doesn’t want Jisung to feel bad either.

_Fuck it, I don’t need to have this debate with myself if I wasn’t dirt poor or something._

So he chokes on unspoken words and fries and brings it down his throat with a gulp of soda.

“What’s going on with you today? You were sleeping at first period too. Things are that hard these days for you?” Jisung brings a brownie closer to his direction. Felix shakes his head, politely declining the offer because he’s all too aware of his friend’s obsession with sweet things.

_It’s just my birthday, worst day of the year, and things aren’t exactly going my way either. That’s what’s going on._

“Just a lot on my head.” Felix settles with being vague, thinking that Jisung probably doesn’t want to hear about his never-ending sentiments over being poor. How it’s tiring, draining and unfair but he can’t do anything about it. Because choice and opportunities only come from and for upper classes, not from down below. How he’s probably living through the biggest mistake of his life which is being an art student despite his socioeconomic class. How he feels so insecure about anything and everything. And how he’s missing someone by his side right now.

And he doesn’t want to talk about it either. It’s better locked up in his head, weighing him down, than be misunderstood because that’ll just be another heavy chain pulling and tormenting him. Not that Jisung’s that type of friend. No. He’s just shit at getting his point across. So no, he’s not attempting it.

“Is that the reason for, you know? Because you haven’t been getting sleep?” Jisung gestures his hands on the air, morphing some kind of thought that makes Felix even more confused. He chuckles at his mess of a friend.

“What do you mean with you know?” Felix digs his head onto the wall they were leaning on as if it’s some soft material. Seconds later, he was banging his head on it gently but repeatedly.

“Your output. I mean, I kinda have to agree it just looks, I don’t know? Sad, I guess.” Jisung commented while wincing at his words. “It’s just not you. Look at you! You’re my sunshine soulmate! You’re more than those cliche sulky artworks. But that’s just me, okay? You don’t have to take my words as they are.”

“Yeah, sure. I love a good opinion from a friend. It’s just the caffeine getting to my head. It’s a drug! Coffee should be banned,” Felix jokes dramatically and Jisung agrees the same way.

But Felix manages to keep up the smile as Jisung talks while he tunes out the words he lets out.

_That’s it, Felix. That’s your confirmation. You just took your professor’s advice harshly because you didn’t like what he said. But your friend right here, he thinks the same._

Felix feels like he’s been lied to. He pictures the universe laughing at him for being so gullible. For believing that he could make it out there with passion alone and if he didn’t, he’d be fine with being happy doing what he loves. Well, doing what he loves and starving to death, at that. 

It’s not really everyday that he gets a break from his insecurities. But he settles with nodding his head, surrendering and agreeing that it was stupid of him to think that he can have a rest on his birthday. He mentally slaps himself for giving in to false hope. He mentally slaps himself for not getting used to being hurt when he’s encountered it as if it was his shadow. Never truly gone. But when it’s there you can’t seem to come close to it to get your revenge. 

He bobs his head up and down, imagining it taking off into astral orbit. He laughs to himself, thinking that he’s absolutely gone crazy.

“Why are you laughing? I’m expressing my hate on coffee and how it tastes so bad but humans can’t seem to get enough of it especially when they need to keep themselves awake.” Jisung angrily bites off his burger as Felix laughs to himself again.

_Oh to be well-off and just worry about how coffee is a threat to humanity._

“Nothing, I just think that this place is absolutely wack. Let’s eat somewhere else next time,” Felix commented, standing up and dusting himself after finishing his food in a jiffy. 

“Yeah, but you suggested this place. And I kinda got used to it now.”

“Oh did I?”

“You remember that time when—“

“Well, I’m kinda sick of it now. Something about the air here makes it difficult to breathe.” Felix jokes and pretends to slam his chest. “Thanks for the lunch, Ji. I’ll make it up to you by being the bestest friend ever. Gotta go, I’m late for my class.”

“Oh my god, go! Don’t get scolded by another one of your professors.” Felix watches Jisung wave with his entire body and the brightest expression ever as he fades away from his sight. 

As he turns the corner, he slams himself in the chest in an attempt to actually feel oxygen lining through his airways. 

Remember what he said about freedom? It’s stupid to find it in his art when he can’t spare himself from his own thoughts.

Freedom is an illusion and he was his own trickster.

Felix doesn’t usually work during this day of the week and no matter how much he needs some sort of distraction to avert his mind to, he’d rather be somewhere else. But here he is, basking in the peacefulness floating in the air and eyeing the cinnamon rolls on display, after a co-worker texted him that he has to go home to his province to see his family.

 _Family_. Of course, he can never say no to that. 

Ever since the start of his shift, he’s kept count of the amount of cinnamon rolls left whenever a customer orders one, hoping that there’ll be at least a piece or two left so he can take it home. 

He’s not obsessed with it, he’s really not. He just needs some comfort food right now and cinnamon rolls happen to be the one that can satisfy the cravings of the sadness bubbling deep in his soul, clawing at his throat. He thinks it’s a stupid excuse or a rather poetic one, but he just wants things to go his way even once. Even the pettiest of things.

Working hours were slow in the cafe and it’s not really busy around this time of the day too. That’s why someway, somehow, Felix enjoys the sight before him. He likes sliding his eyes across the room, observing how the customers sit in different ways. How some stay for hours on end and others stay for a good ten minutes, as if just needing a breather from the toxic world. He likes guessing about the lives they live too, likes making cute little stories about it. He likes drawing small realizations from them, likes starting up conversations while he takes their orders.

As his shift’s a few minutes from coming to a close, he greets the owner of the cafe, who became a good friend of his too.

“Hyung, I’m getting my cinnamon roll, okay?” Felix starts up the chat. He sits on the counter at the back of the cafe and swings his feet like a little kid sitting on top of the world. Which he can’t do, by the way— sit at the top of the world.

“Sure sure, help yourself. Get three pieces, okay? There’s still some more here at the back so don’t worry about it,” Changbin replies, standing beside Felix while looking through a few papers. Felix glances at them only to look away seconds later. He’s quite glad he doesn’t have to deal with all that shit.

“I was planning to tell you I’ll get one and probably sneak out another one, but okay. I guess I have to follow what my boss says.” Felix laughs and gets an eye roll and a chuckle from Changbin.

“Stop calling me your boss, it makes me look old.” Changbin complains. “But anything for my favorite employee, yeah?”

“Don’t call me your employee! I’m a friend!” Felix demands through Changbin squishing his cheeks.

“Why aren’t you leaving yet? Your shift is almost over.” 

“Because of work ethics. I’m not supposed to leave unless the next guy is here,” Felix explains while jumping off the counter. He gets a paper bag and lets himself coat in warmth and delight for the first time today as he gets three cinnamon rolls.

“Felix, go easy on yourself and leave. This isn’t even supposed to be your shift.” Changbin scolds him but Felix responds with a cinnamon roll and a blinding smile. “What’s this?”

“A cinnamon roll, hyung.” Felix says seriously, until Changbin slaps his thigh and sends him to a laughing fit. “I meant eat it, hyung. You look like your brain could use some fuel.”

“Thanks.” Changbin mumbles while chewing on the pastry. “But I meant what I said, though.”

“I don’t half-ass anything, hyung. That’s just wrong.” Felix replied with an inexplicable look on his face. Something along disgust and unfamiliarity, as if the thought of not giving his best is a stranger, completely baffling. “Why would you even do something if you’re not gonna give it your all and even more so, not finish it?”

“Felix, do yourself a favor and don’t get swayed by your principles all the time. I mean don’t you hate working? People should hate working! That’s the normal!” Felix was giggling at his friend’s grand gestures and the way they differ in opinion. He sees a customer entering the door so he hops off to attend to them.

The customer seems to be zoning out while looking at the menu. Felix thinks he’s never seen her in his time here so she must be new to the place, guessing from how her eyes are busy looking around the place too. He gives her a smile as if saying that she can take her time. The customer seems to have understood so she _really_ took her time.

Felix got the time to roam his vision on the empty walls of the cafe. It doesn’t feel empty, though. It has a cozy atmosphere to it, even. It’s elegant and minimalistic and he remembers complimenting Changbin about it one time. But he can’t help but picture it with a little bit of color, a little bit of life. And he itches to bring it up to his friend.

“What’s up with that customer? She took so long,” Changbin criticized. He frowns as he takes in Felix’ expression, raising his eyebrows a second later as if asking what’s wrong.

“Ah just, she was new to the place so I gestured that it’s no bother and she can take her time. And the walls, hyung. I just took notice of it. I didn’t want to be annoying but I just need cash right now. And not that it’s mainly about cash. I mean I for sure need cash. But I’d love to see my artworks here and I’d love to see your cafe with color, hyung.” Felix rambled while fiddling with the hem of his sleeves. He knows the answer to it, but he can try, can’t he?

“You know, Felix, I’d love that too. Not just as your hyung who’d be proud of you for doing such. But also your boss who thinks it’ll be really great for the interior. But we’re short of cash right now, you know that, right? I promise, I really really want to do it. But it’s unfair for you if I can’t pay you, isn’t it?” Changbin explains with all sincerity and honesty that Felix can’t help but understand. He looks at him with sad eyes and a sad smile too, all with too much love oozing from behind it. This is why he looks up to and loves Changbin so much, he shows so much affection to the younger but he also keeps him grounded, like a father figure. Something he can’t describe for sure because he’s never had one.

“Sorry, I feel like I’m asking for too many favors. But by chance, have you found someone who can room with me to share finances?” Felix squints after asking one after another. It’s pitiful he knows, but he’s got to swallow his pride this time.

“It’s fine, Felix. Really. I’m glad I can help.” Changbin flashes a reassuring smile only to sigh afterwards. “But no, I haven’t had luck. Sorry.”

“Hyung, don’t be sorry. It’s not your obligation anyway. Cheer up! I hate seeing you sad.” Felix pouts and holds out his arms for a hug. The older humbly goes in for it.

“But still…”

“Two minutes before my shift ends! I’m gonna leave to help you feel better.” Felix smiles as he digs his chin onto the other’s shoulder.

“How’s that gonna make me feel better?” Changbin asks with genuine curiosity as Felix pulls away from the hug. He gets no answer as Felix walks away, heading towards the door.

“I’m not abiding by my principles! I’m taking your advice!” Felix yells while holding out the door, stalling so he can see the smile creep up his friend’s face. 

Once he sees Changbin shake his head and smile to himself, he closes the door. But he shouts one last time, making sure to be heard.

“God, I hate work!”

“That kid is really something else.” Changbin whispers to himself. Unheard by Felix, but he’s sure the boy knows it by heart. And he’s glad he’s got someone who can cheer him up despite being sad himself. Yeah, Felix is really something else.

Something else meaning he runs out of luck a lot faster than the normal person would. Felix can’t believe that the cinnamon rolls are going to be the only good thing he’s gonna get out of today. But he’s gonna try his hardest to beat the odds and the rain that suddenly came pouring down on his face, because why not?

Felix treads the narrow hallway of his apartment building, dragging his foot with every step. He was feeling heavy, from the extra weight the rain slipped him and his clothes in and from the purpose he failed to fulfill today. 

As he enters his cramped up space, he stubs his toe against a cabinet because the furnitures sit so nearby. He hisses, annoyed at the stinging pain he feels, annoyed at the water dripping all over the place, annoyed at not giving a fuck about it, annoyed at the image of him probably cursing himself the next morning. 

Though it doesn’t seem like it, Felix has a love and hate relationship with the rain. And he thinks of it as he stares at the raindrops racing down his window, as if trying to see who can go down first. As if mocking Felix for not making it to his destination on time. But it reminds him of an all too cold room, not like the warm sheets that kiss some of his bare skin as the night progresses, leaving him practically showered with sweat the next morning. It reminds him of an all too warm person, not like the cold presence of loneliness nursing him for years now but he’s nowhere near used to it. It reminds him of reassuring smiles, held back tears, goodbyes, bedtime stories and most importantly, a home.

The catch is it’s bittersweet. Because they’re all memories that he holds so dear to his heart. But that’s all they’ll ever be— memories that come pouring with the rain. Overflowing his eyes to the brim. Overwhelming his heart until it hurts. 

He clutches onto his shirt, right above where his heart should be, not shattered, not broken either. It’s just not in the right condition because he feels tightening somewhere there as he tries not to cry.

He takes advantage of the moist growing on the window, spreading like wildfire and the pain in his chest. He draws a small birthday cake, not taking the time to add the littlest of details before the air takes it away in a swift move along with all his hopes and prayers. But he adds a few sloppy-looking lines, laughing at himself because he can’t get it right after all these years. He takes in a sharp breath after convincing himself that they were badly made candles. It gets stuck in his throat, though. And as he slowly blows at his candles, he realizes that the air was condensing to tears hanging by his lashes.

“You’re not crying today, Felix.” He blinks the tears away, pretending that the liquid latching onto the fabric of his pillow was from the raindrops sticking on his hair. “You can cry tomorrow but not today.”

It sends shivers down his spine, the act of hearing that in someone else’s voice despite knowing he’s said it himself.

“Sorry, Mom, I just miss you today.” Felix laughs and watches his walls crumbling down. He starts sobbing loudly, shaking, while hugging his knees closer to his chest.

He was almost shrinking because of the way he held himself. Suddenly, the apartment he can barely afford felt like the entire world and the world felt like the vast cosmos. He felt so alone amidst the countless stars, like their brightness was dulling his. 

“Like literally missed you. I couldn’t come see you because of the rain. But you love the rain so I couldn’t entirely blame it. That’s like blaming you.” Felix holds out his hand, wanting to touch the rain, but is met with the feel of the glass on his palm. He laughs at the irony. At the way he just said that the rain was a piece of his Mom. It’s close but so far from his reach.

“Was that you telling me to do my painting instead of seeing you?” Felix jokes and senses a familiarity. “You always do that. Not wanting me to see you when I want to. When I need to. Stop deciding for the both of us, Mom.”

He picks up a few of his art materials to try and get a hold of himself. He can’t show up in class tomorrow without something to submit, can he?

“I’ll take that as you want me to change what people think of my art that’s why you did that, yeah?” He doesn’t even notice what just came out of his mouth and suddenly he’s grieving over the loss of a loved one and the never-ending struggles of being an artist.

“Maybe if you were here you’d steer me towards better decisions.” Felix said only to take it back earlier. “No, maybe if you were here you’ll be more excited about art school than I would be. You’d tell me to not worry about the finances. And I’ll get my number one supporter back.”

He lets out a shaky breath. He lets out a _fuck, I can’t do this_ and drops his paintbrush to the floor along with his heart.

“But then again you’re not here because you wanted me to study. You’re not here because you wanted me not to worry about the finances. You’re not here because you’re my number one supporter.” Felix was almost shouting but he didn’t wanna bother his next door neighbors. “But that’s not how you support me, Mom! You don’t leave me alone! Not on my birthday!”

It’s been years. Felix wanted to say he has lost count. But he actually hasn’t. Just like the way he tells his Mom that he has moved on and is enjoying his life every time he comes to visit his grave on her death anniversary, the same day as his birthday. He actually hasn’t. He misses talking to his Mom after school. It’s not exactly fun in hospital rooms, there’s not much you can do. Except be hyper aware of the sounds the equipments were making and distract yourself. But he’d rather have it than his apartment. He’d rather have it because it comes with his Mom. And there’s not a waking day that his stomach twists whenever he sees something she loves, something they did together and something they could do together. It’s another type of pain, something that glosses in his eyes and builds a home in his mind, almost wanting him paralyzed. Because he can’t help but blame himself.

But despite the sadness he fights through everyday, especially on days like these, he just wishes his Mom was in a better place. It’s completely selfish of him to miss her and want her back when all she can probably recall was tests, injections, laboratory procedures and medications from her life here.

He knows being sad on his birthday is selfish of him too, because his Mom would probably want him celebrating it. But how can he?

So with all the arguments in his head, he releases his anger into the world to get his shit together.

“Being dead is probably fucking easier than living on earth. Can I just fucking fast forward to my death day? Like zooooooom bam! I’m dead!” Felix slides his hand up and down his face.

“I’m going to bed. I’m dealing with this in a few hours.” 

Just like that, he calls it a day. One heck of a day. Not knowing what’s in store for him when he wakes up. 

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a self indulgent fic but i hope whoever reads it enjoys it!!! this is pretty descriptive but the next updates will have more action and i'll probably update soon bc i have nothing better to do. hyunlix meeting next chapter!


	2. you're from the past too

_The rain was slamming against the car roof, mirroring the piercing rhythm of their conversation. There was a sudden weight sitting at the core of their hearts at the mention of a topic that wasn’t supposed to be brought up. Rather, one that should’ve been told long ago. One that was prolonged. And so when it struck them like the lightning illuminating the angered sky, it was bound to hurt. And they were both so adamant on being heard, not willing to lend an ear._

_Sharp turns._

_Blinding lights._

_Crashing sound._

_And so it happened._

_The height of their emotions was replaced with sheer terror. But Felix was quick to act. No, not to escape from death. It’s inevitable at this point. He hugs the man beside him, taking the full blow of the impact._

_He doesn’t recall much but he remembers falling out of the vehicle, his hand resting gently on the back of the other’s head. He doesn’t look quite fine, but compared to the pain wanting to take Felix into the wings of lifelessness, the blood trickling down his spine and his blurring vision, he takes it that his attempt to protect the other was quite successful._

_As he falls on his back, he hears a familiar voice calling his name. And he nears the doors of death at the sound of the other sounding so weak._

_He wants to tend to him, assure him that they’ll make it and that help will arrive soon. But he’s not okay himself. And he can’t stay awake any longer. So he closes his eyes. As much as he regrets it and as much as he doesn’t want to, he takes it’s rest._

_“If I could rewind time, I’ll fix everything between us.”_

Felix opens his eyes at the same time tears trail down his cheeks. They stain the same pillow that kept him company last night when he had no shoulder cry on. He thinks the pillow needs a break and genuinely wonders if inanimate objects like it feel something unknown to humans.

But that’s not his main concern right now. His mind darts back to the dream he just had as he runs his hand through his hair. He was completely distraught at the fact that he had just seen himself die. It was a weird feeling, something along the lines of being resurrected. Especially because it felt so real. Not to mention, he died so tragically as if it wasn’t enough that his life could pass as a movie sappy teens like to watch and romanticize. 

What’s even more confusing was that he couldn’t quite grasp the situation. It was vivid but at the same time cryptic. And more than being glad that he is definitely alive and kicking, he feels sadness take over his body.

A few moments later, after he’s drunk a good amount of water and an ungodly amount of coffee, he realizes that he was thinking too much into a dream. 

And that this, _this is his reality_. He repeats that to himself as it dawns on him that he woke up a lot later than he intended and he has a class to attend in a few hours. And he’s nowhere near finished with his damned painting. 

He knows better than panicking and wasting efforts only not to make it in time. So he contemplates on skipping classes today, though he’s never done that in his entire life. Which is why he was hitting himself in the head with a water bottle. But it’s not gonna hurt, right? He had the worst day yesterday so that’s enough excuse, right? _Wrong._

So to stop himself from thinking too much into this, he reaches for his phone, practically stumbling on his way. Felix hears the ringing for too long, making him bite his lips out of anxiety as Jisung’s caller ID stares back at him. 

Though the other disagrees, Felix thinks Jisung makes the best decisions on the rare occasions he asks him for help. Jisung thinks his spontaneity is a bad influence. But Felix insists that it’s perfect for his indecisiveness.

“Why the fuck are you calling so early in the morning?” Jisung growls at him, sounding like he just woke up. Felix sees question marks parading at the front of his mind because it’s a Wednesday and his friend should’ve been up hours ago. If he recalls correctly, his friend has an early morning class today.

“Jisung? What the fuck? You have a class today! Get your ass out of that bed and hurry the fuck up!” Felix was alarmed for him especially because Jisung doesn’t seem to budge. He even hears a snicker across the line.

“Didn’t you hear that half of the faculty isn’t going to show up in classes today? I should’ve reminded you at lunch. I thought it was radioed, though?” Jisung sounded annoyed. Who wouldn’t be after being deprived of deep sleep? But he wasn’t annoyed at Felix. It was evident from the concern laced with his voice.

“Oh. Oh yeah, I remember! Yes, of course, definitely. I just woke up late and sort of panicked because I haven’t done my stuff. You know, out of impulse? And I was about to ask you if I should just ditch or whatever. But I just remembered. Thank you. You saved my life for calling you,” Felix rambles as he searches through his folders of memories. And he doesn’t recall anything like Jisung said. 

“You know if that’s the case I would’ve told you to just ditch class, right?” Jisung said through a yawn and a lot of shuffling. Felix understood what he said, nonetheless.

“I know. I would’ve done it too. But I just needed someone to confirm it. Otherwise, I’m gonna pester myself the entire day for the mistake I’ve made.” Felix lets himself fall face flat onto his bed. 

He feels the responsibility upfront fizzle out from his body. It steadies his breathing, which he didn’t even know was uneven until that moment. Probably from the puzzling dream that haunted him in his sleep and the sudden surge of panic that crept through his skin from seeing the empty canvas before him. He still hates himself for being carried away by his emotions and wasn’t able to set it aside to get work done, though.

So he doesn’t even question though everything surrounding the situation was skeptical and odd. He was too relieved to acknowledge it. The thought of Jisung playing with him crossed his mind for a second. But he refuses to believe it because he knows the other likes his Wednesday classes.

“So, you wanted me to take the blame?” 

“Something like that. Besides you didn’t have to know,” Felix jokes, going along with Jisung poking some fun.

“Felix Lee, you hurt my feelings,” Jisung pretended. He fake stifles a cry until he hears Felix giggle on the other end.

Just like that, Felix feels like his heart is being stepped on. His stomach felt like it was being crumpled. His throat felt like it was being pricked by thorns. Jisung knows about his financial problems to a certain extent. But he has always wanted to tell him more. Not because he needs someone to pity him. No. That’s the last thing he needs. But because his friend deserves his trust. And he realizes that especially when he makes him smile like this. When he makes his heart unbelievably swell because he’s happy to have a friend who can put up with his antics, especially this early in the morning.

He feels guilty about being hurt over Jisung’s words yesterday. Not because he was invalidating his feelings. But because it was unfair to be upset at him when he barely knows a thing.

So for the millionth time that moment, he wishes he could tell Jisung his inner thoughts, insecurities and deep-rooted problems. He wanted to do it for himself too. To get a few things off his chest and his mind. To have his well-deserved shoulder to cry on. But he just can’t do it, thinking that it might just bring more luggage to his collection of emotional baggage.

Jisung will probably never come to him whenever he has problems because he doesn’t want to add to his. Jisung will probably look at him with pity in his eyes whenever something unfortunate happens. Nothing will be the same. And he doesn’t want anything to change. Jisung was meant to be the sun rays piercing through his windows every morning. And he was meant to be the sunshine that you bathe in during the summer for Jisung. 

So he lets his heart be stepped on. He lets his stomach be crumpled. And he lets his throat be pricked by thorns. Because that’s the only way to hold himself back.

“Sorry I woke you up so early in the morning,” Felix said in a voice barely above a whisper when he hears Jisung yawn. He sits up in his bed and fiddles with the hem of his shirt as he realizes what he had just done.

“It’s no bother, Felix. But I’m hanging up now, yeah?” He hears Jisung standing up. “I have to prepare breakfast.”

“Okay. Don’t trip down the stairs,” Felix jokes and he hears an _I hate you_ before the call ends. 

Felix always feels distracted. He always lets himself float through the suffocating air of his thoughts. It doesn’t seem to shut up, even with the littlest and weirdest of things. But as he stares at the edge of the bed, he feels like his thoughts are a different kind of disheveled. He was feeling disarrayed too. Or was it him feeling the atmosphere? He can’t exactly put it into words, but there is something wrong.

It feels even more wrong as he fixes his gaze on his cabinet and finds a note in his hand writing.

_3/19/21_

_No classes tomorrow :D_

He tries recollecting the events of the past night. And he’s sure he’s not one to pick up a pen and give himself a reminder with a smiley when he was wailing his heart out. And he’s brain is still intact enough to write the right date, that’s for sure. He would miss a few days, maybe. But not jump an entire year. 

He thinks this is absolute madness. But what else would he believe if evidence is glaring right back at him? 

He was sure his birthday was yesterday, though. Was he feeling sad on his birthday and his Mom’s death anniversary when it wasn’t even the right date?

 _Oh my god, does that mean yesterday was a dream?_ Felix found himself standing between the boundary of being fucking livid and completely wanting to rip his head out of confusion. It wasn’t a good combination. And the way it sticks to his skin like glue was setting him into panic and annoyance. Which was again, not really the best mix.

He was shoveling through his head to find some answers, solutions, or just explanations, even. He can’t find any clues as to why this was happening. 

He surprises himself when a thought comes flashing through his head like a news headline. _What the fuck. What if my whole life was a dream?_

He doesn’t want to believe it because it’s completely unfair. He’s been put through so much trouble. All that, only to wake up one day with a _surprise, bitch, you have been fooled!_ They could’ve just let him sleep and never woke him up if that was the case. It’s completely crazy, but he considers it. That’s the only way this phenomenon can be explained. He questions when he started sleeping, though. And why the dream took so long.

He shifts his head around the room, as if he could find something from them. And as his gaze lands on his pillow, his mind drifts to his dream.

_Right, what an idiot. You just had a dream of you dying. How could your life be a dream then?_

Fear drenches out of his soul, practically leaking out of his body when he thinks of something. He remembers reading something about the mind playing a montage of your life when you’re dying. What if he died from a car crash and the life he thought he was living was technically a slideshow of how his life went?

 _But that doesn’t make sense, why am I in the future right now? Ugh, I’m straying further away from the problem,_ Felix shakes the thought away because it creeps him out. 

A voice in his head scoffs because of his own stupidity. It’s a weird function of his brain and he usually laughs whenever this happens. But right now, it shakes some sense into him.

_Fucking stupid, have you ever actually thought that maybe THIS is a dream?_

He takes it as the most logical explanation. Maybe he was lucid dreaming. That’s a thing, right? Either way, he tells himself that whether this was a made-up universe in his own head or a very misleading reality, he is responsible for himself. And there’s no space for reckless decisions. Because he’s got to survive here too. That’s just how life is.

Contrary to what he should be feeling, Felix basks in the low chatters that bring life to the cafe. It lets relaxation drip from his ears in a slow and steady motion, just like the coffee he’s brewing. He was starting to let his guard down, despite noticing a distinct change in everyone’s set of clothes. He keeps his eyes trained on the door, though, in the disguise of paying attention to incoming customers. Which in his defense, is really true. But mainly, he does it so he doesn’t fall into another trap of questions in his mind. Because honestly, it’s giving him a headache.

It’s currently eerily quiet in his head, despite his job of needing to converse with other people. The deafening silence was a new feeling because he was used to a lot of bustling. But he has to admit that it was something like meeting someone for the first time after a long while. It’s nostalgic and warm and peaceful. So he welcomes it with an unsure smile yet with open arms.

He feels a tap on his shoulder. Without even questioning who it was and why he did it, he takes it as a sign to move to his side. So he does, only looking up a second later to see who it was.

“Hyung?” He throws a confused look at Changbin as the other puts on an apron on top of his usual button-up, an attire only baristas like Felix wear. He knows Changbin likes to remove the owner slash manager title every once in a while. But that’s usually on days when he wasn’t busy. And it’s been so long since he wasn’t.

“Don’t want me to be your co-worker for a while?” Changbin glances at him before he takes the order of the customer in front of him and proceeds to move around to prepare it. “You just stay still there, don’t do anything.”

“Why?” Felix asks because it came out of nowhere.

“Just wanna talk to you. And you can’t, for the love of god, multitask. You won’t pay attention to me because you’ll get immersed in what you’re doing,” Changbin explained. He doesn’t think Felix gets the sense of urgency threatening in his voice as he sets the pastry and the drink on the farther side of the counter and calls the name of the customer.

Meanwhile, Felix leans on his arms on the counter table opposite to his friend and rolls his eyes. He accepts his defeat, it was true anyway. He takes a good look at the equipments he haven’t actually seen in that angle and for that long. And more than loving his job because it keeps him alive, he once again realizes that he loves it because he likes how every single bit of it soothes his nerves. He was too focused on it though, that he doesn’t see Changbin’s eyes wavering, having an agitated expression on his face.

“You don’t pay me to just talk to you, though, hyung,” Felix contests, chuckling about the assumption that maybe Changbin has one of those gossips that he feels are necessary to share with Felix.

“Listen, Felix—“

“Wait, before you go into that. Oh sorry, I cut you off. But I just think this is gonna be more important because you look like you just wanna bother me. Anyway, this is about business. I was just gonna clarify that tomorrow’s the last day of me covering up Woojin-hyung’s shift, right?” Felix interrupts just as the rain starts pouring really hard outside. It takes the both of them by surprise and they snap their heads towards the windows.

“Be careful when you go home later, Felix, yeah?” Changbin stutters through his warning. 

Felix slowly turns his head towards Changbin’s direction, weirded out by the lack of color in his face. He was shocked at the shift in the mood of the conversation. Or maybe it was underlying somewhere shallow in the depths of the atmosphere but he was too preoccupied to notice. Saying the other was frightened was an understatement.

“Hyung, what’s wrong?” Felix demanded an answer out of him as his eyes were still fixated on the harsh downpour banging on the windows.

“I heard a forecast saying it’ll rain really really bad today. And the weather was so fine earlier that I didn’t believe it. It made me feel uneasy, though. But here it is.” Changbin points towards the windows, finally making eye contact with Felix, as if he wants to get through him. “I don’t know, I just needed to tell you.”

“Okay, okay. I got it, hyung. You should calm down.” Felix rests his hands on his shoulders to get the older to focus on him. 

He reflects the anxiety in the other’s eyes as if telling him that he gets it. And although he chooses to overlook it, he’s become hyper aware of the intense beating of his heart. It took a while but he didn’t take away his gaze until Changbin’s eyes softened. The rhythm within him doesn’t come to a halt, though.

“Text me when you get home?” Changbin confirmed one last time. Felix nods repeatedly at that.

“My question, though. You didn’t answer it,” Felix says nonchalantly. He shifts the topic instantly, wanting to take Changbin’s mind off of the rain that was almost hindering them from having a proper talk. He still thinks their sudden exchange was absurd but he tries to understand that that was just his hyung worrying about him. Especially because the other likes to treat him like a younger brother and a friend. So he keeps in mind Changbin’s request.

“Oh what was it?” Changbin spaces out for a moment and snaps his fingers when he remembers it. “Oh yeah. Woojin-hyung hasn’t asked you to take over his shift for a while though?”

“Oh yeah, right, right. I just got confused,” Felix agrees, remembering the situation he was in. The unidentifiable futuristic dream situation he still can’t seem to wrap his head around on but he totally ignores.

“Your shift’s done, Lix. You can go,” Changbin tells him while looking at his watch. Felix was surprised that time went by really quickly. He attributes it to the fact that he hasn’t paid attention to his surroundings today. Hence, losing track of time.

“Next guy’s not here yet, hyung,” Felix contradicts. He lightly shoves to the side Changbin to take the order of the person who came in. He appreciates the small break he got, but he didn’t want to leave work not even doing work.

“It’s fine, I’ll take charge.” Changbin moves swiftly right after the customer finishes her sentence and readies a cheesecake and a latte before Felix does it. “Just get my spare umbrella right by the door, get your ass out of here and text me when you get home.”

“I hate it when you use your authority. I hate hierarchy! I hate the system!” Changbin chuckles at Felix’ response to his nagging. He shuffles the younger’s hair and pushes him lightly, encouraging him to go along.

“Bye!”

“Hyung, be safe on the road, too, okay?” Felix reminds him before stepping out of the place.

Felix arrives in his apartment in one piece. He throws his phone on the bed and flops down beside it, not bothering to change into more comfortable clothes. He lays there, unfazed, wanting to sink into the deep crevasses of the mattress supporting his weight.

He jolts up, though, after realizing that he’s back in the comfort of his apartment. Not really comfort because he can’t move around from the lack of space. But he’s here. And he’s fine. Not emotionally and mentally, though, from all the crazy things that’s happening. 

_Ah, Felix, stop being sidetracked by yourself._

But he’s alive. So why did Changbin speak like he was so sure something bad was going to happen to Felix? He knows the other didn’t want to say it but he knew he was implying that Felix might get in an accident. Which is really bewildering. Come to think of it, he was the one who was put off by the rain. Why did he feel like telling Felix? 

He was dead set on making Changbin feel better earlier that he didn’t think of it. Shouldn’t Changbin worry about himself? But it definitely didn’t look like it. It’s somewhere beyond overprotectiveness. Because Felix felt his blood run cold too. It felt all too real.

Nevertheless, he keeps his promise to Changbin.

**_lix best dongsaeng <3_ **

_hyung, ur favorite employee_

_slash friend_

_slash dongsaeng_

_is hoooome_

**_binnie-hyung best hyung ^__^_ **

_ok im glad_

_thanks for informing me lix <3 _

**_lix best dongsaeng_ **

_always, hyung •3•_

He keeps his questions to himself too. Because there’s no point in it. He’s okay. What’s done is done. Changbin doesn’t look like he has an explanation to it anyway.

So he whips his brush and a few cans of paint to indulge himself in color. And unfortunately, he does have to drown in color. Because he doesn’t have black paint, which he swore to himself he’d buy after classes because the art shops he frequents are near his university. But he didn’t have to go there today. And because the cheaper apartments are far away from his university, he can’t exactly go there at this time of the day. So he resorts to his only option.

“Jisung!” Felix yells as soon as the other picks up the call. “I ran out of black paint and I need to finish the painted draft of the one we’re gonna have to transfer to digital media some time soon.”

“Why do you always have to call every time I’m asleep?” Jisung groans. He shuffles for a few seconds and the line goes quiet with only the sound of the air conditioner on Jisung’s side telling Felix that he still hasn’t hung up.

“You okay now?” Felix gives him the time he needs to rub sleep off of his eyes, so he speaks up only after a few minutes.

“Yes. Sorry, I was recalling what you said earlier.” Jisung apologized with a slightly clearer voice but still distinctly deeper than his normal one as Felix recognizes that it was still soaked with drowsiness.

“Sorry to barge into your sleep too.” Felix replies with sarcasm. “Who even sleeps at this hour? Don’t tell me you just ate breakfast and slept through the whole day?”

“Hey! I ate my lunch and dinner alright!” 

“I didn’t come for the fighting, though. Come on, I’m too tired for this.” Felix clutches onto the edge of his blanket and rolls towards the tip of it to wrap himself. He almost falls, forgetting that his bed isn’t really suitable for lots of movement.

“Don’t turn this back on me, you started it.” Jisung hears Felix’ _stop fooling around or I’ll slit your throat_ silence. So he surrenders. “What is it for, though?”

“I told you, the painted draft of the one we’re gonna transfer to digital media some time soon,” Felix patiently repeats, still knowing his boundaries and that he’s the one asking for a favor. He might have to swallow his pride for this one but he’s definitely not letting his manners slip out of his hand.

“No, I heard you. What I mean is, what is that for? Oh my god I sound stupid and repetitive. But you know, what’s the painted draft and digital media for? The class we’re together?” Jisung asks genuinely. Felix makes it out to be not one out of curiosity, but out of panic. 

_Why is everybody panicking around me today? Do I look like a freaking time bomb? Am I an omen for disaster?_

“Of course, Jisung. I said _we,_ didn’t I?” Felix replies as if stating the obvious. Because he was! He sounds like he was deeming Jisung stupid. Which to some extent, is true, they make dumb decisions together. But he asked for Jisung’s help, didn’t he? Doesn’t that alone give him an answer?

“I know you said _we,_ Lix. But I was just making sure because we had that project like months ago, I think? It was around my birthday for sure,” Jisung said with certainty in his voice.

_Yeah, trust me, I fucking know. It was your birthday two days ago and it says here on my phone that it’s September 16 of 2020. But everyone and everything in this world convinces me that it’s the fucking 20th of March of the year 20 fucking 21._

“Ah, what I meant is that I have a project similar to that one we had in another class,” Felix lied, immediately finding an excuse to cover up for his behavior. He thanks the gods above that he’s made a reputation of being kind and bubbly and all the good things in the world that’s why no one would suspect him. 

Don’t get him wrong, he wants to have someone by his side to solve this with. Or maybe someone to scream at and beat the answers out of them. Either way works. But people around him just feel normal about the situation. It’s like they’re constants and he’s a variable, foreign in this stupidly baffling science experiment. 

He was fuming at his state of helplessness. So he stares at the ceiling to let the extremes of his emotions evaporate to a low. Because there are no deadlines to this. He’s gonna figure it out with the right pacing. This isn’t dangerous either. This isn’t gonna kill him, right? _Right,_ at least that’s what he knows for now.

_Wait, did I just fucking say that it’s September 16 on my phone?_

“You coming to get the paint tonight?” 

“No, uh, something came up. And I’ll just find an alternative or something. Thanks anyway, Ji. Sorry for bothering you,” Felix spoke in a hurry, wanting to end the call and get the gears in his brain thinking.

“Wait!” Jisung interjects after sensing that Felix was hanging up. “I just wanted to remind you that at our next meeting we have the pointillism thing but just pencils no paint. Just in case you forgot, you’ve been acting strange since this morning.”

“Okay, Ji, thanks. You’re the best. Gotta go!” Felix flinches from the blanket he’s rolled himself in and tries to process the piece of evidence that’s been right before his eyes the entire day. 

Though, it’s probably the most logical explanation and the only thing Felix would accept as an answer because he’s too afraid to explore possibilities, he strips away from his hypothesis that this is a dream. 

Because it has a sense of his reality. Not that dreams can’t have those. But it’s oddly specific. It’s kind of creepy to think that the chemicals in his brain conjured to make a dream set in the future, with everyone having moved on with their lives and Felix is just there after being frozen in time. And his phone’s date is stuck on the day he left off too? That’s just bullshit.

And in that case, the dream’s end is long overdue. Felix thinks that he would’ve been comatosed to be asleep for this long. 

It doesn’t make sense that he’s doubting that this is a dream too. That is, if it really is one. Because you usually either go along with the circumstances presented in your dream or know that it’s a dream and just roll with it. That’s how it’s supposed to work. You don’t doubt it. That’s like, the brain questioning itself.

After a long period of wearing out his head, Felix lies down and hugs his favorite pillow. He wants to figure this all out before he ends the day but he can’t keep up with his own demands. Not when sleep is tugging at his feet. So right before the fluttering of his eyelids stop, he wishes that closing his eyes into an empty void in this place means unfolding his eyes into a familiar summer sun back in where he belongs.

**_binnie-hyung best hyung_ **

_lix, im out today_

_u can just close the cafe early right after ur shift_

_thanks <3 _

Felix just woke up to Changbin’s text and he was nowhere near liking what’s going on.

He’s not mad about working, no. It’s fine with him, really. But he’s just confused because he’s not covering someone’s shift anymore and he doesn’t work on consecutive days, except on Fridays and Saturdays. And today’s supposed to be a Sunday, since he’s figured out that yesterday was a Saturday instead of a Wednesday after his birthday. He even remembers talking about it with Changbin yesterday. Though he intended to talk about Woojin’s Thursday shift back in his normal life, the other still didn’t mention that he was working the next day. 

Which was why he was infuriatingly clicking his phone to a dark screen and back to his lit up lockscreen. He was glaring, piercing holes into the device even, after seeing that it was saying that it was the 17th of September. But he was still stuck in whatever universe or fate this is.

How does he know? Well, the cold sucking at his skin and giving him shivers isn’t exactly unnoticeable. And he just wants his summer weather back.

Felix thinks that sleep was able to dust off the mix of emotions and thoughts he had yesterday. Not entirely. But it helped. Right now, he just feels indifferent. Something along the lines of being homesick though he’s still technically living the same life. 

So he sets out and heads to the cafe after wallowing in sketch pads and oil pastels because he has nothing better to do. 

He waves at Lia who was still working behind the counter and makes a beeline towards the back of the cafe. He was putting on his apron with the cute little nametag Changbin allows, well, forces, his employees to design and write their name using their own handwriting. Of course, Felix being unable to deny the heed of his dexterity, willingly obliged. But it was when he was thinking about that that he realized Fridays are the only days he works after Lia. 

It wasn’t all that suspicious though, so he just settled that maybe she was just covering up for someone’s shift.

He sits on one of the counters and leans his upper body on a rack beside him, wobbling from the sudden shift in weight. He was a good 45 minutes away from his shift, so he lets his eyes wander on the pastries and his sense of smell get drunk on the smell of coffee. 

He spots a strawberry and an oreo cheesecake on display and he coos at the thought of Jisung, remembering that the other likes them more than he likes himself. He thought it’d be the perfect peace offering for waking him up twice yesterday. Also because he’s just thankful towards everything that Jisung does and did for him. And he doesn’t usually have the capacity to repay him. So he lets today be the day where he does.

“Jisung-ah.” Felix calls sweetly as soon as his friend picks up the call. “We have a strawberry and an oreo cheesecake at the cafe. Which one would you like me to get for you?”

“Oh, someone’s in a good mood today,” Jisung teases which just made Felix shy about announcing the fact that he’s getting something for him because he’s suddenly feeling soft.

“I just wanna compensate for—“

“I guess that’s what ditching class really does to people.” Jisung doesn’t hear Felix’ whisper. What he said caught Felix off guard, though.

“What do you mean with ditching class?” Felix knows this has got to be something going wrong again just because of his situation. He honestly thought that he's just skipped through time and the first day being absolutely in chaos was totally understandable. He didn’t think everything’s gonna go down with it.

“We have classes today. You didn’t know?” 

Felix was about to throw flames. Or maybe just throw himself into a fiery pit because even though he hates to admit it, he can’t stay mad at Jisung. So he lets frustration stir somewhere near, where he can reach it, and throws anger far away from him.

“Jisung, I called you yesterday, didn’t I? Twice, at that. Why didn’t you tell me that we’re having make-up classes for the next day? We’re already on that topic,” Felix says ever so calmly and patiently. He just wants to get it out. Ironic, he knows. He doesn’t speak his mind around Jisung. But this time, the other is well aware of Felix’ distaste of skipping classes because it’s a waste of money and learning. And Jisung should’ve been sensitive about it.

“Felix? Can I see you? This is creeping me out. You didn’t call me yesterday.” Jisung was frantic because Felix really didn’t call him because they were together most of the day yesterday. And today was Friday. 

Why was Felix assuming that they didn’t have any classes today? There’s not even news going around for fun that there would be a few professors that wouldn't make it. Tomorrow, that’s when classes are cancelled. He doesn’t think Felix would’ve mistaken today for tomorrow because announcements were just made.

“Sorry. I'll call you later when I’m a little less heated, yeah?” Felix apologizes when he thinks he’s gone overboard. “Maybe let’s just talk when I drop by to give you your cheesecake. I’m getting a slice of both, okay?”

“Okay,” Jisung responds, reluctant with not being reconciled with his friend for the next few hours. But he thinks it’s a good decision. It’s best to talk in person.

“I have to work. Bye.” Felix lets out the biggest sigh he’s had to hold back for his entire life.

As he takes over his co-worker’s place, he’s overtaken by piles and piles of guilt. He feels it stain his soul as he runs his hand through his face. And suddenly he can’t focus on his surroundings, as though everything was information and he's having an error taking it in. He finds a lump in his throat hard to swallow. It makes a safe place there, making Felix want to cough continuously.

_I didn’t even let Jisung explain._

He hasn’t even said anything bad. But he felt like he went off character. And he doesn’t like how it sits in his conscience, either.

He thinks that Jisung’s explanation could have brought him into better understanding of this world he’s living in too. 

He knows feeling bad over a slight rage of emotions is petty. But he can’t help but add it into his pretty enormous collection of things he regrets, from the smallest to the biggest. He can’t say he’s proud of it, though.

He gets distracted by his internal monologue and narration that he doesn’t notice a customer who’s bouncing on his feet as if he’s drank five cups of coffee. All because he was stressing out over looking for someone who practically was with him on his deathbed. Not that that’s _really_ the reason. No, definitely not. _Not at all_. 

However, the other almost jumping on the counter and almost tackling Felix to the floor, while shaking his shoulder, was enough to bring the barista back into his senses.

“YOU! YOU’RE FELIX FUCKING LEE!”

“I’m sorry. What?” 

“You’re from the past too, aren’t you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well that was another episode of felix being in his own head all the time. i promise we're getting hyunlix action next chapter :(( i just wanted to build up the story so it sort of feels real. it doesn't make sense if he adjusts to it quickly, does it?
> 
> im gonna warn u that this is gonna have lots of plot holes that i havent thought through so if u see it just look away and pretend nothing happened sksksksk but if u do have questions u can ask through the comments! i'll do my best to answer them without spoiling things :D
> 
> anyways, thanks for the kudos!!! they really really make my heart swell and help me write. i hope you enjoyed reading!


	3. everything was a paradox

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: mention of suicide. just once. not anything serious tho but i just wanted to put a tw beforehand :D

“Hey, uh, Felix? I’m sorry for creating a scene earlier. And uh, shouting at you.”

Felix lets his fingertips graze the sign hanging on the door. He tries flipping it so it’ll show that they aren’t accepting anymore customers for the night but it was to no avail. It was as if the thin piece of material was recoiling from the delicate touch, reacting from the heavy breaths that give off condensation to the already blurry glass surface. But he attributes it to his unsteady state of mind, a set of signals traversing through his nerves and making his hands tremble. 

He lets his forehead rest on the door, not giving a damn about the fact that he just wiped a good amount of soap somewhere there and he’s infusing it with the sweat on his temple, dripping like the dread consuming his train of thought. The cold was numbing his skin and it was so close to reaching the point where it burns. But Felix doesn’t take notice. Not when warmth was enveloping him to an embrace. And no, it wasn’t the good kind. It’s something like a low fire ignited to warn him of danger that lies ahead. And it was constricting his every movement. Because it suddenly feels so hot that he wants to turn the air conditioning up. But he can’t do that because it was freezing for everyone else in the room.

His head was pounding from what seems like his body has convinced itself as lack of oxygen. His vision was doubling as he stared at his heavy footsteps, denying to journey towards the far right corner of the room but never even taking a second to stop in its tracks. 

Everything in the situation was saying one thing but doing another. Everything was a paradox. Just like the way Felix wanted to know what was going on and put an end to it once and for all. But he wants to run far far away where the truth can’t catch him, where he can hide from it. Because he’s not so sure how to face problems and even more so, act on it, when all he can do is to dig graves for everything that troubles his mind his entire life. And when it comes haunting him, he allows it to linger for a while before he buries it again. 

Because some things, they just don’t have solutions. No matter how much you want them to have one. You coexist with them while they remain inexplicable. And Felix is afraid that _this_ is one of those.

But his body was quicker to oppose what he thinks when he finds himself pulling a chair. He finds it too loud for his liking, making him dizzy by the second. It alerts him of what he’s just done though, because it rings like a siren, amplifying through every chamber of his brain and leaving traces of regret.

“You know you didn’t have to close this early just for me. I can wait until the end of your shift.” Felix takes note that the guy likes to get ahead of himself as he finds himself nitpicking about anything and everything. He isn’t too sure what it's really for because it just makes him even more disoriented. But he just knows it’s his other side of the brain that’s supplying him with facts to support the claim that this is a bad idea.

The guy was sitting pretty, comfortable as if he has settled with the reality they’re both dealing with. He looks like he’s doing pretty well with his life. Felix meant that in a financial aspect, judging from the blinding amount of jewelries accentuating his fingers, wrist, neck and even ears. He has pretty good posture too, probably because he doesn’t do much work at home and doesn’t have to carry the burden of keeping himself alive. He looks like one of the upperclassmen who don’t mean harm towards those below them but don’t really do anything for them at all. Naive. Uneducated of what goes on down the social class. Unaware of how his necessities are actually privileges.

Felix knows it’s wrong to judge a book by its cover. Heck, he’s sick and tired of that quote. Especially when others can’t see through him too. But that’s just how he looked to him. And maybe it was his jealousy that triggered his opinions. He’s willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, though. Not that the guy has to prove himself. But Felix most definitely doesn’t want to associate himself with people who slap their money across other people’s faces. That is, if the guy’s proven guilty.

“Uh, this is the end of my shift. I was told to close the cafe this early,” Felix says matter-of-factly. He pursed his lips as he gauged the situation. He doesn’t like the awkward air, not when they both, well, at least he, meant business with the other. But he almost snorts when he sees embarrassment flicker in the other’s eyes for a split second. 

“Anyways,” the guy pushes a stray strand of hair back dramatically, “if we’re gonna do this together, I might as well introduce myself. I’m Hwang Hyunjin.”

“Wait, why are we doing this together? What are we even doing together?” 

“Aren’t you gonna shake my hand first?” Hyunjin nods his head towards the hand he has stretched out. He takes the time to scan Felix’ reaction after he has figured from the short amount of time he’s known him that the other instantly and easily malfunctions at the mention of new and bewildering pieces of information. 

He finds it a little too amusing, the way Felix’ features morph into different expressions in just a matter of seconds before looking down. Unknowingly, he lowers his head to check how Felix eyed his hand as if he’s never seen one. A smile slowly creeps up his face, but Felix takes it as an arrogant one.

Once Felix hesitantly pressed his hand against Hyunjin, he was startled with the way Hyunjin enthusiastically shook his hands. The impact awakens the circuits in his brain that he opens his mouth to introduce himself. And just then, he was reminded with a particularly bothersome fact. 

“Oh my god! You! How did you know my name?” Felix removes his hand from Hyunjin’s grip and backs away all too aggressively, drawing attention from the few people finishing up their food before they disappear into the birth of dusk.

“I believe there are much more important questions to ask right now,” Hyunjin suggested, still wide-eyed from disbelief of Felix’ sudden freaking out. 

The thing is, Felix likes to believe it when other people say he’s nice. Not that he’s liking the goody two shoes title. He has his flaws that need some fixing. But he thinks he’s striving hard enough to make people’s lives a little less miserable by talking them out of their worries, flashing them smiles so they can return it and just not being a pain in the ass. Because he’s been in the darkest of days and he remembers not longing for the smallest beam of light, thinking it was too much to ask for. He wishes for someone. And they won’t have to talk about what’s wrong. He just needs a presence to remind him that he’s not alone, to get him through the breaking of dawn.

So he flips out when he has been the slightest bit insensitive, hurt their feelings or thought badly of someone without knowing every side of the story.

But right now, he feels the good in his heart evaporate as he’s taken over by his prejudices of the guy sitting across him. A part of him convinces him that he’s probably overreacting. But he can’t help it. Not when shit has gone down for over 24 hours because he’s been passive and negligent of his surroundings. Not when the guy yelled his name and held onto him as if finding him was his lifeline. Which, by the way, was borderline creepy.

_Lifeline? Oh my fucking god, what if his life really depends on me and he’s part of an elite secret society that’s been hunting me down? Is he held at gunpoint until he finds me and kills me? Do I save myself and fucking let him die?_

“Look, uh, whatever your name is, try and put yourself in my shoes before looking at me with contempt as if my panicking is invalid. I don’t know shit about my life right now and you barge in and make it even more terrifying. Not a lot of people know my name. Maybe it doesn’t sound important to you because it isn’t your name we’re talking about. What, did you lure me into your trap through my vulnerability to answers that can explain what’s going on with my wild and tragic excuse of a life? Are you going to kill me while I’m stuck in this fate? Isn’t that a bit too cruel? Oh my god, do we have to kill each other to survive? Is that the rule?” Felix spews even more bizarre ideas as his brain to mouth filter fails him at the moment. He quickly runs a gaze around the room, coming to realize that they’re not the only people around and he should tone down his voice if he doesn’t want people to think that their barista is a runaway lunatic from the mental hospital.

“Chill. I ain’t some murderer, Felix,” Hyunjin asserted with a low, laid back voice and a smirk plastered to his face. The act strengthens Felix’ distaste of how Hyunjin uses words and he just wants to reach out and rip off his smile. But he keeps his cool, _somehow._

“Then how did you know my name? This is really getting creepy by the minute. Maybe I shouldn’t be talking to you. For all I know, you could be the reason all of this is happening or you’re a stalker who’s grown a weird questionable obsession over me. Sorry, but I don’t have time for this bullshit.”

Felix stands up from his seat to grab some cleaning materials so when the customers leave, he’s all set to head out. Also because seeing Hyunjin makes him go against his morals. The guy makes his blood boil without any logical reason. Felix just hates him, every bit of energy that he radiates. He feels guilty about it though, so he decides it’s best to stay away.

He wouldn’t admit it, but as he was placing chairs upside down on top of the vacant tables, he peers over Hyunjin’s direction to see if there’s any remorse written on his face or if he’s thinking of trying to get Felix to talk to him again. But he’s just sitting there, sipping his fifth glass of fruit tea that Felix guesses he’s already probably obsessed with. He regrets forcing him to order it after he’s had his second cup of coffee from the cafe and probably his millionth that day as per Felix’ observation of his eyes.

He doesn’t know when the sudden courage slipped through his head, but he wants to know more about the whole ordeal. He thinks it’s from the way Hyunjin was so aloof. Meanwhile, he’s out there, drunk on so many emotions that he just wants to shut his brain down because he’s oh so tired of deciphering which is which. It’s like Hyunjin has figured this all out. So he wants Hyunjin to convince him that speaking to him is not too bad of an idea, to make him want to know desperately, to distract him from the fears awaiting at his feet. But he’s not admitting any of that.

“It isn’t really rocket science, Felix. It’s written clearly. Right there on your exceptionally adorable nametag,” Hyunjin points out with a chuckle, making Felix look down to see the object.

“Oh. Yeah,” Felix confirmed himself. He feels a bit more lightweight, like things have settled into place. And he loosens up the tension constricting him.

“Yeah?” Hyunjin asks with a sly smile, knowing that he got away with his lie. “Bro, you gotta calm yourself down, you know? You scare me, dude” 

_Bro? Dude? Is this guy straight?_ Felix judges, his disdain on Hyunjin still noticeable in his mental remarks.

“Wait, no!”

“No? You don’t know?” Hyunjin pouts and attempts to pretend that he’s confused about Felix’ interjection with a frown. He bursts out laughing as he tries to picture what he looks like, thinking he probably looks constipated.

He doesn’t realize though that this makes Felix think that he’s mocking him. 

“No! You can’t fool me, no! You specifically called me _Felix fucking Lee_ earlier. That’s not how you call someone you’ve met for the first time. You said it with despair as if you’ve been looking for me. Don’t underestimate my deductive reasoning skills, stranger,” Felix brags as he snatches Hyunjin’s empty plate from the table.

“I’m just messing with you, okay? You gotta learn how to take jokes.”

“Last time I checked you don’t tell jokes to someone you just met. Most definitely not when you know something about them that everyone blatantly ignores and you somehow know their name, too. It makes you sketchy.”

“I was trying to neutralize the atmosphere because you seem all uptight. You seem like you don’t want to talk to me either. Or rather, you don’t want to hear me out. I’ve got my explanations on knowing your name, Felix. But it’s somewhere down a bigger picture.” Felix feels Hyunjin’s stare bore holes to his ego even when he’s far across the room. 

He feels a pang right through his conscience and it makes a hollow and unpleasant tingling feeling in his stomach. So he keeps his emotions at bay by tidying up real quick because he’s not the one who deserves to feel things right now.

He gently pulls the chair across Hyunjin and sits down slowly after he’s done. He pulls his chair closer to the table and lets his chin rest on his palm, as he watches Hyunjin browse on his phone. He notices that the date on his phone is set on September 17th, too, just like his. But he doesn’t make a comment about it because he’s defeated. He feels defeated by his own emotions because it got the best of him again, throwing accusations and conclusions as if they were as simple as flying paper airplanes. He’s reminded again of why he doesn’t speak too much about himself, because he’s afraid to let out his feelings. Because it always goes bad. Just like this one. So he waits for Hyunjin to speak, because that’s the right thing to do right now.

Hyunjin clicks his phone to a close and sets it down on the table. He mirrors what Felix is doing and doesn’t say a word for a few minutes. And although Felix was pretending to be fascinated by the marble design of the tables just to have an excuse to look down, he knows Hyunjin’s eyes were fixated on him.

 _Come on, don’t just stare at me. Say something!_ Felix demands but he’s too flustered to move even a single strand of his hair. Soon, he figures that maybe the other wants him to start the conversation, a signal that he was ready to listen. 

“So…” Felix raises an eyebrow in a, what he likes to call, friendly manner. 

“I was waiting for others to leave. They look like they have their own business but they’re eavesdropping on us, especially when you’re being so loud. And please don’t look like that, I’m not mad,” Hyunjin explains after the last customer exits through the door. 

Felix gestures for the other to wait as he switches some of the lights off to make sure no one mistakenly enters the cafe. But before he does, Hyunjin flashes him a smile. It was small, nothing special. But it was genuine, priceless even.

“Just tell me what you know,” Felix prompted as Hyunjin remained silent even after he took a seat.

“I don’t know where to begin.” Felix gives him the poker face and he struggles to find a starting point. “Ask me questions?”

“How do we get out of here?” Felix blurts out the obvious one.

“I don’t know.” Hyunjin goes defensive mode as he receives a look from the other that he decodes as him wanting to flip the table. “Look, if I knew then I wouldn’t be here, right?”

“Well, how did we end up here?” 

“That,” Hyunjin hangs in the air, making Felix hold his breath, “I don’t know either.”

“Well, if you keep dodging my questions, when are we getting to the point?” Felix asks with exasperation because he’s not any farther from where he started. And his mind is on its way to questioning why Hyunjin searched for him if he knew nothing in the first place. 

_Was he looking for a companion? If he was, how did he manage to wrap his head around the fact that he wasn’t alone? And that it’s me he’s supposed to look for?_

“I’m not dodging your questions, I’m answering it alright. I told you that I don’t know. Bitch, you should be thankful that I’m here,” Hyunjin emphasized every single word and Felix probably rolled his eyes every single time.

He muffles a laugh, though. Because although he still finds Hyunjin irritating, especially because of the way he talks, he’s grateful he’s not stuck with a straight dude. Not that he’s assuming a gender for him in his head. Though, technically, that’s what he’s doing. But he’s _sure_ no het would say bitch _that_ confidently.

“You’re of no help, though.” Hyunjin gasps sharply at the other’s remark that Felix thought he was being sucked in.

“I’m offended.” Hyunjin places a hand over his heart as if he was physically hurt by the words. “Whatever, I’m telling this my own way.”

“What the actual fuck?” Felix mutters under his breath, confused as hell. He looks down, thinking that that’s precisely what he said earlier, but the other didn’t take the advice and they just wasted time by bickering. Hyunjin loudly sips his fruit tea, preparing himself for the narrating he’s about to do. The sound makes Felix snap his head up, wondering how the hell he still hasn’t finished his drink.

“Oh and for the record, Felix, before I get to the point, I gotta clear my name. I’m not the reason this is happening. Let’s make that one crystal clear. I was just one day, extremely tired while crawling to my bed. Sleep deprived but extremely elated that I have one class the next day and it's in the afternoon. But I fucking wake up in a hospital bed and my life goes to shit blah blah blah. And I came to find you because you’re associated with my death and maybe, you know, find out why this is happening. But to my absolute dismay, you’re far more clueless than I am.” 

“Wait, what? Death? YOU’RE DEAD? YOU’RE A FUCKING GHOST?” Felix almost trips on his chair as he makes an escape. 

From the sequence of events, Felix wasn’t really expecting something like cotton candies and rainbow sparkles. His mind was a blank slate, void of information as to how and why his life has ended up to how it is today. He was definitely expecting something grand, though, something that’ll throw him off. Something that a normal human being would just laugh at because it’s never going to happen for a million years.

But he didn’t expect _death._ Mainly because he’s dealt with it and hasn’t come to terms with it up to this day. Though, it did actually cross his mind when he was theorizing the first morning he woke up to this one hell of a rollercoaster ride. But no one actually believes they’re dead. It’s something that the human brain can never fathom, will never accept. Because it’s tremendously horrifying, just ceasing to exist. Not being able to wake up to the most mundane things. Not fulfilling your dreams. Existence merely depending on the strings of memories and eventually set for oblivion. 

He feels his heart skip a beat and fall to the floor at a racing speed. For the few seconds that Hyunjin doesn’t respond, he feels time stretch out. Until now, everything happened as if he was zooming in an empty highway that leads to a cliff, unable to slam onto the breaks. But once it works, it doesn’t come to a complete halt. Rather, a gradual, torturous stop that put his life at risk. Except he doesn’t even fucking drive and that sounds like suicide to him.

Needless to say, he was more than petrified. And he’s screaming countless _I told you, you were better off not knowing, Felix_ comments in his head.

But he doesn’t exit the cafe right away. He holds onto the door handle to make it easier to run away if Hyunjin attempts to do something to him. He thinks it’s the most stupid decision he’s ever made, especially with his life on the line. But he gulps a huge chunk of his fears. Because if Hyunjin said he’s got something to do with it, he’s here for it.

And now that he knows it, he might as well get answers for the millions of questions clouding his mind. Is he dead too? Or was he Hyunjin’s murder? What does that have to do with them skipping a few months?

“No, silly.” Hyunjin laughs as he sees a series of expressions pass by Felix’ face again, which he reckons that it’s just the other being high up in his own thoughts. “We’re living backwards.”

“WHAT?”

Felix feels his soul leave his body as the cold he has been craving finally hits him at the back of his neck. But it’s more of a strangle rather than a hug of comfort. He feels his heart completely shatter on the floor after Hyunjin’s words of false hope messily mended it up the first time. 

But he believes it. As gullible as he sounds, he believes Hyunjin. 

“Oh you didn’t know yet? And Felix, you have got to fix your habit of sudden outbursts, they’re giving me heart attacks.” Hyunjin tilts his head to the side, genuinely shocked that Felix wasn’t aware of what he just revealed. He pats the chair in front of him with the heel of his boots, telling Felix to come sit back down because he’s harmless.

“You think I’d yell that loud if I did? And you have got to fix your habit of cutting your sentences midway. They’re giving me false hope,” Felix snaps and snatches Hyunjin’s glass of fruit tea because his throat was running dry.

“I’d say cut flooding your head with conclusions.” Hyunjin shrugs.

“Look, we’re nowhere near the necessary part because you keep deflecting the topic. I promise I’m gonna keep myself glued to this chair and listen attentively. So please? Let’s just get this over with,” Felix pleads, feeling so emotionally drained just from a few hours. From the past few days, come to think of it. He thinks he hasn't gotten any rest ever since Jisung’s birthday? Or maybe forever?

“Okay, okay. So, there I was tired after a long day of—“

“Let’s maybe, I don’t know, start when you wake up at the hospital?”

“Rude. But promise me first that you won’t interfere while I’m talking, especially with your spontaneous interjections,” Hyunjin requests with all seriousness. Not until he stretches out his pinky finger, Felix almost choked on his own saliva.

“Sure, whatever.” Felix sloppily slaps his hand onto Hyunjin’s hand, his irritation still visible from how different he treats Hyunjin compared to other strangers. He sees the other roll his eyes in return.

“Very rude. Anyway, as I was saying, I woke up at a hospital bed. And I was so confused because I remember sleeping in my comfy bed, you know? But I was wearing the clothes I had worn the past night. So I sneaked out of my ward, because I have to get to class without being seen by my Mom. Because she’s gonna breathe out fire when she finds out that I’m meddling with her work. Which, I didn’t do, by the way, because I didn’t wanna end up in the fucking hospital which was like, an hour drive from my place and even longer from my university. I was going to ask the nurses in the station what time it was since I didn’t have my phone with me. Then, I took notice of their calendar and it said that it was the 23rd of March of 2021 when it’s supposed to be September 16 of the past year.”

“Wait, it’s March 21 today.” Felix can’t help but react because Hyunjin tells stories the longest way possible. And he doesn’t want his questions to pile up and be forgotten after he has sat through Hyunjin’s lecture, anyway. 

“No, it’s fucking not. Pay attention to your surroundings when something’s wrong, will you? Try and find a calendar or something. I’m guessing you already know that our phones are not reliable. It’s the 19th,” Hyunjin scolds him, wanting to facepalm himself because the other was so oblivious to his surroundings.

“Oh.” 

With a frown on his face as he looks to the side, realizations dawn on Felix as he recalls the reason why he’s working on what he thought was a Sunday. Because, in fact, it was a Friday. Which also explains why Lia was working before his shift. It made sense why Jisung attended classes and why he said Felix has never called him. Because it’s yet to happen for him the next day. _Or so he thinks._ He’s filled with guilt because he snapped at Jisung for something that wasn’t his fault and he should’ve known better. 

“Yeah, oh. Stop analyzing things and get facts through your head first. Because it’s gonna be hard to explain things when you haven’t heard the entire story yet.” 

Felix was almost offended. Especially because of Hyunjin’s long-winded way of revealing things. But he zips his mouth before they go in for another round of arguing and possibly end up having a sleepover at the cafe just to explain things. He knows he’s taken a large part of why they’re defeating their purpose, too. He’s surprised he’s been excessively talkative himself. But maybe it’s just the high from all the madness they find themselves trapped in.

“Okay.”

“So right at that moment, I didn’t have time to think because there rang a buzzing sound in the station and they’re all suddenly rushing towards the room I vacated. And again, I was confused. I don’t have to explain because you’re probably well acquainted with the puzzling happenings, too. But I followed them. 

“There I saw the heartbeat monitor showing a flatline. But I wasn’t scared because I know I’m alive. Though, the thought that maybe my soul left my body crossed my mind, I immediately deemed it dumb. Because if I was only a soul why wasn’t my body present on the bed? But the thing is, they were acting as if I was there and if it wasn’t me in the situation, I’d find it ridiculous because they look dumb trying to revive the air.

“And then, your boy found out the time because the doctor announced the time of my death.”

“I’m sorry, I have to interrupt. I just need a confirmation. You’re not dead because you’re living backwards?” Felix repeated what he now knows.

He can’t find the will in him to accept it, though. And it extremely becomes insufferable because Hyunjin seems fine about it. While Felix wants to reach out and console him because it must be hard knowing you die at such a young age, there are no traces of anxiety in his face. Even though he’s seen a lot worse than Felix has for the time being that he has been here. He completely doesn’t understand what’s going on in Hyunjin’s head or if there even is something going on because it seems like his skull is too thick for the issue to penetrate. But Felix takes the time to applaud how he’s facing this head on, unlike him who even wanted to bolt out. He tells himself that he’s gonna need some of that courage.

“Yes, that’s correct, my boy!” Hyunjin raises his hand for a high five and Felix reluctantly goes in for it, questioning how he has so much energy. “Although, technically, it’s not exactly the whole thing yet but that’s about right.”

“Stop being cryptic and tell the story.”

“Long story short, I did some experimenting that day. I found out that nobody actually cares about my existence. Me. The me you’re seeing right now. Not the me who died. Everyone acts according to that reality where I die. It was as if I’m nonexistent. Because I tried running around the corridors and no one even turned their head. What’s interesting is that, out of impulse, when I saw my Mom, I tried to hide. And then I realized that I didn’t have to because, you know, I’m dead. But when she caught a glimpse of me, I noticed her squint. Then I thought that maybe there’s a difference between people who're just acquainted with you and people you’re close with. So I started being cautious and just stayed at my place for the rest of the day.

“As soon as I got home, I opened my phone and realized that the dates don’t match up. It was my confirmation that I wasn’t hallucinating. I had my proof that I have a different reality from everyone else’s. But I decided to give it some sleep, telling myself that it’s the last straw. If things don’t go back to the way they were the next day, I’m definitely going to do something. 

“The day after that, I went through social media apps to confirm the date based on news, posts and all that stuff. And as you’ve just experienced, my mind went berserk after finding out that I’m not only living in the future, I’m going through it backwards. I put things together and supposed that if it was actually the day before, I’m not yet dead. So I set out for the hospital. On the way, I stopped by a gasoline station, completely forgetting that people don’t see me. Because it’s not really easy getting used to being invisible. But the guy even greeted me and asked me if I was alright because I looked like I got ran over by a truck. His words, not mine. I personally think I’d never look like that. But his exaggerations aside, that’s when I realized that he openly acknowledged that I’m in this world. Got excited by the interaction, by the way.

“So I formed a hypothesis. Just a heads-up, everything I’m saying here is just made from inferences and all that, based on my experiences. Don’t rely on it too much. I’m still not aware of other variables that could possibly affect our stay here. So everything could still change and there could still be phenomenons we don’t know yet.

“Strangers, who have nothing to do with our lives, can see us and even initiate conversations with us. Because, you know, they’re just passing by and know nothing about anything. 

“Your acquaintances, like for example the nurses and the people staying in that particular floor of the hospital who know I’m confined there, will act according to what they know is going on. To how they know the hospitalized me is doing, who is invisible to me. But they can somehow see or something. I don’t really know, I can’t borrow their eyeballs, you see. I believe it’s because they really have no direct influence over our lives and we have none over theirs. But they know something about us, anyways.

“The people you’re close with, however, like my Mom, they’ll act according to what they know is going on. But once they see you, they’re gonna act according to the reality you present. I thought that maybe if my Mom saw me the day before, she would’ve scolded me for roaming around the hospital when I should be studying. Even when she knows I’m dead. But after I vanish from her sight, she’s back to grieving. 

“I don’t really know if I’m making any sense here, but I hope you’re still catching up with my words.

“I realized that I can be as reckless as I want, because what I’d do that day won’t be remembered the next day because it’s all in store for their future. Because our past is their future. So I tried my theory the whole day, for the sake of moving around easily. I found out that I can still be seen by acquaintances, only if I start the conversation. And they’d reply according to the reality of hospitalized Hyunjin.

“I found out that when it comes to people I’m close with, I either have to show myself in person or initiate a call or text before they react according to my reality. I figured that one out after contacting and meeting up with my friends. In which, they asked me how I was doing after the car accident. I made up some excuse and went to the hospital hurriedly because I just found out my cause of death.

“I was a lot careful around my Mom. So instead of asking her upfront and making more complications, I would have to pretend that I just momentarily woke up from being unconscious. So I laid on the hospital bed and waited for her to visit me. I asked her groggily what happened and she told me that I got into an accident. But she mentioned it was with someone, with you.”

Felix didn’t have the time to intervene as Hyunjin was telling him how his experience went by. Maybe because he just wants to learn everything in one go. Maybe because Hyunjin is so fond of talking that he never sounds tired out of it and it fascinates Felix. Maybe because it was the perfect distraction from the indistinguishable feeling in his stomach which may either be his gastric acids growling from lack of food intake or the emotions he’s too afraid to confront.

Maybe all of that at the same time.

So when Hyunjin pauses and silence engulfs everything in the room, his world comes to a halt too. The height of his incomprehensible hate for Hyunjin and desire to always bite back at his remarks falls instantaneously on his shoulders. He was realizing how much energy he’s used up today and it was dissipating hurriedly. It was wearing his eyes out, almost wanting him to just shut his eyelids right at that moment. He was tired. And he has all the right to. After all the thoughts and emotions he has suppressed. After all the words that he’s spilt and let loose. He deserves to rest. Because he’s on the verge of wanting to vomit the information he has been digesting.

Of course, he was the owner of his own body. He knows he’s really exhausted, drowsy even. But he can’t help but think it’s some physical excuse his body has dragged him into because he kind of knows where the story is going. And he doesn’t want to hear the end of it. He’s too afraid to.

Lucky for him, Hyunjin’s grumbling stomach knows how to make an appearance just when the need arises. The other flinches as Felix responds to the noise too actively, delighted that he can steer the conversation to a different topic.

“Oh, uh, cheesecake?” Felix offers with a quite disturbing squeaky voice as he almost flies the container towards Hyunjin’s face.

If there was one thing he picked up and found convenient as he sat through what seems like a grueling lecture, it was the fact that they don’t have to worry about getting themselves caught because of their weird supernatural situation. They won’t have to face everyone’s questions, since those people forget about it the moment they disappear from their sight. It was on the top of his head. Why?

Because he’s not so sure if he still has the strength to drop by Jisung’s place after everything. And he feels like he needs the sugar to keep him from being dysfunctional too. So with a guilty feeling that he’s doing his friend dirty, he convinces himself that Jisung wouldn’t be hurt that he didn’t show up if he doesn’t even remember it. 

“Actually, I think we’re going to need real food. How about we eat at this restaurant I know and—“

“No,” Felix declines without thinking twice.

“No? Okay, uh, I’m guessing you don’t want us to stay in your place either?” Hyunjin asks and Felix shakes his head repeatedly. “My place, then?”

Felix was glad Hyunjin took the hint about his financial situation. He doesn’t intend to eat at a five-star restaurant with all sorts of food that probably costs more than his own life but with servings that could barely get him through his state of hunger. He doesn’t understand how wealthy people let themselves be scammed of money by those shameful capitalists. But then again, it’s better than to spoon feed their cash to those who really need it, right? 

_Wrong, you selfish brainless people._

But his spite for the rich aside, he just really doesn’t want to feel out of place in what feels like more of a different world than being sent to the future. He’ll just feel bad for himself. Plus, he needs to save up because he jumped from the beginning of the academic year to near its end. And projects are gonna be larger scaled and expensive. He doesn’t know how finances are supposed to work from now on because, like Hyunjin said, there are variables. So it’s safer to keep himself from spending money.

He’s not letting a filthy rich guy step into his apartment either. That’s like stepping on his pride. It’ll probably look like a colorful mouse hole to Hyunjin, with some of his furnitures decorated with small smudges and drops of paint and his art materials scattered everywhere.

But he’s most definitely not stepping into, what’s most important in this narrative, a stranger’s house. Sure, he trusts Hyunjin deep under his immoral hatred for him. The guy was kind enough to find him and tell him that they were in a shared fate instead of doing things on his own and leaving Felix in the shadows. That alone shows his intent to help. But you don’t trust someone you’ve known for a few hours enough to go to their place. That’s like obliging yourself to fall for a bait. Because after all, what if Felix just happened to be part of the story and Hyunjin’s just using him to find out information and leave this place by himself?

But on top of that, Felix knows that Hyunjin’s tip toeing around the topic he wants to avoid, too. And observing from the personality Hyunjin has shown Felix so far, he doesn’t seem like he’s one to know when to stop except when it’s about something sensitive. So he guesses the other wants to tell him the thing he doesn’t want to hear in private.

“Hey?” Felix called as Hyunjin was half across the room, ready to leave, taking Felix’ silence as a yes. 

“Hmm?”

“Don’t you… haven’t you… ever, uh, considered that maybe this is a different universe?” Felix stutters as he thinks of an excuse to get out of the situation. But even through his faltering thoughts and voice, he thinks he’s done a pretty great job. Because he’s now curious himself. What if they really are in one?

“I have. And I don’t know if you feel the same way, but the idea just seems wrong, for some reason I can’t explain. It feels like I belong here. It’s just that I’m somewhere beyond in time. And I know it’s weird believing that because there’s another me that people seem to act around but is completely invisible to me. But it’s compelling me to think that he’s really nonexistent and people just act around according to how I was supposed to live when I lived forwards. Just so I can do whatever I have to do without raising suspicions and not messing up the way their lives went as I live backwards,” Hyunjin answered sincerely even when he senses that Felix was just stalling. 

Felix, on the other hand, was surprised because Hyunjin perfectly described how Felix feels about being here. He thinks that from now on, Hyunjin is gonna have to voice out things for the both of them because Felix will never find the right words to express himself. He was impressed about how smart Hyunjin is, too. And he kind of feels secured because now that he’s here by his side, they’d find a way out of this fate in no time.

“Crazy, but yeah I feel the same.” Felix whispers. Hyunjin lets his palm rest on a table and leans his torso towards his arms. He gazes at Felix, completely endeared that the other, who doesn’t even bother to stand up from his seat, was thinking of questions to bring up.

“Felix, I told you I’m harmless so—“

“I remember you mentioning earlier that you came here March 23rd! How’s it that I came here on the 20th? I’m not questioning how we crossed paths even though we’ve spent different spans of time despite leaving off the same date, September 15th. Just why different dates?” Felix asks with too much enthusiasm after he just had a lightbulb moment. He personally thinks it’s a lame random question, but it’s still a diversion. So he’s cool with it. 

“Oh, so my assumption was right! You see, I looked for you at your usual whereabouts after stalking your social media accounts but I couldn’t ever catch you. The night of March 20th, though, I heard news about a car crash where they said one died and the other was in a critical condition. And it registered to me that that was our accident. So I thought, maybe I couldn’t find you before because you’re supposed to arrive the day you die, which is earlier than mine. And this living backwards from my death day is happening to you, too. Which is why I know you were from the past when I saw you!” Hyunjin was excited after he proved another one of his theories to be true, not noticing the grim that locked into Felix’ face.

“So I died first,” Felix said, fingers digging on the mattress of the chair as he finds the information hard to settle with. Even after knowing it was coming. Even after wanting to delay its visit. 

“Oops. I wasn’t supposed to say that here.”

_Wrong question, Felix Lee. Wrong fucking question._

Felix climbs onto the passenger seat mindlessly, not even realizing that he was riding the car in the accident. He was staring at the distance, with nothingness embracing him tight that he wanted to grasp for air. He knows for a fact that his mind was always busy entertaining a lot of emotions at the same time, even when he doesn’t welcome them. But right now, as he’s craving for something, for signs to tell him that he’s alive, he can’t seem to find anything within his reach. 

He wants to feel angry, because all of this is unfair. Because he thinks that even though other people might be going through tougher times, he’s had his fair share of downfalls. He’s had his fair share of wounds that he was left to treat by himself because no one’s going to patch it up for him. No one has to know the pain. No one wants to.

Or, scratch that, maybe he’s never gotten hurt. Maybe he doesn’t have the injuries he has been whining about. Maybe he just keeps falling and falling in an endless pit, with no chance of standing up and starting again because there’s no visible ground.

He wants to feel angry, because after not being able to touch the surface, he’s supposed to die a tragic, sudden death. That after fighting for his dreams after everyone has regarded it pointless, it all goes to waste. After risking his life, his youth just to get what he wanted. After losing his Mom for it. It’s not even worth it.

He wants his anger to turn into sadness, like how everything that burns a blazing red turns into ashes, gently caressed by the wind. Like how dark, roaring skies turn into wailing cries of the rain, echoing through the night.

Because even after having known he originally had a short period of time left to live, he’s supposed to live backwards. Not witnessing his days unfold before him properly. Not being able to go through the spontaneity and surprises of life with the people he treasures. He’s practically hidden from their sight. And when he does spend the day with them, he’s always on the edge of oblivion, suffering in the hands of bittersweet memories that they won’t even have. 

He’s stuck in this fate where he doesn’t know how to go back. He’s in a gamble that has to do with death and he doesn’t know the rules. He doesn’t know when he’ll lose. He doesn’t know if winning means he can change the day of his death or he’ll just have to go through the same months waiting for his fucking deadline.

He wants to cry. He wants to feel agitated. He wants to feel scared. He wants to feel adrenaline that’ll make him want to go back to his normal life. But it was to no avail. And he thinks it’s fucking ruthless to feel this empty in this situation.

But no matter how his brain seems to reject any sort of thought or emotion that it comes in contact with, Felix thinks. He thinks about anything, even if it’s the most trivial of things.

He looks back to what Hyunjin told him. He told him that they’re living backwards. And that people react to it differently according to how important they are in their lives. He realizes how he didn’t quite comprehend it yet because he still has to repeat it to himself over and over again. Which is understandable, he’ll figure it out once he gets there.

_Oh my god? That explains why Jisung didn’t call me about being absent from classes earlier this morning! Because he’s in a mindset that I was there! And he just said it when I called him. That makes so much sense now._

He feels a spark of happiness somewhere in his head. Just a barely noticeable one, because being elated in this situation feels like a crime. It’s safe to think that they don’t have time to relax here and they’re always gonna run out of time. Though, technically, they have their lifetime moving backwards to solve this, right? _Right,_ at least that’s what he knows for now.

But who knows if there’s something they don’t know yet and it’s gonna kill them? Nevertheless, he’s glad to piece together a few things.

_What else did he say? Oh, yeah. The living backwards from our death day. Quite reasonable, it’d be weird to just send us to some random date in the future. But why would the universe do that? Why us? Oh wait, why does that sound oddly familiar?_

Felix remembers this was the car that got them into an accident when he tells himself that it’s a bad idea to tell Hyunjin that he might have known why they ended up here. For the reason that they might end up arguing then dying. So he patiently waits until they reach Hyunjin’s apartment building, anxiously holding onto the seat belt and bouncing his leg up and down.

He almost forgets about it though when Hyunjin opens the door to his place and Felix stares with awe at what seems like a penthouse. He doesn’t know for sure because he’s never seen or dreamt of one, considering his social class. But it was definitely five times bigger than his flat, or probably even larger. 

Hyunjin leads him to sit down on a sofa and he feels even smaller as he sinks on the soft material. All at once a magical feeling coats his very skin as he feels like he’s stargazing. And what made his eyes glimmer and his stomach fluttery, forgetting all of the bad energy he has been garnering ever since he woke up in the future, was the fact that Hyunjin’s place was almost like an art museum. The interior was an elegant combination of black and white but hanging on the walls were abstract pieces, emotional paintings, intricate landscapes, raw sketches and all of those things that bring Felix an air of euphoria. It was the focal point of the room. And it was luring him in. Felix so badly wants to bask in the freedom, creativity and life it brings. He wants to reek of color. To just stare at every single one of them for hours. To criticize it, to learn from it, to hear its story. 

“Felix?” Hyunjin snaps him back to his senses.

But, unfortunately, he was here for a different purpose. Though he makes sure to bring it up later after seeing a slightly ajar door leading to what looks like a small art studio.

“Yeah, I’m here. I’m fine. Sorry,” Felix replies right away to let Hyunjin know that he was with him. He’s been seeing the worried glances Hyunjin has been throwing at him ever since the car ride. And he doesn’t want to be any more of a bother.

“Is there anything you want to eat in particular?”

“Anything’s fine.” 

Hyunjin has been itching to ask if he’s still okay and if he wants to take everything slowly but he reckons it’s best to give the other the time to sort out things in his head. He thinks it’s futile to do that, too, because he’s clearly not doing good and he might just end up having an emotional breakdown. Just like everybody else does from Hyunjin’s experience. But mostly because his confidence in saying things fluctuates every now and then. And this time, he’s chickening out.

Hyunjin’s not aware of it, but Felix acknowledges the action and is grateful for the space he’s giving.

He doesn’t understand why Felix still came with him, though. He has technically finished narrating his entire story. But he welcomes him to his humble abode, anyway. He’s thankful for an actual company who can see and remember him. And even more relieved because he doesn’t know what’s going on in Felix’ head. It’s best that he’s within his watch so Hyunjin’s assured he doesn’t do anything bad.

So he cooks pasta for the both of them, because he believes it could nurse Felix back to a stable mental health. Because pasta could never go wrong no matter what food preference someone has. 

“Listen, I wanted to tell you this after we eat because I don’t want to ruin your appetite. But I don’t want you to say that I’m taking advantage of your luxuries, either.” Felix walks towards the kitchen, which was, thankfully, still visible from the living room. Because he doesn’t want to get lost and ask Hyunjin for directions when the other asks him to leave because of the bomb he’s about to drop.

“Go on.” Hyunjin encourages Felix since he hasn’t spoken for a long time ever since they arrived. “If you think I’d react badly, I suggest you stop thinking like that. I highly think I wouldn’t.”

“Thanks,” Felix says as Hyunjin slid a plate towards his direction on the kitchen island, obliging him to sit on the high stool. 

“You’re welcome,” Hyunjin replies. He sits across Felix and indulges in the food he’s made even before the other takes a bite, making annoying sounds that screams of brags about his cooking skills. Felix is reminded of how narcissistic this guy is even in this critical situation 

“I still hate you, by the way,” Felix snarked. He can’t help it, not when the way Hyunjin forms his sentences like he’s so sure of himself infuriates every bit of him. 

He takes a bite of his pasta and admits that it’s probably the most lavishly tasting food he has ever had. But Hyunjin was definitely exaggerating. 

“Wow.” Hyunjin laughs at Felix’ blunt remark, finding it quite interesting. “Right after I give you your food. I see how it is.”

“Anyways, unlike some people, I like to get to the point. So, yeah, I think I might know why we’re here.” Felix breathes out a sigh. But he internally freaks out when he realizes that if he’s too straightforward, he has to explain that this mayhem was caused by something he said at the spur of the moment.

_I think I might need a few exchanges of banter or I’m gonna fucking lose it._

The thing is, he knows that everything he felt and consequently, everything he said that night was completely justifiable. Especially when he didn’t know that the universe was gonna take him for his words after every single time they didn’t. But he can’t explain himself, because this will sound completely irrational for Hyunjin. Because no one ever understands what you’re going through unless they’re in your position, unless they slip through the poison of emotions you’ve worn. 

And that’s fine with Felix, if Hyunjin ever gets angry at him. As long as Hyunjin doesn’t ditch him, because he can’t figure shit out with his ignorant self. Plus, even if he intended to get himself entangled in this chaos, he wouldn’t want to drag anyone else. That’s good enough of a disclaimer and apology, right? _He wishes it was right._

So he draws inspiration from the artworks surrounding him to get the words out of his mouth as he sucks in some air. After all, it gives him a sense of freedom. Illusionary or not, it’s still something, right?

“Yeah, me too,” Hyunjin responded nonchalantly as if Felix didn’t almost chop his head off when he said he didn’t know anything about it at the cafe.

“Wait, really?” Felix was caught off guard, cutting his mental drama. And now he’s as confused as he was a few hours ago, except he’s choking on expensive pasta.

“Yeah, we’re here to eat pasta and make you feel better,” Hyunjin jokes with a serious face, turning the room quiet. He doesn’t stand the silence for even a few seconds and he bursts out laughing. Because it seemed like Felix held his breath for so long, and he imagined the guy turning purple. He doesn’t want that to happen, does he?

“I really really hate you.” Felix threatens Hyunjin with the fork he was holding. He goes a little bit over the top, though, because it slips out of his hands and flies towards the floor. It misses Hyunjin’s head by barely a centimeter but the other didn’t bother to move. Felix lets his head rest on the counter after the suspense has died down, letting Hyunjin’s laughter ring through his ears. And yes, Hyunjin was still laughing.

“It’s just revenge for saying you hate me.” Hyunjin shrugs and stands up to get Felix another fork. “You have got to get used to me. We’re in this together from now on. I’m not going anywhere even if you loathe my attitude, Felix Lee.”

In all honesty, Hyunjin wasn’t doing it to get back at Felix. That, you probably know by now. Or maybe you don’t. Hyunjin thinks it’s pretty obvious that he’s trying to alleviate the distress clouding Felix’ eyes. Though, he’s taking advantage of Felix’ combined cluelessness and hostility to what he’s doing. But the means aren’t really important as long as he has good intentions, right?

He doesn’t get it, though, why Felix reacts too violently to death. Not that it’s an inappropriate response. But he just thinks it’s not too much of a big deal. They both can feel their flesh and their blood running. They didn’t even experience the accident themselves. It’s just, he presumes, what could’ve happened to them if they lived moving forwards. So technically, the living backwards thing isn’t all that bad. Like everything else in the world, it has its pros and cons. They have it to thank for not dying, though, it’s not really the best solution.

Felix, on the other hand, had other things to worry about. But he finds solace in Hyunjin’s words. It’s not even a direct implication related to what he was going to say. But it was the reassurance he needed. It was the go signal he was waiting for. It was an indication that Hyunjin was there to stay. Even if it’s an angry Hyunjin, he’ll have to work with it. He needs even an angry Hyunjin. But he’s not saying that to Hyunjin’s face, it’s going to inflate his ego.

“On the night of September 15th I asked why I can’t fast forward to my death day,” Felix said in a heartbeat, because he doesn’t want to contemplate on how to say things, in a way that wouldn’t shock Hyunjin just as much, anymore. The impact’s going to leave an impression anyway, so why bother?

“Felix, what the actual fuck? You dragged me here? And you wouldn’t even know the damage you’ve done, even to yourself, if I didn’t find you and explained things to you? I am absolutely—“

“I know, I know! But, uh, I actually don’t know. Uh,” Felix was forming explanations, excuses, anything in his mind, “you said you wouldn’t react harshly. So please, let’s calm down.”

“And you have the audacity to tell me that? I can’t believe I was dragged here because of a petty statement that—“

“But hey! Maybe… uh, maybe it’s different. Maybe it’s something else. Right, something else. Maybe you said something and you don’t remember it. Something like what I said!” Felix suddenly comes up with the idea to try and compensate for the fact that he brought Hyunjin to all this trouble. But maybe what he said was right. Maybe he doesn’t have anything to do with Hyunjin’s case and they just happened to come from the same accident.

“No, I didn’t.” Hyunjin stopped for a moment to think about it, only to furrow his brows even further out of rage.

“Okay. Okay, maybe, uh… I don’t know. You know, just… I’m not making excuses, okay? I really don’t know if I did or didn’t drag you here. But one thing’s for sure, this is unintentional. And I’m still apologetic. I’m sorry. But don’t you think there’s another reason you’re here? I mean, I specifically said _my_ death day. I didn’t include you. I didn’t even know I died with someone else!” 

Felix spun his chair around so that he was facing more of the place than Hyunjin, free of liability now that he thought more of it. He wants to say that it wasn’t petty, though. He sure regrets saying it now that it brought him here. But that’s just how it felt that night, everything was painful and he was struggling to breathe.

Hyunjin had his head lowered, guilty about the accusations that left his mouth. He panics when he senses movement. It was Felix standing up. And Hyunjin thinks that the other was about to leave because he assumed Hyunjin wants him to. So he follows him, only to be surprised to be led by Felix towards a particular set of artworks he’s quite curious about himself.

“You’re right.” Felix snaps his head to his side, not knowing that Hyunjin was on his left side, a little bit behind him.

“You recall something?” He gets excited that they’re getting another clue. That maybe it’s another constant between them and it’s their one step closer towards solving this.

“No, I don’t. I didn’t really say anything like that. I’m certain. But I think you’re right that what happened to me may have another reason. It was wrong of me to blame you. I guess I was just desperate for an answer that when it clicked, I bought it, you know? Excuses aside, I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. Stop looking like a sad puppy, it’s no big deal. Come on, put your attitude back.” Felix laughs because it’s not really much of an offense but Hyunjin seemed to take it seriously. “Oh, and I didn’t mean to intrude with your personal life but, are you an art student?” 

“Architecture, actually.” Felix looks over Hyunjin’s direction once more before he glues his eyes to the painting right before him.

“Now I understand why there are so many drawings of buildings and landscapes! But you know, you’d actually make a great contribution to the arts. You have an eye for detail,” Felix praises as his fingertips trace the frame of a design of what looks like an entire compound of a hospital. He wonders what’s with Hyunjin and his connections to hospitals.

“I’m guessing you’re an art student?” Hyunjin judges from the way Felix talks, from the way he can’t strip his eyes away from all the artworks. Felix wasn’t slick, Hyunjin has been noticing how he throws glances at the pieces as if noting them on his rob list.

“Yeah, but I’m not really all that great.” 

“Hey, I’m sure you are.” Hyunjin frowns as he hears insecurity coat Felix’ voice. Felix replies with a bitter smile, thankful for the confidence Hyunjin was putting on him despite them knowing each other for barely a day. 

“You have no say until you see what I create.” Hyunjin opens his mouth as if to prove a point. “But no, I’m not showing them to you.”

“Oh, but I’ll see them someday.” Hyunjin taunts with a sly smile just before his gaze softens. “For what it’s worth, I’ve always envied those of you who can whip out a brush or a pencil and know exactly what shade to use for certain parts like it’s nothing. It’s amusing how you always know what to draw, what to express, how to convey your emotions, how you can bare your soul. I’ve always wanted to do that.”

“You have potential, Hyunjin. I’m sure you know that. If you really wanted to pursue it, why didn’t you? You’d be surprised with your growth within just a few months,” Felix asked as he was roaming his eyes around the place. 

He can see what Hyunjin meant with what he said. Most of the pieces hanging were more of structural. Aside from lack of technique, he can’t exactly put it into words, but it was as if there was something holding them back. But he can see how art has become Hyunjin’s hobby. And with practice, he’ll become spectacular. He’s probably even better than Felix when he started having fantasies of going to art school, thinking he was on a par with everyone else. 

Hyunjin’s skills were even making Felix feel little of himself again. The flashbacks weren’t helping either. He was such a raw aspirant amidst the crowd of already honed talents. And even though he’s a lot better than before, the fact that other people are improving even more doesn’t stray away from his thoughts. He’s still uneasy with his pace. But nevertheless, Hyunjin’s talent is such a waste. He’d trade the world to have it, so why would he throw it away?

“Because it wasn’t for me. It was just one of those things in life you wished you had but never really felt bad about. Ruled lines, exact measurements, that was the thing for me. Something concrete. Something that I can bring to reality, not something to distract me from it. I was a sucker for the restrictions of art in architecture. I was great at it. And I’m never really one for the sappy stuff, but yeah, it gives me life. Just like, I presume, what art does to you.”

“You’re right about that.” Felix nods as Hyunjin’s words pierce through his soul, knowing what it feels like to fall in love with what you do, with no explanations needed.

“You see that?” Hyunjin points to a framed aerial view of a subdivision along with the design of how the units would look, his energy at its peak now that he’s talking about something dear to his heart. “That’s a joint project that my Mom and Dad want me to take on once I’m an architect. It’s low cost housing for patients with terminal or undiagnosed sickness and their families. It’s gonna be convenient because it’s near the hospital. They won’t have to get homesick because they can visit anytime because immediate healthcare is just around the corner. Plus other benefits that I’m not gonna go on about because obviously, I’m not selling it to you. But all I’m saying is, I already made a draft because I so badly want to do it for those families.” 

“You’d make a great architect,” Felix affirms, more to himself than to Hyunjin. Because Hyunjin’s sincerity was melting his heart, making it bleed gold. He has plans and goals that he wants to achieve in the long run. And those give him the determination to get out of this and change their fate though it seems impossible. But after seeing Hyunjin’s passion make his eyes shine a shade of contentment, he includes Hyunjin on the things that fuel him to be a little braver. He’s gonna make sure he becomes an architect. 

“I know! I’m gonna crush it. I’m so excited to graduate and do it officially. If that actually happens, you’re the first one I’m gonna call and I’m gonna treat you out. And no, you can’t pass. You have to do it for me,” Hyunjin demands. 

“Okay, okay! I will. No need to pressure me,” Felix agrees, wondering where Hyunjin gets the certainty in his speech as if this is just a difficult level in a video game and they’re gonna succeed after a few tries.

“I know I sound like I’m boasting to you. But there’s a bottomline to all of this, Felix. Take pride in what you do best even when you’re not the best at it. Okay? It’s what makes us feel alive after all.” 

That’s when Felix succumbs to the voice inside his head that the image of Hyunjin he built for himself to criticize was the exact opposite of his personality. At least, for the wrong reasons.

Sure, Hyunjin exudes an aura of pride and he may come across as conceited. But that just springs from the confidence he has in himself. A good kind of confidence, one that no one can tear apart because he has genuine conviction in what he can do. And he believes that everyone should find that faith within themselves, too. Yes, he’s insanely fucking rich which is a grave sin to society. But what matters is that he gives back. And on top of that, he does it with so much love for what he does.

Maybe Felix is disgusted of all that Hyunjin is because he’s everything he’s not and he hates to admit it to himself.

“Okay,” Felix whispers, breaking his gaze at the paintings he’s been so invested with the whole time they were talking to make eye contact with Hyunjin. He flashes a hopeful smile at him. It was a confirmation, more for himself than for Hyunjin. Because, maybe, just maybe, Hyunjin is the little push that he needs to work on appreciating himself.

“You interested in those paintings? They stand out in my collection, don’t they?” Hyunjin decides to bring up after a few minutes of silence. “Maybe you’re giving me too much credit because of them. They’re not mine. They magically appeared when I time traveled to the future. Few of the things that comes with it, I guess.”

Felix frowns after hearing what Hyunjin said. He didn’t want to assume in the first place since it sounds so peculiar to even think about. But the strokes were so alike to his. It was made with a similar technique he uses. And it had the obscurity-with-purpose touch he likes to see and even more so, loves to make. It was just _so_ him that he can’t help but think he made it. But that’s just preposterous because he never did.

Then again, nothing’s impossible in their fate, right?

“Now that you’ve said that, let me be delusional and say that they look like something I’d paint.” Felix words out cautiously. He was unsure of what Hyunjin would say that he seals his lips in a tight line and squints his eyes just to peek at his expression. 

“Oh my god, Felix Lee, you paint like this?” Hyunjin almost destroys Felix’ eardrums after Felix finishes his sentence. Felix thinks he shouldn’t have said that and just kept his guess to himself.

“Is that a good scream or a bad scream?” He bites his lower lip waiting for a response only to have his life shaken out of him.

“Are you kidding me? You’re really talented! I’ve always stared at these whenever I’m home because they evoke so much emotion.” Hyunjin grabs Felix’ shoulders and pushes him back and forth violently. 

“Don’t get ahead of yourself, I’m not completely sure if it’s really my—

“But that’s the most plausible explanation! I had it within the timespan we skipped. I’m claiming it! You’d make a great artist,” Hyunjin mocks what Felix told him through the ambition and thrill in his voice, a whole lot different from the soft voice Felix spoke with earlier. 

“You’re just saying that because the artist is around.” Felix rolls his eyes, thinking he’s insincere about his support. Hyunjin likes to believe he just made it sound fabulous.

“Or maybe I really liked your art at the time we supposedly knew each other that I got it from you.” Hyunjin says wholeheartedly, changing the ambiance of the place all of a sudden. “Maybe I still love it in this fate.”

Maybe Felix loves the sound of that that it makes him tear up a little. That it makes him all fuzzy on the inside, contrary to the kind of warmth he felt a few hours ago. Something like blankets and hot chocolate by the fireplace on the first day of snow.

Because it’s supposed to be somewhere within us that we should find validation, right? But it’s not always bad to have a supporter who’ll remind you of why you started from time to time. It’s been so, so long since he’s had one that he forgot how it hits differently. And it kind of feels nice.

“What makes you think you didn’t steal it from me?” Felix fights back a smile through his sarcasm. Because although he likes this feeling, not losing to Hyunjin’s attitude was first priority.

“I hate you. That was supposed to be a fucking compliment. You blew it away.”

Maybe Hwang Hyunjin was the best dose of paradox he’s had today.

_Sharp turns._

_Blinding lights._

_Crashing sound._

It was on replay in Felix’ head as he ditched school after his third class after finding out that no one in class pays attention to him unless he makes his presence known by speaking up. His professors already have his outputs, too, even without him knowing what to pass. So technically, he doesn’t have to attend university. But Felix being Felix, he still wants to. Just not now, because he has to see Hyunjin after having a dream about their accident again. 

He had the same dream from the night he transitioned from the present to the future, except he can recognize Hyunjin’s face now and it wasn’t blurry like the first time he had seen it. Felix thinks it’s related to meeting Hyunjin because he didn’t have the same dream the first night he was here. And that it’s gonna get clearer the more he meets him. Then, they’re gonna have the next clue of why they got into an accident. 

From there, he doesn’t really know what else to do. But one step at a time, right?

“Oh, you’re here! I didn’t know what time your shift is so I just waited for you here,” Hyunjin greets Felix as soon as he opens the door of the cafe. Felix was stunned that the other was there that early. And at that rate, he might’ve been there since business hours started. He thinks that Hyunjin’s ability to entertain himself for a long time while on standby is immensely commendable.

“I don’t work today, actually.” Felix realizes that he didn’t even know if Hyunjin was gonna be at the cafe and he just went there on instinct that he’ll find him there. 

_Wow, our mind works on the same wavelength already._

“So, I’m guessing you already know about the school thing that’s why you’re here?” Felix nods as he takes a seat across Hyunjin. “It’s the first time I went to class ever since I’ve been here. Since, you know, I can’t put myself out there and risk my time traveler identity because everybody knows I was hospitalized. And yesterday, I was busy looking for you. So I was so surprised after finding out that we can cut classes. I really don’t want to but I think it’s best to do so to figure this out and get out of here quickly. We’re gonna encounter the lessons again anyway, once we’re back on track.”

“Yeah, same. I’m glad we got something to work on our side in this situation,” Felix replied shortly, his energy still no match for Hyunjin’s even in the morning.

“So why were you looking for me?” Hyunjin takes a bite of his sandwich before sliding a plate of the same thing and a glass of the fruit tea he’s obsessed with towards Felix’ direction.

“I—“

Felix was about to rebut and say that he could ask the same question for Hyunjin. Then, argue that he doesn’t eat breakfast but Hyunjin beat him to it.

“I made that sandwich, don’t you dare refuse to eat it,” Hyunjin warns because he really did make it, knowing that Felix was going to decline anything he spends money on.

“Okay.” Felix raises both of his hands in defeat and proceeds to take a bite for Hyunjin’s satisfaction.

“You know, I really don’t understand why we have to live backwards just because you wished for it, indirectly, and something else for me. Like, yo, what the fuck? Now that I think about it, it’s really completely crazy and unreasonable.” Hyunjin goes on while Felix was chewing his food.

“Speaking of the death day thing, I came here, looking for you, to talk about that. You see, I forgot to tell you yesterday that before I woke up to the morning of March 20th, I had a dream of our accident. Don’t get your hopes up, it was really really vague that I couldn’t understand anything. And I dreamt of it again last night, but this time your face is recognizable. So I strongly believe that it’s connected to you and the more I meet you, the more vivid my dream gets.”

“Hmm, interesting.” Hyunjin hums and thinks about Felix’ hypothesis for a while. “Okay, think about this. My face became recognizable because you met me. So maybe, if you meet other circumstances or things that you supposedly encountered living life forwards, it’ll show in your dreams. Kind of like unlocking things.”

“You’re saying seeing you has nothing to do with it?” Felix repeats because the intuition stirring within him wants to insist that he’s right. 

“No, I think I am a contributing factor to having the dream, still. Because you must’ve seen something on your second day here and should’ve had a dream about it. According to you, you didn’t have one. I don’t know for sure. But we both know we’re in an entangled fate here.”

“I hate inconsistencies.” Felix hates being stumped, now that he knows more of the situation and not just blindly going through it. But one thing’s for sure, he has established that Hyunjin is the brain between them. 

“Where do you wanna go?” Hyunjin slurs while sipping the last of his fruit tea.

Actually no, maybe he wasn’t the brain. _Where the heck would he want to go in the middle of unraveling this mess?_

“What?”

“We’re not gonna stay here and stare at each other all day, Felix. We have to go out and visit places that could trigger another clue in your dreams,” Hyunjin proposes with his signature sass. And okay, maybe he gets the rights to his title back. 

“How am I supposed to know where we should go?”

“Well, maybe start with places that we could’ve visited together, you know? The predestined us. Because we wouldn’t have been in an accident in my car, together, if we were just strangers. No pressure, though. Take your time to think. But this is really unfair. Why don’t I get the dreams? Why do you get to have the cool part?” Hyunjin whines while Felix was trying to follow his suggestion from the first part of what he’s rambling on about. It distracts Felix, though. Because he can’t, for the life of him, focus on one thing when another thing is going on. 

_We were literally strangers last night, though. And I was in his car. So technically, we could’ve been in an accident together as strangers,_ Felix almost rebutted. But he went against the idea as it sent shivers down his spine. Just entertaining the thought that they could’ve died the same way as his contradiction doesn’t settle well with him.

“I don’t know, Hyunjin. I wouldn’t want to dream about it if I were you. It feels really realistic. And it’s not fun being run over by a vehicle several times,” Felix says instead. 

“Hey, that’s the first time you said my name!” Hyunjin beams at Felix that it makes him resent that he hasn’t said the other’s name early on because it sounded like he was waiting for it.

“It is?” Felix asks just for the sake of seeing Hyunjin’s smile grow a little bigger. And he wasn’t disappointed. Hyunjin does so and nods like an adorable little puppy. He takes a mental note to say his name often from now on, considering it the start of a blossoming friendship.

He thinks he’s being a bit dramatic. But he likes the feeling of being hyper aware that he’s happy right now, even if it’s about the simplest of things. It makes his heart beat a little bit louder. It makes him a bit dizzy, as if anticipating the clock to strike twelve on New Year’s Eve. As if counting down the seconds before a concert starts. Except it was from the high of inspiration, giving him a sudden rush.

“Why are you standing up? You’ve already thought of something? Felix, wait, I need to order a fruit tea.” Hyunjin scurries as Felix grabs his things and sandwich. 

“Yes, Hyunjin. Let’s go! You’re so slow!” 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yay hyunlix action!!! a bit lengthy than i actually intended but i hope u enjoy reading nonetheless <33
> 
> to you who’s reading this, yes YOU, bub, thanks for reading it makes me really really happy :((
> 
> oh and just a heads-up, they dont know that they cease to exist when they reach the day they left off. i felt like i have to say it bc it’s important for future chapters :D


	4. enslaved by emotions

“No… please. You don’t have to open the door. You don’t have to let me in! Just please! Don’t go! Please stay. I’m begging you! Don’t leave me… please?” 

Felix was shaking his head vigorously, tears streaming down his face endlessly. Until everything goes pitch black. Eventually what feels like reality pans into an annoying eyesore of a single light bulb in the ceiling and his chaos of an apartment. And then comes the dizziness and exhaustion successfully restrained by his determination to fulfill his purpose. Though, it wasn’t even close to being accomplished.

It was _that_ dream again. 

He finds himself gripping onto his blankets and clutching onto his favorite pillow just exactly when he’s on the verge of leaving sleep and falling conscious into another day of mourning. And as soon as he tries to sit himself up, his eyes automatically dart to his door. He drills all what if’s, could’ve been’s and frustrations into his doorknob for he doesn’t know how long. He’s lost count. Maybe minutes. Maybe hours. Maybe a fucking lifetime.

He feels himself pant while pondering on why doors have to exist. In return, it coats him with an exasperating mix of cold sweat and tears. And even when all emotions have left his features from hours of finding the right ones that fit the hole in his heart, those liquefied guilt, regret and longing keep finding their way to trail down his eyes. And he can’t do anything to stop it. It was hopeless.

Like how he can’t do anything to see his Mom again. Even in his fucking dreams. It was hopeless.

It’s a different type of pain— knowing how it all turns out in the end but he keeps lying to himself with false hopes. Because having someone be taken away from you and just accepting how it is, it’s not how it’s supposed to go, right? _Right, it’s supposed to fucking hurt a ton._

It makes him useless for the entire day. Because he’s a fucking weakling who can’t ever get over the sorrow that bites him on the neck. Its venom paralyzing him in a sweet and slow torture. And it doesn’t take long until it gains full control of his body. Before he knows it, he’s once again enslaved by emotions, always letting them tower over him. But then, that’s the price you pay for loving someone so much, right? You willingly place yourself hanging on a cliff. And once they’re gone, you freefall without knowing when and where it ends.

He’s pathetic. But the dream gods are sick and twisted for playing that day on repeat. That one day he sneaked through the hospital before visiting hours to see his Mom before he goes to school. That one day he sprinted out of his last class to pick up the cake he always bought from his Aunt to celebrate his birthday with his Mom. That one day he came back to her lifeless.

Except the dream begins with him at school and he’s aware that he’s gonna be too late. But when he reaches the hospital, the door to his Mom’s ward is locked. And the room goes farther and farther from him until he can only see the darkness. 

_Darkness._ Something that replaced the light in Felix’ life that she unknowingly took with her.

But after god knows how long, he seeks remedy from a cold shower to wake up his senses and to wash away traces of torment. Just like that, he always manages to face the day. Or at the very least, put on a facade while even the simplest things make him sensitive on the inside. Because the world will never stop to acknowledge that he needs to recuperate. Especially now more than ever. He has to keep up with that.

“Hi, hyung. You working today? Do you need help?” Felix greets Changbin as soon as he sees him behind the counter. 

He thinks it’s the perfect excuse. Although, Hyunjin was already there and he’ll be able to avoid him for a few hours, at best. Because he doesn’t know if he can fully cooperate with Hyunjin and all his theories and stories. At least at work, emotional requirements and mental stability aren't a thing. 

_Or are they?_ He doesn’t even want to know. But he’s certain it’s going to give him a boost to be fully operational for the day.

“Get to your own business, Lix. You have your shift later, anyway.” Changbin winks at him, eyeing Hyunjin who was looking at the two of them intently. 

Felix, on the other hand, mentally grunts because his friend was giving him away to his inescapable reality. He cringes at Changbin’s teasing, too, knowing that he must’ve been hinting that a stranger was hitting on him and he should take his chance. When in fact, he has told Changbin about Hyunjin for a little over a week they’ve known each other.

He cringes even more at how that sounds like he’s fawning over Hyunjin. It’s just that, with the situation that they’re in, Felix has to continuously explain Hyunjin as a friend to Changbin and he’s getting tired of it.

“You’re friends with the owner of this cafe?” Hyunjin gushed as Felix sits across him with coffee that Changbin handed him, this being the first time Hyunjin heard them talk. He slides a plate of pancakes towards Felix and pouts after realizing that he’s saved him some fruit tea but the other already has a drink.

“Of course, Hyunjin. I’m his employee. And don’t give me that face, I’m sure you’re more than happy to have that for yourself,” Felix reasoned. He takes a bite from the pancake and frowns when he recognizes that it’s the cafe’s.

“But employees usually hate their boss. This is so sad, I’m realizing that you really do hate me because you’re a kind person to everyone else.” Hyunjin places his hand on top of his heart dramatically. He eventually fake cries when Felix doesn’t give him a reaction because he was busy devouring the pancake. Hyunjin thinks it’s strange that Felix hasn’t argued about the food yet, like he always does. But the other realizes it a second later.

“Yeah, but Hyunjin I can’t pay you for—“

“I’m feeding you the leftover of the food I ordered. You shouldn’t be guilty. You should be angry,” Hyunjin insists. Felix just shakes his head at how Hyunjin manages to get away with making him eat food all the time.

_How could leftover possibly be two pancakes? He must’ve shamelessly ordered four pancakes in one go instead of having two orders of two pancakes just so he can do this. Changbin-hyung must’ve been mortified._

“Okay,” Felix surrenders with giggles spilling from his mouth.

“Theory still stands?” Hyunjin asks, a slight but sharp change in his tone evident. He’s glad it’s quite indistinguishable because Felix doesn’t notice. 

Hyunjin starts snooping somewhere. Because Felix was unusually late today. Not that it’s an issue of punctuality. They haven’t even set a particular time on their meetings at the cafe. But there’s something about Felix today that he can’t quite wrap his head around. The only thing to describe it, is that it’s _off._ But he has taken into account his observation that Felix often retreats when his emotions are involved in the conversation. So when he has to find out something, he has to insinuate as quietly as possible.

“Yeah.”

All throughout the entire week that Felix and Hyunjin have known each other, they have agreed to meet each other every other day to fulfill their academic duties and to face the issue they’re still yet to solve. But also, to test the reliability of Hyunjin’s hypothesis that he has to be around Felix for him to get a certain clarity of clues about what could’ve been their life is in his dreams. And it has never failed once. Whenever Hyunjin was around he’d dream about something that night. Whenever he wasn’t, Felix gets a good night sleep. 

Only that its contents have failed the both of them in delivering useful information. Because all Felix has ever seen were cliche, mushy moments that Hyunjin likes to call soft and adorable whenever Felix would narrate them.

But Felix decides not to tell Hyunjin about his dream this time. It wasn’t a miscalculation on Hyunjin’s part, anyway. It was a repetitive occurrence, something that haunted him from time to time. And Hyunjin doesn’t need to know anything about it.

“Okay. That’s good, yeah? At least, we’re stable,” Hyunjin commends their progress as he thinks of something that would irk Felix. Anything, actually, that would make him feel a different emotion. Screw finding out what it’s about.

“Yeah, stable but stagnant.” Felix stabs a fork into the pancake and violently slices a small piece, creating a screeching sound that almost deafens Hyunjin. Felix didn’t know when his sadness turned into anger. But he figures it must’ve been registered as synonymous in his brain.

“Let’s, maybe, not do that again.” Hyunjin suggests after they garnered looks from neighboring tables. “But hey! It’s better than moving backwards, right?”

“We’re already moving backwards,” Felix pointed out. Though he was playing dumb to try and get back at Hyunjin for all the times he had poked fun at him during situations.

“No, I meant regressing,” Hyunjin argued with a hint of innocence in his confusion.

“I know.” Felix lets out a bellowing laughter. He pats Hyunjin’s shoulders, boasting that he had him there for a minute.

Hyunjin observes that Felix is a better liar between the both of them. Hyunjin often gives himself away or puts on weird expressions, but Felix is solely in character when he’s messing with Hyunjin. Probably from how he handles all his locked up thoughts and feelings. Hyunjin doesn’t know for sure. For all the times he’s seen coherence and sanity slipping and drifting away from his expressions, maybe his mind was blank. Or maybe not. But Felix, for sure, is over the moon for silence. 

_But what if he wasn’t?_

Hyunjin finds himself saddened when he thinks that maybe Felix wasn’t friends with the voices in his head. And maybe the quiet was from all the times he had been shut down by everyone, by the world, by _himself._ That Felix doesn’t easily spot bad liars like Hyunjin because he was so used to just following along. 

So while Felix’ laughter is dying down, he makes it a point to make Felix’ life full of noise from now on. Just like that. 

“Whatever. While you’re eating I’m going to inform you about our itinerary for today. Last night, I just remembered that when I was going through your social media, I—

“I haven’t told you this, but I still think you should’ve gone through my hospital files. Since I was probably brought there and just pronounced dead on arrival, I’d have documents. Instead of sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong. It’s unfair that you got the key to my personal life without my permission.” Felix winced, halfway through his statement, at the mention of something linked to his dream earlier. He realizes how he’s been doing so much better than when he was at his flat. So he only lets it bother him a tiny bit, not allowing it to bring him back to a wrecked state.

“Well, desperate times call for desperate measures. Plus, I don’t think I’d find something useful in your hospital files aside from your address. And isn’t that illegal, anyway?” Hyunjin shrugs and slurps the last of the fruit tea he was supposed to give to Felix.

“How am I supposed to know?” Felix finds himself snatching it just before Hyunjin finishes the drink. He points to his throat, signaling that it was running dry from waiting for the coffee to cool down and he needs something cold. But he wanted to do it mostly for the sake of Hyunjin’s effort of saving it for him.

“You’re the one fucking suggesting it!”

“I just did it for fun before. You know, for the thrill of sneaking out and all that bullshit,” Felix mumbled, flashing a small smile.

Nostalgia glosses his eyes as he recalls the times he’d go through his Mom’s findings because she doesn’t want to let him know for him not to worry. And he’d act like he didn’t know, always telling her the brightest stories of what was outside the hospital. He’d treat her as if she wasn’t sick, let her do small things for him so she doesn’t feel bad about being bedridden. And his Mom looked so happy every time he’s with him that he never stopped to tell her he’s aware of what’s going on. And he’d go through all those silent cries of agony, waiting for her to let him see the pain. He’d go through it again just to see her smile.

But he lets it happen. He lets his reminiscing of his Mom’s smile comfort him to a better mood.

“I suppose you were never caught because you obviously have no recollection of trauma. I wouldn’t ever do that.” Hyunjin quivers at the thought of his Mom dragging him across the floor, catching everyone’s attention, from all the times she’s seen him at the hospital. He’d probably get disowned if he did what Felix told him. But he wonders what’s the reason for Felix to be familiar with the hospital, as if it was his playground.

“Ah, what a coward,” Felix scoffed, waving his fork at Hyunjin’s face.

“I could say the same for you. Just for different things,” Hyunjin retaliated, wanting to bring up the day they first met each other when Felix was almost always flying away from him.

“Shh, we’re getting sidetracked again.” Felix puts a finger on his lips as the blush creeps on the back of his ears and towards his cheeks.

“Yes, of course, let’s sweep it under the rug when it’s about your—“

“Shh!” Felix shuts Hyunjin up with a finger on his lips, only to dramatically shake it while Hyunjin rolls his eyes. “Eww, saliva.”

“So as I was saying before you interrupted me, I often stumbled upon pictures of a library. I figured we would’ve gone there so I looked it up and found that there was even an ice cream parlor nearby!” Hyunjin exclaimed with too much excitement that his legs were bouncing. And Felix can’t help but think that Hyunjin was the sunshine boy everyone kept labeling him to be.

“I guess you want us to go there, too?”

“Of course, Felix. Why would I mention it if I’d like us to just stare at it from a distance?” 

_Hwang Hyunjin, the sunshine boy with a little bit of sass. Okay, too much sass._

“When are we going to have a normal conversation?” Felix asked, his energy fizzling out from shielding himself from all of Hyunjin’s remarks.

“Maybe when you start giving me love and affection like you do to everybody else. Also, are you going to finish the coffee here or can we go? Because I really wanna go. But it’s fine if you want to finish here. No rush, just asking,” Hyunjin says when Felix finishes his pancakes. 

_Maybe because you’re not like everybody else,_ Felix answers almost immediately in his mind. Which is, kind of absurd, really. He’s thought of it ever since the moment he arrived at home the first day they met, while he was taking in all of the madness that’s going on by himself. But he has always brushed it off, thinking that it might just be from the fact that Hyunjin is technically the person he was with until his last breath. And that sets a difference between him and everybody else, obviously. But now that he's admitted it to himself, he finds no explanation to it. Just that Hyunjin was _different_. 

And what Felix doesn’t realize is that it was in a sense that he has the power of putting Felix back on his feet, of keeping him on track. Not that he has to rely on someone to do that for him. But for all the things we have to do by ourselves, don’t we all get strength from people around us, too?

“Let’s go, Hyunjin. Go buy your fruit tea,” Felix nods towards the counter and he’s about to stand up when he finds himself disgusted about Changbin’s teasing looks, “or whatever.”

“Nah, I already brought this huge container and asked your friend earlier to transfer the fruit tea here. I didn’t want to take any longer after you’re done eating.” Hyunjin struggles to show Felix the bottle he brought while he was being dragged towards the outside of the cafe to escape from Changbin’s interrogations.

“Are you saying I took long enough eating?” Felix nagged, breathy after he had just pulled a fully-grown man, taller than him.

“No, I am just pumped!” Hyunjin hands Felix the coffee he forgot to grab with the biggest smile on his face.

“Oh, you bet I can tell.” 

And maybe today is steering towards a good day for Felix. 

“You see, it’s terribly unfortunate that we were pretty close friends in our predetermined fate and went to wonderful places like this for you to just blatantly hate me. I mean, come on, Felix, this place is really neat. Oh my god! Are those little booths where we could stay and lie down?” Hyunjin muses as he lets his eyes roam around the small but cozy space. He waits for Felix’ nod, as if it’s not enough confirmation that he’s seeing it for himself. And when Felix does, he gets countless slaps on the arms before Hyunjin runs towards it while gasping repeatedly.

“He is such a child sometimes.” Felix shakes his head, not even understanding what the point of Hyunjin’s speech should’ve been. But he finds Hyunjin’s reaction reasonable, especially after Hyunjin told him that he loves libraries but he was always stuck with boring, constricted ones.

“But no, in all seriousness, our friendship really was pure, based on what you’ve dreamt of. Don’t you think it’s time to embrace me as someone important, and not just business, to you?” Hyunjin looks up to Felix, who was still standing in front of him, before taking out sheets of paper for his plates.

Being their stubborn selves, Hyunjin and Felix refused to neglect academic compliance, even on days they were together. Felix finds it relieving that he’s stuck with someone who values learning and doing university stuff as much as he does, even when they already get grades for it. Hyunjin finds it funny that it’s one of the few things they’ve agreed upon. So when they went places, they’d have this laid back time where they just watch each other draw, paint or do whatever they have to do. Sometimes they talk, sometimes they don’t. And Felix has to admit that it distracts him from the internal conflict and uncertainty their situation brings. 

And now that he thinks about it, it brings peace a little too much than necessary that he thinks they’re not trying hard enough.

“Yeah, maybe if you dropped your attitude the first day we met and became approachable and welcoming to me, I would’ve liked you,” Felix provokes, knowing that he’d get an earful from Hyunjin. Because now that he’s diving back to the soft blankets and pillows of the library he hasn’t visited for a long time, he feels his eyelids become heavy from all the crying he’s done. He needs some of Hyunjin’s vitamin noise.

“Excuse me, Felix Lee, I have been nice to you! Why can’t you see it?” 

It has been an ongoing thing— Hyunjin begging Felix to treat him like a normal friend. He sounds like he’s kidding, but he’s honestly frustrated that Felix cannot understand that his acts of kindness are often overlooked by people because of his remarks and Felix has to look past that. Because he may be a mix of unlikeable traits, sure. Be it tactless, sharp-tongued, sarcastic, arrogant, bossy, and everything else they say he’s been. But that’s just him. He can’t do anything about it. Even if they met in their normal lives or even in this fate with just different circumstances, Felix would still encounter the cheeky attitude sooner or later.

_It’s not like I can have everything. I can’t have the good looks, the big brain and the golden heart, all at the same time. The golden heart would have to be hidden. But it’s nowhere deep, he should’ve found it by now!_

And it has been an on-going thing, too— Felix never telling Hyunjin that he’s the one misunderstood between the two of them. Because that’s just how he is when he lets loose, when he gets comfortable around someone. And Hyunjin’s one of a kind for doing that. The problem is not his acceptance of Hyunjin, he’s over that. He’s even fond of the absence of pretense in Hyunjin’s character by now. It’s that he finds a great deal of joy from misleading Hyunjin. So yes, it’s gonna take forever for them to fix their bond.

“What’s there to see?” Felix puts his hand on his forehead as if searching for something. 

“I… don’t even know what to say. I am at a loss for words.” Hyunjin sighed, finding a comfortable position before continuing to work. 

Felix, on the other hand, fills the small space they’re sharing with giggles. And it fades into minutes and minutes of silence. He marvels at how Hyunjin shuts up when he gets too absorbed in what he’s doing. He thinks it’s absolutely enchanting— what one’s passion does. And decides that he absolutely likes seeing it in everyone. Yes, everyone. Not Hyunjin in particular. It suits him. No, _them._

He finds himself bored, eventually. But also kind of like he’s been distracting himself all along. And also in the middle of thinking that his brain has a mind of its own. Wild, he knows. There’s just this disturbing feeling that’s wrapping him, sucking him in. He can’t comprehend any of it. But it poses some kind of danger, telling him to hold himself back, because if he steps over a line it’s going to hurt. And he most definitely doesn’t want anything to do with it.

“Hyunjin?” Felix calls before he spontaneously combusts from the internal stress he’s currently dealing with. And that’s when it clicked.

“Hmm?”

“What if we’re doing this wrong? You know how we’ve only been to happy places like this? It looks like it’s equivalent to happy memories in my dreams. Do you get what I’m saying? If the situation we’re in is bad, maybe what we have to look for are places where it went wrong.” Felix had to ruin the serenity of the atmosphere and it feels like breaking the glass that keeps his anxiety from eating him up. It was that thing he thought about— that they were being a bit too comfortable. It was getting to his head, invading every space it can reach. 

“I’ve thought of that before. And I don’t know about you but it seems like nothing went wrong between the both of us except from the accident. But it’s too late to find out where the location is since we’re a days ahead of the accident. We’d find no trace of it. So I guess we just really have to take chances with places we could’ve been. Maybe it’ll lead us there,” Hyunjin gives his take calmly as always.

Hyunjin makes sure not to sugarcoat anything and instead provide hunches with concrete explanations. The tactic always anchors Felix to the ground. Because although he’s so desperate for definite answers and solutions, he subconsciously knows that assurance is all that he can get. Assurance that they’re getting somewhere. That everything they’re doing isn’t futile. That’s why he takes it over nothing at all.

Hyunjin finds himself relieved when he sees Felix nodding through the sheets he was holding.

“Can I say something?” Felix fiddles with his nails, thinking that he’d probably peel them off if he doesn’t get this out of his chest.

 _You shouldn’t have gone out today, Felix, you’re so emotionally unstable_. Something at the back of his mind scolds him because he’s thought of not leaving his apartment earlier this morning. He always knows beforehand that something will go wrong, but he always finds himself not listening to it, too. And now he’s here, thinking that he couldn’t agree more with the voice inside his head. Once again, his attempt to conquer his emotions was a fucking train wreck. Everything’s a mess. And he’s in the middle of wanting to erase everything he did and said today just because he was a bit too rude, bit too happy, bit too sentimental, bit too everything. But he can’t. He’s already opening up to Hyunjin.

“You already did.” Hyunjin backs out of his opposition as soon as he sees panic take over Felix’ eyes. “I’m kidding! You may proceed.”

“I’m really, really scared. You know, about how we’re never really certain about anything here. About how we don’t even know why we’re doing this and that. About everything,” Felix finally admitted.

This commences the first time he has ever actually shown someone his vulnerable state. And it’s such an entirely weird feeling. It’s insanely liberating. Because at long last, he’s being true to someone else. Not that he’s never been. But now, he’s letting someone in to see all of him. Even the weaknesses that have been in hiding, thriving in the darkness because they stand no chance in the light, where they could be seen and humiliated. And it’s like the feeling of putting down the baggage he’s been carrying. It doesn’t take away the fact that he still has to endure it for a longer time, but it lets him rest. And that alone is somehow enough.

But it’s also insanely limiting his ability to breathe, because there goes the tightening in his chest again. Like confessing the truth behind the lie that he’s been shoving down his throat. The lie that he’s been denying his guilt about. The lie that he’s fine but everything around him is burning down to ashes. But it’s all too damn big of a lump to swallow and ignore. 

And ultimately because he’s not supposed to trust anyone but himself in this state of fragility. Definitely not when he knows he’s going to break anytime soon and it’s going to hurt the both of them.

“If it bothers you that much, I say you just enjoy the moment, Felix. Or better yet, we should just have the time of our lives. I mean, we even got lucky and cheated death. Maybe this is our consequence. But don’t you think it’s a better fate?” Hyunjin tries to change Felix’ perspective to cheer him up. And that one time he doesn’t look up from what he’s doing, he doesn’t see Felix take full offense of what he hears as an insensitive remark.

“That’s easy for you to say, you’ve lived an easy life. I—“

“Don’t go there, Felix,” Hyunjin warns, jaws clenching and fists at the mention of something all too familiar to his ears. 

He loses all sense of explaining his good intentions to Felix. Because he doesn’t ever like where it goes when someone disregards his hard work just because they’re confronted with his wealth. 

He’s always just his parents’ money. He doesn’t blame everyone for seeing something too notable. But he’s always loathed how it’s treated as if it was his sole personality trait, to the point where no one ever tried to know him outside of it. He doesn’t even flaunt the riches they own, doesn’t ever rub in someone else’s face. In fact, he had to earn all those and wasn't just spoiled with everything. Tell his attitude off or whatever, that was part of building a name for himself to get away from the classic stigma of being just _the_ rich boy, anyway. But never discredit his efforts in the pursuit for learning, for bettering himself in the field he’s best at. Because that’s not a fucking piece of cake.

“I had to earn a living despite all this shit while you’re out here looking like this is just a fun pastime for you! I can barely go through life anymore, Hyunjin. The only thing that keeps me going is that I’m pushing forwards, crawling to prove myself to the world! What more torture do I have to put myself in by reliving all the times I fell down?” Felix was yelling, but he found his voice faltering at the last sentence. And there goes anger and sadness being interchangeable in his brain again.

Of course his rage sounds irrational. Every emotion he’s gone through today feels superficial, honestly. But as his vision blurs with tears threatening to paint his face the shade of blue, he realizes that among the statements that provoked Felix, the one that hurt the most was Hyunjin saying that they should just accept whatever this is. Because to be frank? That’s probably what Felix is going to do if Hyunjin didn’t show up and tell him all about the fate they’re trapped in.

Hyunjin has been nothing but incredibly and unbelievably smart that it made Felix crave to go back home to his normal life. That it made Felix want to try harder for himself, his dreams, his Mom. Because now that Hyunjin’s there, he has a chance. They have a chance. But now that he’s practically telling him to give up, it feels like being stripped away of the hope he’s been tilling inside of him. Just because what? Hyunjin reeks of privilege and he can settle with anything and everything because he’s bored of life anyway? How about him? Where is he supposed to hold on now that Hyunjin’s letting go?

“So are you suggesting we should burn ourselves out trying to solve this until we go back to the day we were born? Because we don’t know how this goes anyway. Just sulk in a corner forever, is that it?” Hyunjin spoke through a calm voice, eyes still glued to what he was doing. He absolutely knows how to tick someone off, and this was one of it. Felix wants to be petty, then so be it. He’s gonna act like he doesn’t give a shit when Felix is demanding attention.

“No, I’m not implying any of that. I’m pointing out that we should find a way out of this mess. And that you should get rid of your attitude of just letting things be! Because we won’t need any of it! Not everyone has lived a life they’re satisfied with yet, Hyunjin. Not everyone is satisfied with themselves yet.” Felix runs a hand through his face, defeated because Hyunjin doesn’t even meet his eyes, doesn’t even look at him. Because if he does maybe the thought of apologizing will cross Felix’ mind for a split second. 

_But no! He decides to be a complete jerk, tuning out words that don't please his ears!_

“Well I hate to break it to you, but we can’t get out, can we? Besides, stop moping around. We have a lot of time left to figure this out and go back to our normal lives before, I don’t know, we just cease to exist.” Hyunjin feels his anger flicker when Felix suddenly bawls his eyes out in a loud cry that now, Hyunjin wants to bring the argument to a slow resolve. “Let’s cut this shit out.”

_Time. What a fucking joke. I thought I had that, too. At least a decent amount of it. But I was gone for just a few hours and boom… I was already late._

Felix lets out a bitter laugh, thinking that Hyunjin wasn’t any different from everyone after all.

“Time is a fucking construct. And you’ll end up with none of it if you let your guard down. You don’t know what you’ll lose the next second, Hyunjin. You don’t fucking know!” Felix storms out, meeting the uneasy glances of everyone in the library who didn’t have the courage to step into their fight. 

Hyunjin doesn’t chase after him. However, he does realize that Felix wouldn’t have any means to make it back to his shift in the cafe. But it was a little too late. Not knowing what’s in Felix’ mind right now, he decides that waiting for him in the library is the best thing to do. It’d give him and Felix the space they need. Plus, he’d save the effort of restlessly looking for him around the neighborhood. He’d probably come around when he’s fine.

And maybe at this point, you’re picking sides based on your own principles or trying to understand both but still end up leaning towards one of them.

Maybe it hurts more for Felix because he just wants Hyunjin to let him have his time to heal, even when that’ll include sitting through his countless questions and moments of self-doubt and self-pity, and not push him to be happy all the time. Because you can’t really force yourself to do that, can you? But he’d want to continue with whatever they have to do, no need to throw everything away. He just needs a slowed down repair from all the fast demands of the world, even whenever it’s just the two of them. He deserves it, anyway. Right? 

Maybe it hurts more for Hyunjin because he’s well aware that Felix has had it harder but just because he did, doesn’t mean Hyunjin didn’t have it hard. That for once, he thought, maybe someone would sympathize with him because they’ve had bigger wounds themselves. Turns out, it was just a device to belittle his even more. 

Or because both of them were expecting the other to understand that they’d _never_ understand. That they’re just in dire need of someone who’d hear them out with patient ears, absence of judgment, and above all, the intent to stay. But they can’t even be the person they’re looking for. And that is something they both have to learn more in the long run.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short updates for now!! i’ll save the longer updates for the ones that give headaches :D 
> 
> anyways, thank you for making it this far !!! i hope u all still enjoy reading


	5. a fresh gust of change

**_binnie-hyung best hyung ^__^_ **

_lix can u come before opening_

_or at least early_

_or at the very least right after u wake up?_

_please :((_

Felix immediately makes a run for the cafe after reading the text, bringing his uniform just in case he’s gonna have to report to work since Changbin didn’t really specify anything. 

Normally, he doesn’t like this much speed. The world already gives him headaches for not freezing at his command when he’s too tired to cope with everything that comes with its fast tempo. So he’s a sucker for listening to music on the bus, looking out the window on a rainy day, leisure walks on the way to work and all those things that seem to put him under the pretense that he’s in a sedated version of the world. But today he matches its pace, even when he still has ample time left before business hours start. Because he doesn’t want to wallow in the sadness that keeps on knocking, banging on the door of his heavy heart. He knows all too well where entertaining his emotions goes.

All the running seems to be paying off because he’s not thinking of what just unfolded in his dream. He’s not thinking of what hypothesis Hyunjin would be forming from what he could have narrated. He’s not thinking of Hyunjin and if he’ll ever see him again. He’s really fucking _not_.

Just then, a car dashes in front of him, makes a stop and goes back to where Felix was standing. He purses his lips into a thin line and closes his eyes, cursing himself for trying to get Hyunjin out of his head too hard that he has summoned him, right then and there.

Not that he was complaining, no. In fact, he’s lost all self-control and is about to burst with so much glee from what’s happening right now. Or rather, who’s appearing before his sight right now. It’s just that he doesn’t want to admit that he’s been harboring Hyunjin-filled thoughts ever since that morning. 

Ever since he left Hyunjin at the library yesterday, actually. There isn’t a single second that went by without him thinking if Hyunjin still genuinely enjoyed his time there even after Felix ruined his day with all the drama.

“Where are you going?” Felix greeted with a bright tone as Hyunjin stepped out of the car, losing all composure to gauge the atmosphere between them first.

Hyunjin, of course, was confused. After hours and hours of renouncing his fault in their quarrel, he eventually realized that both of them were inconsiderate of each other’s personal problems. But he had to add fuel to the fire by ridiculing Felix’ feelings when the other was just correcting him. And that the reason he can’t leave the library is that he’s secretly waiting for Felix to tell Hyunjin that he’s fine with seeing him again and from there Hyunjin can make up to him. 

Or maybe that’s just him being a coward in saying things that matter because he’s afraid of the consequences of his actions. 

So naturally, he didn’t expect Felix to stop in his tracks and flash him one of the kindest expressions he’s seen from him ever since they’ve known each other. 

“Oh, I was supposed to go to the cafe,” Hyunjin gestures towards the direction both of them were heading to, “to see you.”

“I don’t have a shift today, remember?” Felix giggles as even more bewilderment falls into Hyunjin’s face. 

“Oh… really? Then why… here… are you… you…” Hyunjin stutters, alternatingly pointing to Felix, himself, the ground and the direction of the cafe. 

The realization hits a bit too late— he was so insistent on seeing Felix that he forgot all about his schedule. It didn’t occur to him earlier that morning that they’re supposed to meet on alternate days, too. You may say it’s coincidence. Maybe destiny. But Hyunjin’s almost sure that something new is stirring in this unfortunate fate they’re stuck with.

“Changbin-hyung called me in. I don’t exactly know what for. Speaking of that, I have to go.” Felix starts running, his torso facing Hyunjin to repetitively wave his hands to bid goodbye. “I’ll catch you later!”

 _Or maybe not. Just natural circumstances, huh?_ Hyunjin relaxes his suspicions. That’s not his main concern right now, anyway.

“Lix, wait!” Felix halts at the mention of a nickname Hyunjin hasn’t ever called him and likes the way it rolls off Hyunjin’s tongue. “Just in case you’re making an excuse to not see me and you’re not going to return, I wanted to say that I’m sorry.”

Felix’ eyes glisten with such unfamiliar emotions from Hyunjin’s sincerity. He honestly welcomed this brand new day as a restart. Though the remnants of remorse over his fight with Hyunjin doesn’t fade, he has deleted all the bad feelings of yesterday that came off from not starting the day right. Not that he was blaming his past, and more so, his Mom, for putting him in a constant cycle of pain that he wants it out of his life. It’s just that he can’t move on yet and he’s still on his way to turning everything as motivation and inspiration instead of something to bring him down.

And he knows that in reality, no one likes a work in progress just yet. So he has marked today as the day Hyunjin would probably leave him, not wanting anything to do with the emotional mess that he still is. Yes, he prepared himself for it. He had inserted a five-minute pep talk in between rushing to meet Changbin’s early morning call. He was going to accept whatever Hyunjin decides to do, planting no hard feelings or false hopes of him returning in the process. 

So Hyunjin coming to see him and apologizing, at that, makes him beam a bit brighter than he intends to. Not because he was glad Hyunjin acknowledged his mistakes. Not because he was indulging at the validation his feelings get from the apology. But just because Hyunjin was here when he thought he wouldn’t be. 

“Save that for when we talk later, okay? Wait for me in your car?” Felix makes a full stop to let Hyunjin know that he wasn’t going anywhere. And that if anything, Hyunjin should be the one fleeing.

“I’ll be at the park,” Hyunjin says, remembering the place that quite piqued his interest when he took a reroute today, for the first time.

“I like your idea.” Felix snaps his fingers and points to Hyunjin, giving him the look of approval. Hyunjin then gives Felix a nod, which he takes as a signal that he can now attend to whatever business he’s there for. 

And as Felix turns the corner, past the counter, to enter the back of the cafe where Changbin usually was, he takes notice of a feeling that there was something meaningful in Hyunjin’s gaze, in his nod. It flutters in his stomach, dwells and nestles that he’s almost ticklish. That he’s about to send his head into astral orbit because he’s so damn confused. Because, really, it wasn’t anything like that. It was just a normal, everyday look. So he shrugs it off as him seeing strange things. Maybe it was just his imagination.

“Hi, hyung! I’m here!”

“Oh, you’re here.” Changbin looks at Felix with concern, then back to his phone with much more concern. He does it a concerning amount of times, emotions heightening with every glance.

_What’s up with people today?_

“Is… everything alright?” Felix asks, breaking Changbin out of his trance.

“You see, I realized that I have no reason for asking you to come here. And just now, I was typing a text, telling you to ignore the previous ones in hopes that you’re still asleep or something,” Changbin explains, confusion written all over his face. He gives a piercing stare at Felix, as if asking him for help as to why this was happening to him.

Felix finds it weird, but he’s not surprised after everything shocking that has unveiled before his sight in this fate. Maybe Changbin just forgot about it. Maybe it’s a fucking glitch in the matrix. Who knows? Besides the fact that he won’t be able to figure it out with his pea-sized brain, it’s really not something he should meddle with. He doesn’t want to be any more of a problem to Hyunjin if this turns out to be another complication.

“So… should I be off now?” Felix points to the door, his feet aching to leave. He was kind of in a hurry, though he’s not really sure why.

“Whatever you want, Felix. You can leave, you can stay. But I’m sorry for putting you through all this trouble,” Changbin apologizes. He runs a hand through his hair and sighs before giving Felix a small smile.

“It’s fine, hyung. Don’t stress yourself about it. I’ll see you tomorrow!” Felix returns the smile, a bit bigger than Changbin’s, before hopping his way out of the cafe. 

As if he didn’t loathe all the running and sweating he did a few minutes back, he eventually sprints towards the playground at the park. Because he’s betting his entire life Hyunjin went straight to that section the second he set foot on the place. 

And his intuition doesn’t betray him when he sees Hyunjin sitting on top of the monkey bars, admiring the rustling of footsteps and the chirping of birds with closed eyes as if he was in some kind of fairytale. Judging from how he looks, Felix guesses it was Hyunjin’s first time climbing the monkey bars. So he lets Hyunjin have his moment while Felix basks in serenity as he takes his time watching how the wind blows on Hyunjin’s hair so gracefully. 

“I’m sorry,” Felix began once he’s seated next to Hyunjin.

“Why are you fucking apologizing too? You’re making me feel even worse,” Hyunjin whines, not even bothering to check if it was some stranger mistaking him for someone else. Felix chuckles at his confidence in recognizing Felix’ voice with just two words.

“Just because we wouldn’t have fought if I didn’t lash out on you.” Felix swings his dangling feet, looking down to feel like he has the world under his command again.

“But that doesn’t excuse how I handled the situation with immaturity,” Hyunjin retorts, not liking the sound of Felix blaming himself for the wrong both of them had done. He finally opens his eyes, leaning down to check the expression that makes Felix stoop his head too low.

“This doesn’t excuse my behavior. But I just wanted to let you know that I thought about it and it wasn’t because of something you said. It was because I was taking my bad day out on you. You know, all that improper handling of dangerous emotions.” 

“I should’ve known better, then. I kind of sensed it when we were at the cafe.” Hyunjin feels a lightbulb moment kicking in. _Literally._ Because it doesn’t give him a revolutionary idea of some sort. It kicks him right in the gut because he’s just realizing that he read Felix’ emotions early on, only to discard it a few hours later.

“You did?” Felix feels his ears perk up at what Hyunjin just said that he looks up to meet his eyes.

“Yeah,” Hyunjin confirmed, almost as a sigh, as he’s suddenly overwhelmed by their proximity and by the surge of indecipherable emotions that make Felix’ eyes sparkle.

“That’s new,” Felix mumbles as he looks away. Not because of the awkwardness brought by the narrow space, no. But because of something he thinks he has heard for the first time.

Felix was well aware that Hyunjin caught him at his worst state, which is enough for him to connect the dots that Felix was, definitely, under the case of a bad day. But the thing is, it hasn’t settled to him, not until now, at least, that he had let Hyunjin see his worst state. It becomes clear that he’s scarily getting a bit too close to Hyunjin. 

To the point that he had Felix figured out even before he was at the peak of his emotions. 

It could be Hyunjin just being crazy observant. Maybe he’s doing witchcraft and all that magic stuff where you can look into the mind of someone else. Or it could just be a trick that comes with the time traveling, making him feel a tinge of familiarity towards Hyunjin since they should be close to each other by now in their normal lives. Felix could make a thousand excuses to save himself from the reality biting him on the neck. But it all boils down to the undeniable truth that Felix does an unusual easing of the barriers he has built whenever he’s around Hyunjin. 

Because no one has ever spotted him feeling the least bit out of it. That’s how high he has built his walls. But now he’s letting it lie low without Hyunjin having to smash them down. Almost as if he’s making a home around him now. He’s becoming emotionally invested again and this time, he’s not so sure where it’s headed.

“I suppose it was a bad day, too. That day you wanted to fast forward to your death day?” Hyunjin brings up, still unsure if he has the right to ask about something that has long kept him tossing and turning in bed. For all he knows, it could’ve been a half-meant joke. But what bothers him at night is the question: _what made him want it to happen, even half-heartedly, when he’s so afraid of death?_

Unbeknownst to Felix, this is how Hyunjin gets to him— by being flawed, but perfect in ways he doesn’t expect. By being the person that proves his notions of the world wrong. 

Because he’s letting it slide again— Hyunjin’s attempt to access the crevasses of his soul. All because Hyunjin sets a difference with the way he doesn’t mock Felix’ use of the term _bad day._ Unlike how Felix thought everyone would just be quick to dismiss his problems because they don’t see or go through the mental anguish that puts him in shackles of torture.

“You have an idea of how insecure I get with my art, right?” Felix starts, biting his lips as his mind displays a big warning sign whenever he blinks for a split second. But he has to do this. He has to get over this dread that everyone will eventually judge, betray or leave him. After all, he has Hyunjin to trust, right?

“Yeah.” Hyunjin replies blandly that Felix furrows his brows and stares at him keenly. “What?”

“Well, I’m just kind of not used to getting a short reply from you. So I guess I was kinda weirded out. Reminds me of the time you presented me your cold attitude the first time we met.” Felix looked down, staring at his palms.

With Hyunjin’s ability to contradict whatever Felix says and incapability to stop stretching out his words every chance he gets in between the storytelling, Felix thought this would’ve been easy. Because even though they go in circles before they get to the point, even though it drains Felix’ energy, it ironically recharges him. And as much as he rolls his eyes at Hyunjin’s antics, it puts a smile on his face, too. But now, he’s just terrified of the silence Hyunjin was giving him. 

“What do you mean? Am I not always like that?” Hyunjin fixes his gaze on the cloud, letting Felix’ words sink in. But also because he’s bummed of Felix’ habit of looking down because he can’t see right through him.

“Always like what?” Felix turns his head, just slightly, to observe Hyunjin’s features against the view of the park discreetly.

“Cold?”

“No, stupid bitch. You’re the most talkative person I know!” Felix objected, destroying the tension lingering in the air. 

_Hwang Hyunjin? Cold? Pft, you’ve got to be kidding me,_ Felix laughs in disbelief. He thinks Hyunjin’s being delusional and having too much fantasies about his default upfront when he can’t even stand it for long. He always gives in to that attitude that sort of makes Felix feel like they’ve known each other for ages. Laid back or easygoing, maybe. But not cold. Hyunjin was the opposite of that.

“I see.” Hyunjin nods with a straight face, not even snapping at Felix’ disagreement. Not even noticing Felix not taking his eyes off of him. 

Because Felix is not the only one seeing a bit of a contrast within himself between the two of them, is not the only one feeling dangerously more like himself around the other. 

Hyunjin was always branded as stand-offish. Though, he thinks it’s just that his affection recoils because everyone else distances themselves because they’re intimidated of his intelligence, his wealth and all those other excuses that he thinks are stupid. He has mixed feelings over it. But more often than not, he’s proud of it because he doesn’t get stepped on. At least, not in his face. It’s a personality trait outside of his money, too. Well, technically still attached to it, but this one takes his knowledge into account.

But Felix makes him feel otherwise. Felix sees him otherwise. And that’s… a fresh gust of change.

“You’re creeping me out.” Felix flicks the side of Hyunjin’s forehead when he didn’t get the response he was expecting. Hyunjin looks at him, mouth agape.

“Hey, I thought you always get to the point? I was shutting my mouth up to give you your time to shine,” Hyunjin explains himself violently by attacking Felix with the same move. 

Felix rolls his eyes with a smile, finding the strength to continue his story now that he’s not frantic because he’s got his Hyunjin back.

“I have this professor who critiques our work as if he’s being paid to make us feel like trash. Or maybe… that’s just me feeling offended and hurt over him calling my art plain and common. But you know... I would’ve been okay if he got critical and examined my work properly instead of just… throwing a glance as if it’s not even worth his time and advice. 

“But then it gets worse… I ate lunch with a friend that day. I’m sure you know all about the buying food thing for me. So there I was, torn between… pitying myself over him buying me food and scolding myself over being ungrateful for his kindness. Then it gets even worse when he tells me that our professor was right about his comment. It was like... a shot through the heart... I kid you not. 

“Then the day progresses with my shift at the cafe and more encounters with the problems that come with finances. But I got my cinnamon rolls and if I knew at that moment that that was the only good thing I’d get that day, then I would’ve cradled it in my arms while crying. Because I was supposed to see someone that day. It was my last string of hope to at least end my birthday on a good note. But I couldn’t. Just because of the fucking rain.”

Felix finished, pausing and sighing every now and then to have an internal check if he can still manage to be that raw in front of someone that wasn’t himself. He eventually rambles towards the end as he feels something constricting his airways, the memories of how hollow that night felt haunting him. But Hyunjin doesn’t ever interrupt him or force him to go on.

“And?” Hyunjin does, however, think Felix described what happened but unspoken feelings of that day are still hanging by his throat. And he needs to get it out. Not for Hyunjin, of course. But for himself, so he could get his closure from that day. 

“What do you mean _and?_ Aren’t you even gonna react?” Felix complains after hoping that after everything he just said he’ll get comforting words or clapbacks for whoever made him feel like shit that day. Anything that would distract him from his emotions.

“Is there still something you wanna get out of your chest?” Hyunjin prompts because he doesn’t want to push it if Felix isn’t ready yet. 

He sees Felix inhale sharply, the act making his eyes glassy. But his tears don't fall, illuminating his eyes with a dim glow and reflecting the pain he’s inflicted with. Not the type that brings heavy storms that leave him in damage. But the kind that stays and prolongs the torment he’s feeling.

“And… and… I’m sorry. I still blame myself for you being dragged here because we can’t find any other reason. And I know, I know… when you apologize you shouldn’t have any excuses. But Hyunjin, I was just tired that day because every damn thing in this universe just goes against me. I felt unfair and sad and empty and lonely. Just… I don’t know. I’m sorry. Now that I think about it, it is kinda petty.”

Though he was glad Felix expressed what he felt, Hyunjin definitely didn’t expect another apology. He doesn’t need it. Not when he meticulously explained to Felix countless times that the reason why Hyunjin is in this fate may be unknown, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist and he can just pinpoint himself as the suspect. 

So with that, he flicks Felix’ forehead again.

“Learn your lesson.”

“What was that for? What _lesson?_ ” Felix rubs his forehead as he glares at Hyunjin with indignation.

“One, that it wasn’t your fault. And two, even a fucking finger flick hurts, Felix. Even when it’s momentarily, even when it’s just a sting, it’s still pain. You shouldn’t overlook something that hurts. Besides, you said it was your birthday. Birthdays should make you feel thankful for being alive, right? The universe is sick for making you feel the other way around.” 

Felix smiles at Hyunjin, grateful for Hyunjin’s talent with words. It doesn’t fix him, that’s something that he has to do himself. But it makes him feel better, until he can do just that.

Hyunjin offers his arms wide open after seconds of reflective silence, initiating the first hug of their friendship. Felix humbly obliged by being the first one to wrap his arms around the other’s body. He even tightens his grip, absolutely liking his stay there. Absolutely liking Hyunjin’s stay in his life. Because even though he was brought by a disastrous fate, he comes with freebies of warm hugs in the numbing weather.

“I still don’t think violence was needed in this narrative,” Felix jokes, still clinging on Hyunjin. And all of a sudden, he was rocking on an unstable position after Hyunjin had pushed him away. He doesn’t give up on laughing to annoy Hyunjin, though.

“I get paid dust in this household.” Hyunjin brushes a stray hair dramatically with one hand to steady Felix’ arm with the other.

“But seriously, thanks.” Felix pats Hyunjin’s shoulder, soon resting his hand there to assist himself in facing Hyunjin completely to give him a warning. “Keep in mind that you’re the only one who knows about my birthday. Don’t ever speak of it.”

“Why?” Hyunjin gives a flat reaction, not knowing if Felix just doesn’t want to draw attention and likes to celebrate in solitude or if there’s more to it. Regardless, he’s still itching to know.

“It’s not something to be celebrated,” Felix vaguely answered, wanting to cut the conversation there.

“You wanna talk about it?”

“Oh, no, I’ve had enough of the talking today.” Felix laughs it off, implying that it was Hyunjin’s turn to take over since that was his expertise. Because if he doesn’t stop and Hyunjin sweeps him off his feet again, he might just share his earliest memories of his life story.

“Okay. So not today?” Hyunjin confirms, suggesting that he was begging Felix to tell him some other time in the future. Felix flashes a fond smile and a subtle nod to let Hyunjin know that he will.

“I’ll have you know that I don’t open up about my life. Though I am quite sociable, I think you’re the first one I told about how a tragic day in my life went,” Felix confided, not removing his eyes off of Hyunjin to let him know that he’s special for being that person.

“You’re sociable?” Hyunjin teases, though he must say, he’s honored to have the privilege of being included on Felix’ list of firsts. 

“I hate you.”

“Why did you think I was worthy then?” Hyunjin raises his eyebrows in a cocky fashion. Because he knows that the only way to get Felix to answer seriously is through pushing him to the edge with a bit of bickering.

But elaborately because his emotions were never a driving force that takes him places in life. It was always him and the logical reasonings behind his conclusions that lead him to the doorstep of his decisions. So he has only been in touch with his emotions in the shallows, in belief that life isn’t as enjoyable and free-flowing when you get caught up with it. 

But he doesn’t judge when people let figments of chemicals in their brain steer them towards their own paths. He doesn’t deprive himself from being extremely excited over little things, too. In fact, he thinks he does that often. Just that, he doesn’t think deep into it.

But right now, he’s questioning if he’s ever really known himself because this soft feeling is growing on him. And he was sure it’s melting his heartbeat to a mellow rhythm. But he was willing to treasure it for a long long time. All from the way Felix trusts him. So of course he has to know why.

“I don’t know. Because you’re technically a stranger in my life. And if you are, that means you wouldn’t care. And if you wouldn’t, you would pay absolutely no shit about what I told you,” Felix emphasized. Little does Hyunjin know, Felix is turning him down by riding on what Hyunjin thinks is a sneaky technique. 

He should have his revenge from Hyunjin’s slick way of getting to his good side, shouldn’t he?

“You and I both know that I’m not a stranger. We’ve established that both here and in our normal lives. Here, being that we’ve done a lot together. Come on, we literally hugged! In our normal lives, being that we were even together on the night of my birthday. Isn’t that enough proof for you?” Hyunjin shakes both of Felix’ shoulders. And Felix wouldn’t absolutely bother falling face flat onto the ground because as expected he gets riled up.

“Wait, really? You haven’t told me that was your birthday,” Felix interjects after it clicks that the only dream he had which was set at night was their accident. He thinks it was a spot-on realization to get Hyunjin worked up even more.

“Hey, don’t ignore me. Give me a proper answer.” Hyunjin slaps Felix’ thigh sharply that Felix swats his hand away on impulse. He grabs it almost instantly so he could squeeze and twist it in return.

 _I can’t believe our banters had gone down to physical fighting,_ Felix thinks as he watches Hyunjin twisting and crouching in excruciating pain.

“You’re demanding a friendship when you didn’t even tell me that I died on your birthday?” Felix continued. He doesn’t give up on his agenda, even when it dawns on him a bit too late that the context of what he was saying was something that gives him chills up to this day.

“Felix.” Hyunjin warns, pressing Felix’ hand to stop him from deflecting the topic at hand. But also because he feels Felix loosen his avenging grip from the careless use of a word that never fails to get to him.

“Whatever, I just think you deserve hearing my sentiments. I haven’t shown you the sunshine boy everyone thinks I am. So it's easier for you to understand that I have problems, too, and not just everyone's go-to ray of light.” Felix throws Hyunjin’s hand away as he shares a personal thing yet again. 

And now that he’s revisiting his doubts all over again, he takes notice of how swift it came to a close just with Hyunjin’s words earlier. Felix refuses to believe that Hyunjin has no emotional manipulation powers. 

“Oh.”

Meanwhile, Hyunjin is convinced Felix has implanted an emotional compass in his head to mess with him.

“What?” Felix grumbled, when Hyunjin zones out for a minute or two. He worries if Hyunjin was okay and if he said something that could’ve triggered something. But he also panics in the process, not knowing what was going on Hyunjin’s head.

Apparently, he’s currently filled with emotions he couldn’t name because he can’t even tell them apart. Because Hyunjin’s stuck, trying to decode what every single piece of information in Felix’ last statement meant. 

It sounded like it’s supposed to uplift him. And it does. It really _really_ does. This was Felix’ first time letting his secrets wander out in the open. And this was Hyunjin’s first time being a confidant. Those alone were enough to spark the circuits in his brain to create a beautiful array of colors in a burst of fireworks. Because he’s thankful for what Felix sees in him.

But really, he can’t help but wonder why Felix doesn’t show him the beaming attitude. He can’t help but be envious of those who’ve seen it, too. He’s certain now that the reason isn’t because Felix hates him. Because Felix doesn’t hate him. He knows that people can have dimensions to their personalities, too, and it’s their choice which one to put into play depending on the people they’re with. He thinks that it could be an overgrown mask that Felix won’t be able to remove now that it’s too late. Because that’s all everyone has seen and will see. And for all Hyunjin knows, he could be Felix’ well-needed reset. 

_Ah, I’m confusing myself._ And to sum up the debate going on in his head, he just wants to see happiness flash in Felix’ eyes along with all the emotions that he has seen and already adores.

“I really don’t know what that’s supposed to mean. But I think you’re more than that. I can’t believe that’s all they see in you,” Hyunjin complimented, though with a frown. He’s still taken aback by the wave of feelings that washed ashore.

“Uh… thanks?” Felix replies, unsure of what to make of Hyunjin’s comment because his facial expressions and words don’t exactly match. He doesn’t know what it means, either. So naturally, he wouldn’t give an actual reply.

Hyunjin saves the day with an idea. Well, more of a dual purpose plan disguised as a random craving.

“Do you wanna grab some ice cream?”

Felix was staring at a streetlight across the road while waiting for Hyunjin, who was in line to order their ice cream. He was tapping his fingers on the table while biting the skin off his lips, sucking on the blood that comes out when he does it a bit too roughly.

He was having second thoughts about the conversation he and Hyunjin had earlier. Of course, he can’t entirely escape the demons that deceive him into falling in a blackhole of his self-destructive thoughts. Because he’s agonizing over the fact that Hyunjin didn’t even get through the entire celebration of his birthday in their normal lives. And he might not be able to if their situation gets even messier.

Long story short, he’s blaming himself again as he’s scrolling through probable reasons for Hyunjin to leave him. Because there goes the constant fear again— that maybe Hyunjin’s inhaling a bit too much of him in such a short period of time that he might get sick of being high. That maybe when Hyunjin decides to leave him for some reason, Felix would be left with nothing of himself, just the ghosts of Hyunjin’s traces.

And he’s not ready for it. He’ll never be. 

Hyunjin, on the other hand, was struggling to balance two cups of ice cream on one hand and a cone on the other. It doesn’t help that Felix doesn’t come to his aid because he doesn’t even notice Hyunjin’s suffering. But he makes it to the table without compromising the ice cream’s lives. Felix still doesn’t acknowledge his presence, though.

 _Is that fucking blood I see?_ Hyunjin asks as he sees Felix’ pale lips with scarlet red patches. He sort of panics. So he places the two cups of ice cream on the table, swipes a scoop of it on Felix’ lips and puts it in Felix’ mouth. He supposes it eases the pain. Well, he doesn’t know for sure but it’s better than anything.

“I’m sorry.” Hyunjin hands one cup while Felix was still wide-eyed at what Hyunjin did.

“I’m sorry for what?” Felix slurs then proceeds to remove the spoon from his mouth.

“And belated birthday.” Hyunjin ignores Felix to emphasize the meaning of the two cups of ice cream he’s gifting to Felix. “I wish you all the happiness in the world, Lix.”

Felix gasps after he has processed what Hyunjin meant. And he thinks he has taken in a bit too much of oxygen because it’s condensing into unwanted tears. Yes, _unwanted._ He doesn’t want to show Hyunjin that he is absolutely moved at the simple gesture. He doesn’t want to show Hyunjin that he is absolutely fascinated at the way he came about, busting his internal breakdown, just at the right moment. Because he’s never gonna hear the end of Hyunjin bragging about how he made Felix weep, in the first weeks of their friendship, with ice cream and a birthday greeting.

 _But it was the sweetest and most beautiful birthday greeting, okay?_ Felix contradicts the sane side of his brain that keeps him intact and not mindlessly crying over everything. But he reminds himself that he wouldn’t like salty ice cream. Only if he did then he would’ve let himself cry a river like a fucking baby while digging in.

“I told you I don’t like people buying things for me. And it’s cold outside. You secretly want me dead, don’t you?” Felix pretends to be angry to hold back the overwhelming joy he’s feeling right now. He gives himself away eventually, sniffling while playfully crushing the bits of strawberries with his spoon.

“Sure, kid. Believe what you want to believe.” Hyunjin licks his ice cream loudly in sarcasm. He strips the tissue away from the cone and gives it to Felix. “That may have crumbs but it’s still clean.”

“I know, I’m not picky.” Felix snatches it from Hyunjin and wipes away the few tears that fell. “Thanks. And belated happy birthday, too, Hyunjin. I don’t know if you’re going through something. But you look happy to me. I wish you’d stay like that.”

“Oh, you bet I will,” Hyunjin boasts, receiving the crumpled tissue Felix threw at his face.

“But I don’t have any presents.” Felix pouts, realizing that Hyunjin has been laying the groundwork of doing so many things for him. But he’s all just appreciation without actually getting the work done.

Hyunjin ruffles Felix’ hair after finding it irresistible to do so when Felix thinks Hyunjin was expecting something in return. When Hyunjin thinks Felix’ birthday greeting was sufficient to make his heart warm in their stupid choice of eating something cold in the progressively freezing weather just to fulfill their unfinished trip from yesterday.

“You don’t have to do that.”

“You best believe I’m giving you one tomorrow,” Felix declared, as if he’s asserting dominance. But really, he just doesn’t want Hyunjin to disagree just because of his financial instability having a competition with his emotional state.

“No rush, Felix, okay? Plus, we won’t see each other within, I think, three days. I’ll be out catching up with some site visits for a project we’re doing. It’s not required in our situation but, you know, learning?” Hyunjin said, almost like he’s asking for Felix’ permission.

Well, Felix thinks it’s a shame. But he understands that their passion comes before everything else.

“I know.” Felix nods. He notices how Hyunjin bites his mint chocolate ice cream and throws him a look of disgust. Hyunjin catches on and chomps down his dessert even further. Felix thinks that should be a crime— the flavor and the way he’s eating it.

“So enjoy your freedom from me.” Hyunjin flicks a stray hair sassily while licking the sugary liquid sticking to the edges of his lips because of the mess he made. And there goes his success in making Felix shiver in even more disgust.

Just after their little dramatic skit, Felix was startled by his own alarm that began amplifying through the thankfully empty place. Because again, business goes bad for ice cream parlors during winter but these two are lunatics. 

He picks it up from the table to double check the time, as if accusing the alarm of ringing a little too early than it should have. But really, he just doesn’t want to leave because he has not finished eating his ice cream yet. And he doesn’t want Hyunjin to be left alone again. But he’s not admitting to that last part.

“I have to go.” Felix shows his screen to Hyunjin after he has witnessed the other’s sad attempt of peering at Felix’ phone, hitting his torso as he leans across the table. It displays a _get up, Felix, we have a little adventure today_ as a reminder that he has set yesterday, just in case he’s slept in for too long.

“You have somewhere to be?” Hyunjin clarifies, hoping that Felix would tell him where it is and that he could tag along.

“Inspirations for a themed exhibit. It’s somewhere far,” Felix answers in a muffled voice as he’s rushing to down at least a cup of his ice cream. 

“I can take you there,” Hyunjin volunteered almost immediately. Felix shakes his head while cleaning his side of the table and fixing his stuff. He slides the other cup towards Hyunjin’s direction, thinking that it would be better for Hyunjin to have it than wasting it while traveling with all the things he’s carrying.

“It’s fine. I need my _me_ time.”

“Oh, okay. Got you.” Hyunjin snaps his fingers and points to Felix, completely understanding how that feels. 

He dips the spoon into the dessert, just when Felix decides he wants to have at least a taste of his bubblegum ice cream. So he grabs Hyunjin’s wrist and puts the spoon he’s holding inside his mouth. Then he bolts out of the place before he hears Hyunjin’s complaints. 

He turns around a minute later, remembering the most important thing he should’ve brought up to Hyunjin the second he saw him. Well, his brain sorts priorities a lot fucked up than it should.

“Oh my god, Hyunjin, I almost forgot to tell you!” Felix announces his entrance by almost breaking the door, making Hyunjin jump from his seat.

“You scared the hell out of me.” Hyunjin slides the ice cream back to Felix as the other drags his chair as close as possible to Hyunjin.

“I had a dream of the accident again and we didn’t just get ran over by a vehicle. We were arguing so you were unfocused, too! But I don’t really understand what it was about. It was just muffled voices,” Felix narrates with a mix of seriousness and excitement. How that works, he doesn’t know.

“That means we were arguing about a topic different from the one we had yesterday. This may be our biggest clue as to why this happened to us!” Hyunjin does the contagious voice of seriousness and excitement, too, but eventually breathes out an exasperated sigh. “But, Felix, please. This is a sign from the heavens that we shouldn’t fight ever again. At least not anything serious. We don’t want the accident to actually happen, do we? And I really don’t like how burdening it feels. I propose we do that thing I did earlier. The pressing the hand thing when we really can’t avoid getting mad at each other. Just so the anger could die down and the other would understand that they’re being a bit too much.”

“Okay,” Felix agrees, standing up now that he’s served his purpose. And now that Hyunjin’s luring him in with the talking again.

“Okay?” Hyunjin repeats, wanting to hold Felix back. _Because that’s it? He’s already taking an abrupt leave?_

“I said okay! You’re delaying my leave.” Felix jokingly presses Hyunjin’s hand.

“You’re so impatient, I hate you. Go away!” Hyunjin slaps Felix’ hand. But eventually, his own hand finds itself aggressively waving goodbye while Felix is walking away.

And just like that, the rest of the day goes well for the both of them. Except, on his ride home in the subway that night, Felix encounters a guy for the first time, not knowing what’s in store for him. Not knowing that this stranger is about to change his perspective about this fate. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> reminder that im thankful for all of u who read my work :((
> 
> and,, pls enjoy the resolve in this chapter while you can sksksk


	6. the ocean is the stars’ foe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: character death >•<
> 
> i would like to apologize in advance 
> 
> disclaimer: if u’re an art student, im about to disappoint u,, forgive me if what you’re about to read is not creative or has already been done before. i unfortunately have no affiliation with the arts so yeah,, pls bear that in mind ;—;
> 
> buuut if u’re someone who doesn’t know what installation art is, to put in simpler terms, its a three dimensional art. or at least thats what i understood. u can look it up further if u like :D
> 
> i didnt really want to include anything heavily related to their univ life but its for the essence of this chapter. why? i hope u figure it out along the way :)

If Felix was going to be honest, at first, he didn’t like the concept of doing a project without knowing its restrictions or having the parameters of how it’ll be graded. Not that grades are all he’s ever cared about. But really, how is he supposed to fill an all too intimidating white room when the single instruction they’ve been given was  _ surprise me? _

He knows he’s supposed to be the typical art student, excited at the overwhelming amount of freedom arising from this unnamed project that Felix just settled to call a  _ themed exhibit.  _ But all he’s ever thought about was hiding behind the door and shouting at his professor’s face, hoping that it would  _ surprise  _ him. It’s stupid, he knows. He thinks he was so baffled by the vagueness that he resorted to idiotic creativity. Though, to be fair, he had a hard time covering his mouth quivering from trying to suppress laughter right after he had that idea while Jisung was telling him about things they accomplished two weeks ago. Which would be two weeks later for Felix.

Don’t get him wrong. He doesn’t ever get inspiration from what his classmates have already done. That’s just unoriginal and unethical. In fact, he shuts Jisung up right before he goes into a rambling mess of his own stories about it and tries to steer the conversation into a different topic.

He has already found what he wants to do now, anyway.

Today was day three of immersing himself in all the candidness of the world, letting himself be absorbed by the smallest details in exchange for something that he could splatter on a blank canvas. For the past two days, he aimed for bigger cities, knowing that the hustle and bustle of it exposes the underlying drive of humankind, the untold stories that you’d probably find yourself reading if you just look close enough. 

And though unplanned trips that rely on where your feet take you isn’t exactly an ideal getaway for his already weeping wallet, he met a lot of strangers who willingly answered his questions and helped him get to his destination. He felt a sense of healing, too, from interacting with so much kindness. He thinks the world would’ve been greater if everyone just genuinely cared without wanting something in return.

But most importantly, just before he catches a train to go home, disappointed because although everything looks beautiful, nothing feels right, his feet brought him to an overlooking view of the ocean against the stars. And there clicks the idea of what he was going to do— installation art. 

There would be a wrecked boat in the middle of a raging ocean, a hand of someone drowning reaching out into the surface to hold another’s hand to keep that someone from falling into the stars on the floor. And no, the upside down isn’t for the aesthetic. Because it’s a universal truth that the cosmos were designed to be infinite, no top, no bottom. It’s just that humans set the boundaries of direction because they’re subconsciously afraid of having no limitations. And for all we know, the stars that we so desperately want to reach could be right below us. We just let ourselves drown in the illusion that we’re being saved by whatever, whoever is holding us back. Whether that be ourselves.

Hence, his piece—  _ The Ocean is the Stars’ Foe. _

And you bet he’s gonna start working on it as soon as he has narrowed down what he needs and bought those supplies. But he’s not exactly the best at maths. So while this familiar fellow he’s seated beside with in the subway was banging his head on the window, he can’t concentrate on approximating his budget.

“Excuse me?” Felix taps the other’s shoulder politely, noticing that he seems bothered, judging from the frown even with closed eyes. 

_ Chris,  _ Felix reads the name tag from the other’s work clothes. He becomes intrigued now that he found out that this guy uses an English name just like him. 

“Can you not see that I’m sleeping?” the other replies. Felix almost wanted to facepalm himself from his attempt to get other people off his back. Because clearly, no one sleeps like that. 

Just then, he remembers something. When he was getting ready to leave the scenery, he found a little girl in a convenience store, crying because she was lost. He laughed when she said she’s out of emergency money, which her Mom usually gives to her for if ever she got lost, all because she got hungry. It calmed the little girl, suddenly telling him he has a nice voice. They contacted her Mom through Felix’ phone. And right before she arrives, the kid gives him an ice cream sandwich, saying that she saved the best for last so Felix can have it.

Absolutely not having the heart to turn down the kid, he accepts it. Even when he’s not sure he can eat it because he can’t bite through cold things for shit.

“Do you want some ice cream sandwich?” Felix offers instead because then, the little girl’s sweetness wouldn’t go into waste and the other really looks like he could use something that would calm his nerves. “But if you do, can I have the plastic back? I’m gonna have to keep it, it has sentimental value.”

_ Ugh, if only I was Hyunjin,  _ Felix wished after he had swallowed all his pride just to say that to the other to keep a memorabilia of the kid. He immediately erases the thought out of his head, because again, Hyunjin was infiltrating his mind.

“Do I look homeless to you, kid?” the other snapped and stared at him dead in the eye. 

“What? No! I’m just offering you food. That’s all. I’m not pitying you or anything. I know how that feels. And I’m never gonna do that to other people.” Felix explained, thinking that that’s one spectacular way to express that you’re offended for being offered food. But it definitely won’t work for him because it doesn’t suit his attitude.

“I’m pretty sure people shouldn’t take food from strangers.” The other snatches the dessert, still giving Felix a glare as if he’s sensing a hidden motive.

_ But you took it anyway!  _ Felix almost wanted to scream inhuman noises because this guy was impossible.

“Hey, we’re not strangers. We’ve been riding the train for three straight days!” Felix justified enthusiastically, still finding it as some extraordinary coincidence. This being the reason he had a boost to call the other out.

“No, kid, this is the first time you’re supposed to see me,” the other contradicted. But instead of being weirded out or scared, Felix hears a mix of an alarmed and hopeful voice coating the statement.

“Oh, wait. Right, I’m living backwards,” Felix muttered under his breath and avoided the other’s searching gaze, looking far away as if he’s in a daze and nothing has been said. 

As he daydreams about the sturdy seat turning into quicksand and engulfing him whole from the secondhand embarrassment he gets even from himself, the doors of the train open. And you’ve guessed it right. He’s being dragged by this man into the platform.

“Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!” Felix screams continuously as internal panic sets off in his head. Because this isn’t supposed to be his fucking stop and if he’s a step too late into catching that train, he might not make it back home tonight. But of course, as he turns around, the doors are already closing and the train’s seconds away from disappearing from his sight.

Felix cannot absolutely believe this is happening to him. Just when he’s ready to pull all-nighters to do something he loves. Just when he’s about to reward himself with freeing his soul onto his art after all the emotional exhaustion he’s been through for the past two weeks. Just when he’s one day closer to seeing Hyunjin again. He’d have to be held captive by whoever this guy, to whom he had only so kindly shown compassion, is.

But speaking of Hyunjin, it’s been two days since he had last seen him. And although Felix knows that both of them love to be in touch with their lives outside of each other and their fate, he can’t help but miss him. Especially because Hyunjin, being probably the most brilliant person Felix has ever known, was still stupid enough to forget the tradition of exchanging numbers. Of course, Felix was excused from not bringing it up. He’s not supposed to be the pillar of knowledge between the two of them.

_ Felix Lee, what the fuck? Get yourself together? _

As Felix turns around to face his abductor, because he has bitterly accepted that he has lost all chances of getting home at least before the sun rises, he’s glad that there’s the least bit of guilt in the other’s face. He just hopes this encounter is going to be worthwhile.

“Is this enough to compensate for the time I’m going to take?” The guy peels the plastic off the ice cream sandwich and hands it to Felix. And if it weren’t for the current situation, Felix would have shrieked and cradled the plastic in his arms. Because really, the little girl had his heart in her hands and he would absolutely love to meet her again.

“I asked you for it. Of course, as a decent person would do, you should give it back.” Felix snarked, more to himself than towards the other, completely knowing that he was about to succumb into this bribe. “But yes, it is.”

“Okay, that’s good! Let’s go, we can’t talk here.” 

Felix tries not to accuse the guy of being a murderer like he did when he first met Hyunjin. But after the other forcefully brought him out into the open and into a dark alley with just a few turns, he’s afraid he might have associated himself with a real criminal this time. No one’s supposed to navigate through the uncrowded parts of the city that fast while eating an ice cream sandwich, right?

And as he’s hyperventilating, fearing for his end, he recalls all his happy memories. He summons all the gods that allowed him to somehow dodge death and apologizes for being ungrateful, saying that he’d absolutely take living backwards for the rest of his life more than dying at this very moment. He promises himself that if he escapes this, his classifying people skills would definitely get some fixing. 

“Hey, I didn’t say it was enough for me to trust you and come to this really scary place!” Felix asserted, or at least, tried to, while his voice was faltering.

He thinks he could’ve picked a better timing. Like, when there was still light illuminating the streets and there were still people who could report if he ever got killed on the scene. But his fear of getting beaten up for talking got the best of him. You can’t blame him for seeing it countless times in movies and dramas.

The other, seeming to notice the terror in Felix’ voice, sighs and positions Felix in front of him, instead of behind him, so that they’re standing face to face.

“Alright then. I hope this will buy your trust.” The guy extends his hands for a handshake. “I’m Chan. You’re the first one in years to know the name I’m used to. I use this pseudonym to live under a false life. There, that’s something you can use against me.”

“Aww, so you’re not Chris?” Felix pouts as he stares at the name tag Chan was gesturing to. 

Because after finances plummeted in Australia when he was still a kid, they’ve stayed in Korea for most of Felix’ life. And, well, it didn’t take long before  _ they _ became  _ just him _ . So now that he’s alone, he gets excited over meeting people with English names, wanting to find a fellow Australian. Though he knows that chances are low. Because more than he misses the country he can barely picture, he craves for a piece of reminder of the home he once had there. He longs for something attached to the memories of when life was still simple that this demanding world has made him forget.

He knows it’s completely childish and ridiculous, affiliating his deepest desires to something trivial. Most especially to someone who he doesn’t know the real intentions for barging in his life just yet. He knows it’s completely stupid to focus on something besides the point, too. But he can’t help it. It feels like his family was being stripped away from him again. Just from this guy saying the English name was fake.

“I am. It’s part of my full name. I’m Australian, you see. It’s just not the name I go by before living backwards,” Chan elaborated. But to his dismay, Felix stopped paying attention halfway through, after he had heard something that made his heart all soft.

“OH MY GOD, I’M AUSTRALIAN TOO!” Felix jumped up and down, holding himself back from hugging Chan, but forgetting the context of his statement. “No, wait! You’re living backwards, too?”

“Why else would I have pulled you out of that train, after hearing you say something out of this world for normal humans, into this secluded area, and revealed something confidential to gain your trust if we weren’t going through the same thing, kid?” Chan argued in one breath. And Felix almost couldn’t keep up with his comprehension still at a freeze from the sudden revelation.

“I don’t know? To kidnap me and then surrender me to the government or a group of scientists because I could be a breakthrough for whatever this fate is?” Felix answered with one of the worst case scenarios he’s been formulating inside his head. “Because now, it makes sense! Of course you wouldn’t put yourself as a sacrificial lamb. Who knows what they do to lab rats? So you would have to get the answer from me. And! It’s Felix, by the way.” 

Felix inserts an introduction at the end of his babbling after finding the way Chan calls him  _ kid _ irritating. Because it sounds like he’s using it to mock him. 

_ We don’t even look like our ages are far apart! And… I could get used to having a hyung. _

“Well, it’s comforting to find someone who’s living the same way as me for the first time. And now, you’re also the first and only Australian I met here in Korea. So no, I guess I didn’t think of selling you. Although, you’re making me have second thoughts because that does sound promising,” Chan jokes as he started walking again, taking Felix’ introduction as him lending his trust. Felix willingly tags along.

“Well, we’ll all choose something that tugs our hearts when we’re at our weakest, won’t we?” Felix looks up to meet Chan’s eyes as his prejudice of the other being a bad person completely melts into fondness.

Chan didn’t really know why he dragged Felix out of his peaceful travel aside from the fact that he found solace in knowing that he wasn’t alone. He doesn’t think he has useful information to share with the younger because all he has ever done was to run away and block the problem from penetrating his thoughts. And even if the other knows something that could be of help, unfortunately, it’s already too late. 

But with Felix’ words echoing through his mind, building a dreadful rhythm of suspense that almost makes him lightheaded, he gulps down a big chunk of overwhelming realization. That he wasn’t ever numb to everything. That he wasn’t ever used to it. That after months and months of preparing himself for what’s about to come, he never was ready.

Because he still wishes he could do a rewind and do things differently. He still regrets not doing the most mundane things and the ones he loved to do, not meeting people who were just mere acquaintances and who were dear to his heart. He still blames himself for taking away his own right to live, walking around cursing the world for how it wanted to play, but he was the one who made himself this way. 

And Felix was his fresh breath of oxygen from the toxic lies he’s been pushing down his airways. He was his last chance at life. He was the proof of his real existence, not just someone who was put under the spell of believing that that was him they were with. But above all, he was his reminder that at his lowest point, he thought keeping everything to himself was a heroic deed. But it wasn’t. Not when all it did was make his heart bleed.

“Don’t give me poetry, kid,” Chan complained, not wanting anything to do with his fears right now. Because this isn’t about him anymore. This was about getting through Felix’ head that he shouldn’t end up like him.

Of course, you’d think Chan would sit Felix through a slideshow of life lessons. But no, he’s just gonna subtly imply it while nagging like a mother who sucks at parenting. He has his reasons. That being he doesn’t want Felix to get attached to him.

“I said call me Felix.” Felix demanded, stopping on his tracks after he thought of something. “Also, can I ask for one last thing before I come with you?”

“Seriously, kid? You’re asking for more?” Chan scratches the back of his head in annoyance but patiently waits for Felix to say what he wants.

“Please, it’s not much,” Felix begs, tugging the sleeve of Chan’s coat like the little kid Chan continues to address him.

“What?” Chan blurts out, just wanting to get over that part of the conversation. He doesn’t exactly have the luxury of time to go round and round with that part.

“Can I call you hyung?” Felix asks in a small voice after he got scared of the other lashing out. Chan runs a hand through his face in an attempt to show Felix a calm demeanor. Because he really didn’t mean the brash reaction.

“You should call me hyung, though?” he says, awkwardly patting Felix’ shoulder twice. He does it as a signal for him to put his chin up.

“But we’re not close. So I was hesitating, you know?” 

_ Ah fuck it,  _ Chan mentally rolls his eyes as he decides that he was gonna start being nice to Felix. It’s just inevitable from the way he’s starting to coo at the younger’s antics.

“You can do whatever you want, kid.” Chan answered with a smile and began walking again. 

Though, he realizes that he made a slip of the tongue that might have just pissed Felix off, judging from the way Felix wasn’t even moving from his position. Afraid of losing him, he peeks at Felix’ reaction through his peripheral vision without halting. He breathes a sigh of relief when he notices that he’s catching up with a smile brighter than streetlights the road they’re taking definitely needs.

Meanwhile, Felix was just thinking of giving up on getting Chan to call him by his name. Especially after he had said  _ kid  _ in an endearing manner with his last statement. At this point, it could just be their big brother and little brother thing. 

“So how long have you been living backwards?” Felix began after a moment of comfortable silence.

“Two years.” Chan kicked a stone as he let out a bitter laugh. He’s always hated remembering how it was a tormenting paradox. It was too long of a punishment. But it was short in a sense that he’s still got so much he wants to do.

_ Who am I kidding? That’s just an excuse for a bad case of time management, isn’t it?  _ Chan tells himself as he watches Felix’ eyes follow the stone with his gaze and dart towards his own.

“Wait, what?” Felix checks if there’s any hint of deceit and he’s met with none. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry. That must have been agonizing.”

“It is,” Chan agreed, his voice cracking with just a short response.

And for the first time, it all comes washing ashore like waves overgrown bidding a brief goodbye to the land before it comes back to the sea. How difficult it was to survive in the darkness, left alone with his shadow as a companion. How he was blindly searching for answers when he didn’t even know where to look or what he was looking for. How he figured that muffling his own screams cut his throat deeper than shouting at the top of his lungs. How he braved all those years in vain because at the end of the day, they were simply manifestations of his cowardice.

But despite the sorrow he now embraces like an old friend because of having someone to talk to, he feels gratitude prompt a single heartbeat in his chest. It’s really not likely for someone to grip onto grand positive emotions especially in situations like this. So it was just small. Barely noticeable. But it was there, nonetheless. Because finally, someone was here. Not to give him the rescuing he’s been yearning for. But to hear him out, to ease his anxiety the least bit.

And somehow, that was enough.

“Hyung, you can take your time. It’s fine.” Felix tugged Chan’s sleeve after he paused both in walking and talking, pointing to the sidewalk to imply that they could sit down and talk there. Chan shook his head in declination.

“That’s why I had to build a new life outside of what it was once like. I even changed my name to, uh, avoid inconveniences.” Chan narrated with a bit of white lies here and there. “How about you?”

“Two weeks.” Felix hesitantly trailed behind Chan, still believing that the other could use a break.

“Ah, you must still be at that stage where you almost always feel agitated because your emotions are always at their extremes. You feel determined, scared, hopeless, confused and all that. Now that my end is nearing, I don’t know, I’m just… waiting for it. I guess? Though still kind of terrified, still kind of regretful.”

Felix can attest to everything that Chan was saying. And he’s so glad someone can understand the mess that his feelings are that he wants to hug the life out of the other. Even though Chan might just shove him away since they’re technically strangers. Because honestly, Hyunjin has less emotions than a brick and can never sympathize with the sentiments of feeling wronged by being projected into the future without any warning. That guy always seems like he’s sure that they’d make it back to their present lives in the blink of an eye.

But the thing is, he doesn’t know what the  _ end _ is supposed to mean and how Chan can anticipate the coming of something he’s afraid of and be ready to leave something that he still ties with remorse.

_ Hyunjin! That’s it! I can bring Chan-hyung to him,  _ Felix thought in what seemed like Chan’s desperate state. Because now that there’s another addition to the crew, who has had different circumstances than them, they can find other variables and solve a wider range of things.

“Hey, hyung, don’t lose hope. We can still figure it out. Especially now that we’re quite a number. Maybe… maybe we can find out what’s common and—“

“So you know someone who’s going through this too?” Chan almost slams Felix’ chest with his arm to stop him from walking. 

For a split second, he was ready to throw a fit. He was about to let himself lose control because really, he has nothing to lose beyond this point, right? And you can’t blame him for feeling unfair because Felix so effortlessly found someone to be with in such a short span of time. Meanwhile, here he was, standing before someone with the same problem right before he ends his journey. Except that someone was fucking favored by the gods above.

But as Chan takes a look at Felix while he’s clutching onto his shirt, he becomes hyper aware of what he was thinking. At that moment, his anger melts into shame and then morphs into admiration. Because Felix was nothing like Chan when he was starting to adjust to this madness. And it’s inexplicable, even to him, how he came to that conclusion. But Felix was just  _ different. _

Maybe that’s why the universe took interest in helping him.

“Yeah and we—“

“You’re lucky you’re gonna be left with someone to figure this out with, kid.” Chan lowers his hand, only to bring it up and pat Felix’ shoulder to show his support. “But you deserve it. You’re kind and innocent. I hope you guys make it out of here. I really do. And I appreciate the offer for a little group discussion, but it’s too late. When the clock strikes midnight, it’s the day I left off.”

“Hyung, I don’t get a single thing you’re saying. You gotta make it clearer.” Felix laughs it off in an attempt to destroy the tension in the air and to shake his interpretation of what Chan said. 

Maybe it’s just him overreacting again. Because it can’t be like that, right? 

_ What? Is this some kind of fairytale? Is Chan-hyung Cinderella or something?  _ Felix jokes to himself to calm his nerves. But of course, it was to no avail.

“You remember your last normal day?” Chan started slowly, knowing that this would be too much information to take in. But he feels his heart weighing heavier. Because he absolutely didn’t expect that Felix didn’t know this yet. And he doesn’t know if he can bear seeing the same fear he has had flash in Felix’ eyes.

“Yeah,” Felix replied with a frown.

“The deadline for escaping this madness is that day. Though, of course, no one ever told us about that. But, it’s obvious that we can’t stay beyond that point because our existence overlaps with our past selves. And they’re the ones in a normal time period. So we’re the ones who would cease to exist.” Chan continued walking, hands in his pockets while looking up to the sky. 

_ Knowing when you die can really fuck your emotions up, huh?  _ Chan thought to himself. Because after almost wanting to beat Felix to a pulp, he’s just asking himself if people really do become the stars that overpower the gloom of the night. He deems the question a bit dramatic later on, though. 

“That’s bullshit! Then why didn’t we cease to exist while living backwards? I mean, the days we skipped aren’t blank for us to write on, even at least while living backwards. Doesn’t that mean there’s another  _ us  _ who had a definite life past through those days?” Felix retorted, just wanting Chan to agree with the point he’s proving. Even if it’s a lie. He’ll just have to believe it until he disappears like what Chan was saying. Because that way it would hurt less. 

“Well, do you see the other you?” Chan shot his gaze back to Felix with an unmoved expression. Someone needs to be strong between the both of them, right?

“No.”

“That means, the people others act around are an illusion so we don’t mess with the flow of fate for them. I have proved that they’re nonexistent because you can’t coexist with another you. And even though we’re in the wrong time period, we’re still here, aren’t we? They’re just there to fill in our places in other people’s stories. 

“And because like you said, the universe didn’t leave our lives blank and instead showed us a certain destiny, it’s an implication that we have to learn something from the way we would have lived going forwards.

“And not just that. If they wanted us to learn something, they could’ve just put us in the shoes of our predestined selves and prohibited us from going against it. You know, without factors that allow us to get away with living the way we want to, like being invisible to people. So we’d go through the torture backwards. But no. That’s not the case, right? They allowed us to do what we want and get away with it. That’s because we’re bound for ill-fate and for some reason, the universe or whatever, is giving us a chance to alter it.”

“Hyung… how do we do that?” Felix’ hand was shaking as he reached out to hold Chan’s.

And he’s trying his very best to take all the information in so he could tell Hyunjin once they meet again. Because that way, he wouldn’t be much of a burden to him. But he’s also trying his very best to console Chan and to distract him from his fate. Because as much as he knows nothing would ever be enough to relieve Chan of the internal suffering he’s going through, he also knows having someone right by your side is encouraging.

But he just knows that he’s doing a sloppy job in accomplishing both of that because he can’t fucking multitask for shit. And he just wants the world to freeze for a moment because thousands of feelings are shooting up from his lungs, awaiting to be expelled. But they just stay right where he can’t get them out and every second they stay there they just turn a darker hue. And soon, indistinguishable shades of dread and pain that it becomes so hard to breathe. Because he found out he’s going to die if he doesn’t find a solution to this. He’s going to die an unfinished piece, still a bit wrecked, still a bit dull and still unable to prove his purpose, his worth, his place in the world.

But more than that, he’s gonna have to witness yet another death. And he doesn’t want to look. Because he doesn’t want to welcome the feeling of losing someone all over again. He wants to cover his eyes or run away. But how can he? How can he when he’s probably all Chan has ever had, considering that no one’s coming to his aid on this occasion? How can he leave him alone in a battle he’s obliged to face, without any colleague, whilst knowing he’s gonna lose either way?

“Does it look like I’ve figured it out?” Chan intertwines their hands and squeezes Felix’ hand, not to assure him that everything’s gonna be alright. Hell, he’s dying, how is that alright? Not to assure him that the coming days are gonna be bright, no. But to let him know that he’s there. Maybe even after today.

“But you look like you’ve figured this out more than I have.” Felix started sniffling at the touch. And right then, he just knows he’s an inch closer to having a breakdown.

“I’ve been here for two years. You’ve been here for two weeks. I’d be mad if you had grasped the context more than I have,” Chan jokes.

“Did you ever figure out how you died?” Felix suddenly brought up, thinking that they could still magically fix this at the last minute. Or maybe Chan just sounded confident with his theory but he’s actually wrong. 

“I did. I never figured out what I have to do, though,” Chan answered vaguely, wanting to take the conversation to a detour. Because that’s exactly where all his regrets spring. 

Felix takes the hint and thinks that maybe it’s a sensitive topic for him. So he turns to his only option.

“Hyung, this will sound really really bad. You can say no, if you want. But can I stay in your place? Because I don’t wanna go home at this hour. And also because I wanna check on you. I mean, it’s still not true unless we get proof, right?” 

“You really don’t have to do this for me, kid. But yeah, sure, you can stay,” Chan replied, suppressing the disgusting mix of tears and a smile triggered by Felix’ concern.

It’s been quite a while since they have arrived at Chan’s apartment. Though Felix has lost count of exactly how long they’ve been there. He’s just sitting in Chan’s bed, because the other told him to rest, zoning out. It’s one of those moments where the high of his emotions plunge to a dangerous low that he just feels weird. And he can’t seem to give it a justifiable description except being along the lines of feeling all over the place and feeling like you’re physically nonexistent, just a soul floating around, haunting the living.

Those moments usually happen for different reasons, depending on what his mind thinks the situation calls for. Right now, he thinks it’s his defense mechanism to fight back the wailing cries he wants to release. Which, of course, he should really shove down his throat. Because he isn’t supposed to be the center of attention. And Chan most definitely doesn’t need another set of emotions to deal with. But the fact that Chan’s flat felt so cozy wasn’t cooperating with his meditation. Because even though Chan was a stranger, who has basically pushed him away all night, Felix can’t help but associate the ambiance of his place with him and how he feels like home.

After, what Felix perceives as, a few insufferable minutes, Chan takes a seat beside him. His eyes automatically dart to the clock from the sudden shift in weight of the mattress. And as Felix’ anxiety grows bigger as the ticking of the clock sounded like the footsteps of death coming to find them, he thinks that although he can keep Chan company, he can’t bear to see him vanish before his sight.

“Hyung, I’m sorry. I don’t think… I don’t think I can, uh… see… the… uh, you know—“

“It’s okay, you can sleep, kid.” Chan picks up the message immediately, putting Felix in a loop of self-blaming because Chan was being considerate of his feelings when he should be the one receiving comfort.

“I promised to check on you, though,” Felix contradicted while Chan was gently pushing him to lie down and tucking him with a blanket.

“You can check on me in the morning. I promise that if ever I,” Chan paused, dragging a long inhale, “if ever I’m still here, I won’t leave until you see me.”

Felix closed his eyes after hearing those words from Chan, pained from how he now speaks as if there’s a possibility that he’d still make it past this day. Just because Felix suggested that it might just be a wild guess, from assuming the worst out of the situation, all along. Except he speaks with hesitation. Unlike how certain he was, talking about his approaching demise.

But the moment Felix shut his eyes from reality, he pictured a scene in the morning where Chan was nowhere to be seen. And it felt so real and so terrifying that he had something close to a mini heart attack. So as he jolts his eyes open, he takes in every bit of Chan’s presence. Because now, he just wants to spend every second with him until he’s heart’s content. Until he’s satisfied to let him go.

Because that’s the chance he didn’t get from his Mom’s case. And he’s wasting it away just because he can’t bring himself to do it.

“But I don’t think it’s gonna be enough. You know, in case this is the last time I’m seeing you.” Felix held Chan’s hand as tightly as he could.

But that’s just how life works, right? It’s never gonna be enough. Even when you end up feeling happy by the time you reach the finish line, you’re always gonna wish for one more minute, one more day, to see everyone who’s been there for you. 

The only choice we get is making the journey worthwhile. And that’s exactly where Chan went wrong.

“I’m just a passerby, kid. Don’t get so hung up on me,” Chan said matter-of-factly. Because as much as he doesn’t want to leave the world, as much as he doesn’t want to leave Felix and his memory, he doesn’t want Felix to cry over him. 

Though having someone mourn for his death drips a bittersweet feeling over the core of his heart, because it’s an indication of love, he wants to imprint a beautiful tragedy in Felix’ mind. Though he might be overestimating his importance in the other’s life, he wants to remain a lingering reminder. In a sense that Felix would be inspired, encouraged, hell-bent on getting the fuck out of here for himself. But also for Chan.

“Hyung, I’m sorry I came late.” Felix sat up and held both of Chan’s hands, almost clawing at them. 

Because little does Chan know, Felix’ regret was that they weren’t anything more than passersby. He hates the way they have to end here, while they were still starting. And he can’t do anything to save him.

“Don’t be sorry. I’m genuinely thankful that I got to meet you before I die, okay? In fact, you’re making me have mixed feelings because I should loathe this day. But I loved it because of you.” Chan smiled, letting Felix know how much he meant to him in such a short period of time, how he was a much appreciated and needed presence. Because he has nothing to lose beyond this point, right? He might as well show his affection.

“Hyung, you’re making me guilty for sleeping,” Felix whined, losing the strength in his voice. He mirrors Chan’s glassy eyes, trying to hold it much longer than him.

“I may not see you again, so please, don’t trust strangers as much as you trusted me, okay? You’re too good for this world, Felix.” 

Chan brings his hand on top of Felix’ head to ruffle his hair, stopping midway, because he thinks he’s overstepping boundaries. But Felix was quick to duck his head and grab Chan’s hand to place it on his hair, aching for a big brother’s touch. And as he waits for Chan to make a mess of his hair, he just goes in for a hug, which he thinks is long overdue by now. He starts bawling his eyes out, the way he had wanted to all evening. He grieves for all the times he didn’t hug Chan today. For all the times he wouldn’t in the future. 

And Chan does the same. He gives up on enduring the weight up until his last breath. But as they both cry themselves to sleep, Chan lets himself hear the lullaby of gratitude for the underlying tune of irony that death brings. Because it reminded him how to care for someone, one last time, through Felix.

“Don’t end up like me, kid,” he whispered before slumber takes the exhaustion away from their bloodshot eyes.

That morning, Felix spent hours and hours curled up and shaking terribly in Chan’s bed, refusing to move until the pillow, where Chan once laid, has absorbed every single tear he’s offering for every single second he could’ve spent with the other. But also because he can’t bear standing up without his knees failing him. He can’t bear gripping onto anything for support because the moment he does, he wonders how Chan used them. How often he held onto them when things were hard for him. How he found comfort in them and if he ever flashed his soothing smile, that Felix could only ever see for a few times, on the smallest things in this humble home.

And he hates how this situation is just filling him with so much of the wrong emotions that he’s slowly losing himself within the storm stirring inside him. His spite is just piling up on his sadness and it’s poisoning his thoughts. Because suddenly he wants to destroy the walls, that have once reeked of familiarity, for making him feel claustrophobic. He wants to start a fight with whoever decided that this should happen to him, to Chan. 

Because they don’t deserve this. No one fucking does.

“Are you fucking kidding me? Why do you all want to ruin everything I have and everything I do? I just want to cry in peace and here goes my responsibilities, as a normal functioning human being, raining on my fucking parade,” Felix yells, his cry roaring even louder from every word, as his phone chimed in for a millionth time that morning.

He feels the downsides of crying too much as he sits up to reach his phone on the bedside table. His head felt like it weighed a thousand pounds, much like the load sitting on top of his chest. Except he was sure he could find a medicine for the former. The latter is plainly a scar of an incurable void. His eyes felt worn out. And the fact that the room was spinning wasn’t helping his eyesight at all.

But the second Felix saw who was calling him, his practically sore body became numb. He was just dumbstruck, not knowing what to feel at that moment. 

“Felix! Thank god you finally picked up! I have been calling you for hours!” Hyunjin paused for a while, continuing when he didn’t get a response. “Anyway, I was still supposed to do something today, right? But I finished ahead of time. And I wanted to see you. Which, by the way, meshes into this fun little story of how I got your number. Or found, actually, found your number.

“I was fumbling through my phone, wrapping my head around some theories on how I can get myself to communicate with you. And I thought that if we’re supposed to know each other by now, we should have each other’s numbers. So I just randomly checked my contacts and then there was your name! Cool stuff. I don’t understand how we never thought of that earlier. But let’s keep the stories for later. Where are you? I’ll pick you up.”

Felix swallowed the lump in his throat and cleared his voice. But the mere action flooded his eyes with another set of tears, threatening to fall. Because he’s starting to recognize a feeling that’s pinning him down. 

“Why are we even doing this?”

“Felix, what are you saying? To get out of here, of course! Come on, I know a place we can visit,” Hyunjin chuckled, baffled by the hoarse voice and the reply he got. So he tried to put it off as Felix just waking up from a deep sleep and having an existential crisis after his mind got used to being at rest for so long.

“What’s the point of getting something out of my dreams, anyway? It’s not like memories of our predestined life will magically bring us back to the day we left off.” Felix added as he feels droplets silently soak the fabric of his clothes again. 

Because as much as he wants his anger to consume every piece of him, to move him to do something, he knows that it’s all just hopeless.

And believe him when he says that he’s still dying to get out of here. That he still wants to put an end to this mess. And he knows that the only solution to that, whatever it may be, requires his participation. But that’s the thing, he doesn’t want his efforts to betray him. Because he fucking knows how heart-clenching it is to be stuck in the same place after all the hardwork. 

He sits lonely, in the middle of this all too fucking populated world, wondering if his best will ever be enough. Even questioning if he was the one who had shortcomings. And it just makes him so afraid of trying again. Especially now that he knows he could die that way— having given his all but lead to a point of no return. 

And regrets are the worst, yes. There’s no denying that. But right now, he thinks he’d rather die because of his own fault than something beyond his control. Because that’s just so unfair.

“There’s an algorithm in your dreams for a reason. We have to find something from it,” Hyunjin pointed out, feeling everything all at once. He was mad about the sudden change in Felix’ views. He was eager to get his point across and convince Felix otherwise. He was worried about what could’ve happened to him. And he was so  _ so  _ scared that this would result in Felix admitting defeat.

“What if we do find something? What do we do with it then?” Felix challenged. 

Because for fuck’s sake, Chan figured out how he died, too. Like how they’ve been attempting to through Felix’ dreams. But he never managed to get out within two long years. How are they supposed to do it within a few months? 

_ We might as well surrender,  _ Felix thought, letting out a bitter laugh, as it all becomes clearer. This all just seems like one big trap of a decided destiny, waiting for them to trip over and blame themselves for being stupid, when they actually can’t do anything to change it. Like how they played Chan dirty.

So his desire to just stay still was tempting, conquering him. Because it’s constant— not progressing but not regressing either. It’s the in between where it’s safe and sound. Where the world couldn’t harm him just for trying to move forward.

“Why are you being like this, Lix? You’re the one who said that we shouldn’t let things be.” Hyunjin tries to remind him of what he said in their argument, in hopes of bringing back  _ that  _ Felix. Because that Felix has gradually pushed him to not think lightly of their situation. To want to use his brain to its full potential so they can get out of here. The both of them.

And he’s almost crushing his phone from his grip while wanting to just teleport to where he is so he could see him.

“I don’t know, Hyunjin. I just… I don’t really wanna see you right now.”

Though he was feeling a whole lot more uneasy than when they had a fight, because at least then, he knew what he had to fix, Hyunjin gave it a rest. He didn’t try to persuade Felix to talk to him that day, thinking that he might not be in the right headspace because of a bad day. And maybe, once he’s had some time to sort things out in his head, they can meet the next day with a clean slate. Everything’s going to be fine, right?  _ Well, wrong. _

But at least that was what he had held onto up until the moment he opened the door of the cafe. Until he walked in on Felix, wiping the countertop and ignoring his presence.

“Lix…”

“Are you going to order or what?” Felix asked impatiently. Though no one’s even waiting behind Hyunjin. He was actively avoiding his gaze too. 

“Can you hear me out?” Hyunjin pleaded in a soft voice. Though he didn’t have anything to say. Because he didn’t even do something to defend himself from. He just needs Felix’ attention, explanation of what was going on. Because he’s just so damn lost from being clueless.

But ever since last night, Felix already had his mind fixed on not wanting anything to do with Hyunjin. So with the swollen eyes that he has been trying to hide, he looks up to finally let Hyunjin see through the windows of his soul. To let him know how broken it was, practically beyond repair. And to maybe get him to understand that he’s just doing this for himself.

“Yesterday, I saw someone like us disappear before my sight. Well, I didn’t even get to see him up until the last second because I was too much of a coward to do that. But yeah, went through it. He told me we’re destined for ill-fate and we’re here to alter it. 

“And if that’s the case, Hyunjin, maybe I have dreams when you’re around because they’re warnings that we’re repeating it again. Maybe this is the universe’s way of telling us to stay the fuck away from each other to avoid an early death.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to be fair to anyone who cried, i had a hard time writing this too bc just looking at my draft just makes me tear up
> 
> chapter-ly update that y’all still reading this fic makes my heart swell <33
> 
> i hope you enjoyed reading <33


	7. you were right all along

_11:58 PM,_ _January 2nd,_ Felix read as he placed his phone under his pillow and plopped his face back down on the comfort of his mattress. He returns to fiddling with the ice cream sandwich wrapper that has become inseparable from him since _that_ day.

You’d think that Felix was stuck in an emotional slump from then on, wallowing in the confinement the four walls of his unit provide him. But just like always, he had to grieve while life went on. And his keepsake, it’s been there on better days. When he can’t get his paintbrush to align with the world he has created in his head, waiting to come to life. Or when his ideas are a bit too scattered and he can’t seem to puzzle them together. He rubs it between two fingers when he gets excited. His hand automatically searches for it in his bag or pocket on random times of the day. He studies the colors and reads the words over and over again when he’s in the middle of a boring class, as if he’s seeing it for the first time. On bus rides, he plays with it near his ears, not minding the looks he gets from people who probably find the sound way too disturbing.

But there are still times when just looking at the material makes him choke on suppressed tears and longing. It ropes him to a cycle of questioning if meeting Chan and finding more answers were worth the pain and anxiety. But those thoughts instantly wash him with the reality that it was _worth_ it. Because as unbelievable as it sounds, he loved Chan with all his heart. And it just makes his stomach churn in torment because he’s gone. He’s never getting him back. 

From there, he finds the will to hold the memorabilia again, running his thumb across the surface he has surprisingly kept in perfect shape. Because at the end of the day, it’s the only reminder of what they could’ve been.

Felix himself thinks it’s weird and obsessive, how a simple thing is powerful enough to evoke such strong feelings, whether positive or negative. But he clings to its effects of bringing him high up in the clouds. And even how it drags him to hit rock bottom. Because that’s still a sign of being alive, right?

But if you ask him right now about the reason behind having the plastic close to his heart, he would have to say it’s not about him being sad or afraid of everything that came crashing these past few months. It’s not of strange melancholy that embraces him along with the cold breeze of winter, either. He’s too fucking tired to deal with those emotions, at least for today, anyway. Just that his mind was restless. And he can’t seem to tone it down, even just enough for him to take a nap.

Maybe because he’s well aware that he’s entering his last day of the year. Which means in 24 hours, he’s back to the year where it all began. 

Not that he was feeling anything about it, though. They were just floating around his head. Maybe the differences between those are indistinguishable, but it makes sense to him. _Somehow._

So he uses the wrapper to maybe mislead his unconscious contemplation into hiding and to maybe lull him to sleep.

Just then, he thinks he has reached the peak of insanity when he begins hallucinating the sound of continuous knocking on his door. But he finds himself rushing to open it when he remembers _that_ dream. Even when it’s just a trick of his imagination, he needs to do it. More so if there’s a person behind it. He’s not letting that happen to anyone, even when the trauma just stems from a fleeting universe inside his head.

“Hi,” Hyunjin greeted, only when Felix saw his face. 

He didn’t want to introduce himself or say something, only for Felix to recognize his voice beforehand. Because then, Felix would probably let him rot in the hallway until daybreak with damaged fists from all the pounding. Since coming to his flat uninvited is already ill-mannered of him, he might as well abuse Felix’ fear of being complained by the people next door. 

But to his dismay, Felix slammed the door on his face immediately after he realized that Hyunjin was standing right before him. Even when he didn’t want him to be. And the most alarming thing is, even when he didn’t know Felix’ address.

_How the fuck does this guy manage to track me down every single time?_

“How did you fucking find my apartment?” Felix hissed at Hyunjin, his body against the door that was separating them. He was cursing himself at the back of his head, panicking because he’s still interacting with him, even after knowing he could die for doing so. He could just go to sleep and pretend he wasn’t there. Because he’d probably be gone by morning.

But he can’t be blamed for wanting to know if his personal information was being sold somewhere in the depths of the internet, right? _Wrong, he’s going over the top again._

“I asked Changbin-hyung about you. He said you’re looking for someone to share finances with. Then he asked if I had a previous appointment with you and if I was there for inquiries about rooming with you. And I kinda said yes.” Hyunjin rested his forehead where he supposed Felix’ ear would be, across their stupid barrier, so he’d easily hear his words. He smiled awkwardly to himself. As if Felix could see him hoping to be accepted inside his place.

“I don’t need your money or your pity, Hyunjin. And I’m not disappearing like Chan-hyung did. So please, do a favor for the both of us and leave me alone,” Felix emphasized.

This time, more than wanting Hyunjin to go away because he still stands by what he said the last time they met, he’s disappointed that Hyunjin didn’t pay much attention when he told him how he was affected by Jisung buying him food on his birthday. Because he’s doing it right now, increased by a hundredfold. Is he still required to accept kindness from a rich boy practically ditching his comfortable lifestyle just to help a friend and not feel guilty or pitiful of himself about it? _Absolutely fucking not._

He’s embarrassed enough of letting Hyunjin’s spotless shoes grace his rusty, old apartment building. Of course he’s not gonna let him inhale even more dust and poverty by making him stay at his place.

“I’m not here to slap my money across your face, Felix, if that’s what you're thinking. I know better than that. I just said yes to Changbin-hyung so I can get a hold of you. I just really need you to listen to me. I’m gonna talk you out of that mindset.”

Just like that, Hyunjin and his astounding mind-reading skills saved the day again. Well, _somehow._ Felix feels grateful that Hyunjin didn’t come here just because of his pathetic state. Though he still doesn’t want to let Hyunjin in. But you could say that it’s a starter.

Felix wasn’t trying to reconsider Hyunjin’s pleas when he started cancelling out the noises from his surroundings and focused on the thoughts racing in his head. He tries to grasp how it all perfectly fell into place. And then, he begins to question why Changbin spoke of the reality of Felix’ illusory self to Hyunjin, instead of telling him _his_ reality. Which is, not reporting to work not long after him and Hyunjin’s last conversation.

 _Oh, that’s because Changbin is just Hyunjin’s acquaintance, not a close friend!_ Felix figures out from trying to dig through his cluttered files of theories.

 _Hell, I don’t need Hyunjin now! I can understand stuff on my own!_ He celebrates inside his head so Hyunjin wouldn’t hear him. Though it doesn’t really matter because he’s the one in charge in the situation. But eventually, it does.

Because as he recognizes the sound of Hyunjin knocking on the door again, he starts hyperventilating, realizing he really can’t let someone be on the other side of the door, where they’re in no control of passage. Call it many of his petty, emotional indulgent quirks, but it shots him back to _that_ dream. And he just caves in to it every time, doesn’t he?

“For the love of fuck, quit banging the door like a fucking retarded carpenter! These walls aren’t fucking soundproof and there are people trying to sleep here!” Felix’ neighbor yelled. Hyunjin exploits the opportunity to get Felix to let him in, knocking even harder from the remark.

“I’ll keep knocking until you let me in. I know it’s rude, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I’ve told you that before. But if you agree to hear me out, we can stand here with your door on the way and talk like that for the rest of the day. I can make adjustments for you, you know,” Hyunjin teases Felix. He proceeds with his agenda, while Felix was covering his ears to block out the pressure. He tries to tell himself that it’s all in his head. That he can hold it for long. That he has to escape from letting a distorted version of his past tie him down. 

“I’m going to fucking call the landlady if you don’t fucking stop this instant!” his neighbor shouted at them again. 

And at that moment, Felix just wants to silence everything happening all at the same time that he finally opens the door. Even with his life on the line. Chills creep his spine when he’s met with a once familiar smug expression. This is it. Felix might just probably be plotting his own demise.

“If I don’t get anything useful out of you, I’m kicking you out,” Felix warned, his breathing still adjusting to a normal rate. Meanwhile, Hyunjin was already kicking his shoes off and diving into Felix’ bed shamelessly. Like it was his own home. And as if Felix didn’t basically want him out of his life a few months ago. Even up until now.

“I like your flat,” Hyunjin complimented as he scanned the space, taking in every little detail. 

“Stop saying things to make me feel better or to get to my good side,” Felix snapped, finding the praise rather offensive from someone who was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. Of course, he doesn’t know how it feels like to live in a small apartment, the representation of a miserable life, so he’d like it.

“But I really do,” Hyunjin defended himself. Though he doesn’t dwell much on the argument because he’s satisfied enough that he got in. 

What he does is to bask in the glory of winning one of their little banters back when they first met. Because he’s now seeing Felix’ artworks, without him making a fuss about it since he’s busy half-heartedly accommodating Hyunjin.

It wasn’t like the meticulous arrangement he has back in his place. Paintings were resting against each other, in between the wall and one of his drawers. A few of them were hung on the wall. Hyunjin guesses they were his favorites. Some of his old sketches and digitally rendered works were taped on his cabinet. Disassembled parts of installation art projects and set design were stacked in a box beside his bed. His art materials were messily placed on one side of the room, along with a pile of various sizes of papers which looks like years and years of drafts. But it isn’t any less pleasing to the eyes. In fact, if he was to describe it, he’d say it’s raw and unpretentious, wearing the core of its very purpose on its sleeves.

Hyunjin giggles to himself because after piecing them all together, the only thing he can say was that this tells so much of him and Felix’ differences as an architecture and art student, respectively. And that Felix’ flat, it was much like his heart.

“And I really don’t.” 

Felix fumbled around to prepare Hyunjin some midnight snacks. He was his guest, after all. And it could make up for his trash of a place and could distract him from further romanticizing the struggles of barely living in an environment like this.

“So I did some thinking,” Hyunjin began, unable to stand the cold shoulder Felix was giving him. He clasped his hands together to commence the transition to a much serious conversation. 

“It took you two months to do that?” Felix voiced what should have remained in his mind. But because it’s been contained there for so long— the silent wish that they would cross paths and Hyunjin would prove him wrong— it just effortlessly released itself out into the open. Though it’s self-victimizing for him to say since he was the one who blocked Hyunjin’s number and distanced himself. Well, the latter wasn’t his choice. It just came along with what he had to do.

“Hey, shut the fuck up. Have you done something to resolve this issue for the past two months?” Hyunjin meant his statement in a harmless way. It was a natural response after being used to their bickering kind of friendship. Felix, on the other hand, lets out a bitter laugh.

Days after _the_ scene at the cafe, Felix found out that his— well, _sort of_ — Dad, decided that he should completely neglect him as a son by not sending him the annual financial support he promised. He wasn’t hurt at all. He already knew that his Dad was an asshole. He tries to believe that, at least. Because he’s still convinced that being left by his Dad was reasonable.

But that time, he made fun of the inconvenience, joking that his Dad was a psychic. Because out of all the years he could’ve stopped, he did well by choosing the year where his son’s supposed to die even before the first quarter of the year ends. Impeccable timing really, just when Felix was coping with another death, his Dad acted up again.

Obviously, the money he usually received wasn’t even enough for him to afford a decent lifestyle. But it was sufficient for sustaining his expenses without having to balance multiple part time jobs all at the same time. Well, when he found out that that was taken away from him too, like many other things in his life, he had to ditch his regular schedule at the cafe and make up for the loss.

So after finding out that someone was already taking over his shift at the cafe, he just inferred that his predestined self must’ve done what he was thinking of doing for two months too. And not knowing how to explain to Changbin how he won’t be gone for the coming days but the days of his past instead, he just ghosted him. He just wished that at least that one thing would go as planned, because he doesn’t want to be a nuisance to anyone, all the while putting himself in physical labor, mental distress and emotional instability.

“No, I haven’t done anything, Hyunjin. Because I was busy doing part time jobs to make ends meet, trying to survive. I’m sorry I’m not like you.” 

“Look, Felix. I’m sorry about what I said. I had a clue of what you were going through but I didn’t exactly know. That’s a fault on my part, for speaking tactlessly. But you could’ve put it nicely.

“I know this is gonna sound bad, especially coming from the _privileged_ person in the room. But let’s not fight over our socioeconomic statuses because, honestly? I don’t give a fuck. I don’t look down on you. I don’t see you any differently just because you’re _poor._

“I know you’re gonna say that it’s easy for me to not give a fuck because I have it _better_ than you. And believe me, I know that. Wait, that sounds horrible. I understand that. I understand that maybe you won’t ever be able to fully be okay with our differences. Maybe you’d sometimes feel unfair. Maybe you’d be jealous. Not that I’m saying you’re like that, alright. But, you know? It’s fine. Even if you’d feel like that all the time. It’s fine. I shouldn’t dictate what you should feel.

“But let’s talk about it instead. Tell me whenever you feel like that so we could get it off your chest. Tell me whenever I’m being insensitive. It wouldn’t make any visible difference but you know how talking about problems does magic to contribute to peace of mind. 

“Because really, we’re not all about the money we have in our pockets. We can’t even choose the life we’re born into. We can only make the most of what we have. And I know you’re gonna say that you don’t have a lot to work with. But you can always ask someone for help if it gets really _really_ hard. You can come to me. It wouldn’t hurt Felix. I mean, sure, it’d damage your pride, according to what you told me. But you don’t always have to deal with everything by yourself, especially when you’re gonna have to push yourself to your limits to do that. We have people around us for a reason. We won’t always make it out alive without the help of others.

“In return, you can educate me. Help me become a better person by teaching me how I can avoid unintentionally hurting people with financial difficulties through my words and actions. 

“And this is the first time we meet after a long time but here I am giving you a culture shock by spewing so many words again. But bottomline is, let’s move past that so we can have a better relationship in the future and get to your wrong notion of this phenomenon that I have yet to fix.”

Hyunjin air quoted his way through his speech when he found words that could be insulting but had no other terms to replace with. He stares intensely at Felix once he’s finished, waiting for him to respond or just sit down because he’s been moving around even while he was speaking.

“Okay,” Felix replied, his aloofness and anger melting halfway through Hyunjin’s lecture and turning into guilt. 

He can confess to having his mind programmed to deflect whatever Hyunjin says to draw the distinct line his fears require him to. But his moral compass is still unimpaired enough to make him listen and recognize his mistake when he’s being corrected. Hyunjin was right. Felix was going overboard in thinking that he’s the only one affected in their situation. Maybe it’s about time he starts taking into account Hyunjin’s say and emotions in whatever they do, whether together or individually. 

And though he still has reservations in taking Hyunjin back to his life, he can’t deny the fact that he missed Hyunjin’s talkative presence. 

“Okay?” Hyunjin repeated in a shrill voice because he can’t believe Felix would agree that fast. 

“I said okay! You’re damaging my hearing.” Felix hands Hyunjin a bowl of ramen and a cup of coffee before he sits down beside him on the bed, carrying a set of the same things except with a plate of cookies for them to share.

“You said something like that before,” Hyunjin muttered under his breath. Felix just frowned, Hyunjin’s comment inaudible to him. 

But Hyunjin shaked his head to dismiss the topic and happily kept it to himself, how Felix said something similar the last time they parted properly. And how he still does wonders to Hyunjin’s emotions. Which he has always claimed as something inferior to him, something he can control more than it could do to him. Because Hyunjin was torn between missing Felix, that he wants to skip the part where they at least come to a truce and just proceed to make up for the time they weren’t together, and feeling like it was only two days ago that they went somewhere else, following their alternating days of meet-ups. 

All because Felix still feels like the person he has gotten used to. He was still the same person who flawlessly slid into his life, fitting in just right, that Hyunjin only recognized the iridescence he brought along with him when he was already gone. And above all, he’s still so damn stubborn when he believes in something that you can’t slip an explanation past through his head, a thousand times more about this matter. 

Hyunjin can’t blame him, though. He was fooled into thinking that way too. But he has had the privilege to free himself from its self-destructive nature. So he’s getting Felix out of it too. Even if he had to storm through Felix’ unpredictability. 

“That’s not much, not even a good combination. But that’s all I have here. Now, if you don’t want it, you can politely decline. If you do want it, don’t worry about messing up the bed,” Felix said as a form of disclaimer, not knowing what to make out of Hyunjin’s inexplicable expression. 

“Oh, don’t worry, I love mixing and matching unhealthy food. Especially at this time of the day. Thanks, by the way.” Hyunjin shakes his head to let Felix know that he doesn’t mind because he’s not picky with food. He slurps a big chunk of noodles and sips coffee from his mug to prove his point. Felix just shakes his head after Hyunjin looked like he was about to puke for a solid minute from mixing the flavors in his mouth at the same time. 

From observing Hyunjin within that time frame, Felix remembers something that has long bothered him. Something that made him despise their situation beneath the facade of hatred he has for Hyunjin that he puts on default even for himself.

Though ever since they last saw each other, not a day went by that Felix didn’t hear a small voice in his head tell him that he wanted to see Hyunjin, anyway. Because he could use a shoulder to cry on, someone who can be strong for him when he fails to do that for himself. After all, Hyunjin has only been a genuine friend he can lean on. Nothing really went bad between the two of them. It’s just that the desire to ease his emotional burden wasn’t ever compelling, because they’re in a gamble with death. Of course, Felix would obey its every order if that means he gets to survive. And if getting Hyunjin out of the equation was the only way, then he shouldn’t want to see him. He doesn’t want to see him.

But this one regret prevails, settling him in a wistful mood as Hyunjin wields chaos right before his sight. It makes him want to inch closer to the intensity that Hyunjin ignites within him, defying the rules that he has imposed on himself. Because it mirrors the same warmth Hyunjin brings.

“Before you get to the twisted reason for breaking into my flat at an ungodly hour and delaying my rest, just—“

“You don’t look like you were about to rest.” Hyunjin interrupted, now munching on a cookie and ruining the atmosphere. Felix smacks his hand on his forehead and runs it down his face in frustration.

“Irrelevant.” Felix rolls his eyes from the personal attack. “As I was saying, just in case you’re not convincing enough and we really end up going separate ways, I want you to know that you’re really important to me. Despite the probable existential threat we pose to each other. So yeah, here’s my promised birthday gift.” 

“I didn’t even… remember that.” Hyunjin was speechless when Felix brought up something that he has long forgotten. He can’t believe that it made such a lasting impact on Felix that he held onto it despite the issue they’re facing. So when Felix stood up and handed him a canvas, Hyunjin just went blank.

“I’ve had it all prepared before, you know, the incident. I didn’t have money and I didn’t know what to give you. So I just… picked something close to my heart that I hope you’d appreciate. That was the painting my professor criticized badly on my birthday. I started seeing it a bit differently after you complimented me the first time we met. I gained confidence about it after we talked about what I went through on my birthday. So I associate that a lot with you. It’s only rightful for you to have it.” Felix scratches the back of his neck, the humiliation of using such words, dripping with honey and the truth, kicking in. 

But even with the blush creeping up the back of his ears, Felix didn’t want to take his words back. Of course he was the one who started playing with fire. He’d have to pretend it doesn’t burn. He’s still terrified of Hyunjin’s opinions on the piece, though. Not because making peace with his insecurities relies on other people. He just doesn’t want to find out that he was merely encouraging him through lies.

But even so, he wanted to let him know how his words help him stand a little bit taller for himself. How he doesn’t ever feel the need to just be at his best or just show up at his worst whenever he’s around him. He can switch between the two. Because really, when are we always whole or always broken? And sometimes he can get a little overwhelmed by how Hyunjin does that, that he flinches. But Hyunjin just makes him want to feel real, not perfect, and that’s something no one has ever done. So he deserves the credit, despite all odds.

“Shouldn’t art cost a whole lot? This is too beautiful to just give away for free, Lix.” Hyunjin doesn’t take his eyes off his present so he doesn’t see Felix muting a screech from the flattering remark.

Hyunjin knows that that’s not the best reply to a belated birthday message, especially after he just did an impromptu discussion of putting money as the least of their concerns for debates. But he just can’t form coherent sentences in complete amusement and bewilderment. And he just can’t fathom how it deserves so much more.

Don’t get him wrong, he knows it’s of emotional significance that Felix gave it to him. And of course he respects that. In fact, he thinks this is the most meaningful gift he’s ever received. He loves the message speaking to him through strokes and colors. And he certainly _loves_ the symbolism their memories together has added into it even more. 

But honestly, if he can paint that well, he’d definitely put it up for auction.

“Yeah, but just fucking take it, Hyunjin. You’ve done a whole lot for me, anyway.” Hyunjin looks up to meet Felix’ stare, and from there he knows he’s lost in the fucking narrative. And maybe in Felix’ eyes, too.

“Thank you, really. I just,” Hyunjin pauses to graze the canvas with his fingers delicately, “wow, this exchange just proves that I really didn’t steal your paintings from you because you gave them to me.”

“Oh my god, I’m taking my gift back. You’re fucking useless, Hwang. You’re the absolute worst!” Hyunjin places the piece on the floor, behind his back, to move it out of Felix’ reach. 

While Hyunjin was in the middle of doing that, Felix pushes him with his foot, being failed by his expectation of getting a proper reaction from the other after the halt in, what seemed like, his tribute. But when the food and drinks that were unsteadily placed on the bed wobbles, they both hold their breaths and awkward positions. It creates a few puddles of stains that’ll probably leave the unit smelly once it’s settled in. But it wasn’t enough for them to change the bedsheet right away. So they slowly fix themselves to avoid rocking the bed to further disaster and to reflect on their actions. Because clearly, there was no room for violence with how they chose to eat on the mattress. 

But apparently, it wasn’t enough to stop Hyunjin from mocking Felix, either.

“Oh hell to the no am I returning that to you, bitch! I am hanging that up in my room. And what did you say? I thought I’ve done a—“

“Shh! Eat your food, it’s gonna get cold.” Felix aggressively puts a cookie in between Hyunjin’s lips, snorting after the scene replayed in his head. They both realize how dumb they must’ve looked— playing around, posing like they’ve been caught red-handed, and acting like nothing happened— that they let out disappointed chuckles for themselves. 

But when the laughter fades and the moment, where they slip back into what they once were, dissipates, Hyunjin glances at Felix. He was unknowingly falling into this agitated expression that Hyunjin knew all too well.

“You don’t wanna talk about it, do you?”

After he had understood what Hyunjin meant, Felix’ initial reaction was to object. So he raised his hand on impulse and opened his mouth to go on a rant. Because he didn’t really have any underlying motive for diverting the topic. All he ever thought about at that moment was the present and how he desperately had to give it to Hyunjin just in case this is going to be another sickening farewell. 

It’s as if Hyunjin wasn’t used to them going in circles before they actually get to what they’re supposed to deliberate about, anyway. Plus, Felix was doing them a favor by organizing the flow of the conversation and maximizing their energy. Because it’d be hard to push through if they talk about emotionally draining first, right? _Well, that just exposes his brain’s deceiving tactic._

“You’re right, I don’t.” Felix lowers his hand and his head in surrender. What a let down to his years of residence in his _own_ body. Because after all this time, a foreign existence, not of his own self, knows him better than he does. 

“That’s understandable. I had my fair share of being deluded by your perspective of the solution, too, you know. But even after that period, I was still reluctant to visit you in the cafe because I know what you were going through. It was only now that I really had the urge to do so because of, well, what happened today. I mean, yesterday. And if we talk about the problem at hand, we’re probably gonna talk about him too. If you’re not ready for that just yet, we can always delay the talk. As long as you promise we’re not having another one of those winter breaks where you go into fucking hibernation.” Hyunjin stoops his head down to match the height and stretches out his pinky finger. Felix laughs in disbelief and swats his hands away.

“I don’t trust myself enough to not disappear on you if something triggers me. So I guess we either fix things or end it once and for all. I just have to stomach this conversation whether I like it or not,” Felix answered, masking some of the bravery he has mustered.

He’s still doubtful he’d back out once he starts to be sucked in by the void lingering around his gut, just waiting to be summoned by the return of feelings overgrown, emotions overlooked. Mostly because it’s been out of his worries for quite a while, since he’s been so caught up with his body being sore from overworking, that he knows when it hits him, it’s over. He’s back to square one.

But it’s only gonna sink in once it’s there. You know, like crossing the bridge when he gets there. Or maybe burning it. Or jumping off of it. Either of the three should work.

“You sure?” Felix clutches onto his bowl of ramen, ready to eat Hyunjin’s persuasion away, while nodding repeatedly. “I don’t know how long I’m gonna take explaining my point but please, no interruptions. Unless you have something to contest or to ask. And please don’t do it every after one sentence.”

“I get it, Hyunjin.” Felix glared at the other, signaling him to just get on with it or else he’s gonna finish his food before he even begins. With unwavering courage, Hyunjin disobeys Felix’ implication and takes his time to sip his coffee.

And although Felix just wants to choke Hyunjin right there and then for testing his patience, he knows he’s fucked when Hyunjin does the talking. Maybe because he knows Hyunjin’s gonna present him with the most logical reasoning and he’ll be blown away, towards siding with him again. Or because he’s sure Hyunjin’s gonna pester him, not taking a step out of his flat or even his bed, until he hands his trust back to him. Or maybe even though he speaks of complete nonsense, Hyunjin has already charmed his way into winning his commitment because he’s just that irresistible to Felix. 

He doesn’t really know which one. And he thinks he’d rather not search for the answer deep down his heart.

“Let me start with the simplest explanation that got me questioning the first time around. I don’t think it should be this easy, solving this mess of living backwards. Not that I’m saying that the universe should take it up a notch—“

“Yeah, I don’t think I’d be able to keep myself intact if they go any further.” Felix commented while chewing loudly, stopping when he realized Hyunjin had his brow raised from being cut off. “My bad, carry on.”

“Okay, so, what was I saying? Oh right, I was referring to the conclusion that we should just get rid of each other and we’d eventually find ourselves falling back to our normal lives. Without any accidents or deaths along the road. It shouldn’t be that easy. I don’t think they’ll just let us slack off in exchange for not dying. That isn’t a fair trade.

“And what I think they want us to do is to fuse our brain cells together and find out whatever it is that your dreams are trying to tell us.

“Now, I’m gonna be transparent with you, and tell you the flaw of this theory right off the bat. Even though this might be the only thing you’ll pay attention to, then decide to throw away everything affiliated with me. Maybe even freak out if you find out I’m breathing within the same city as you. This is me naming worst case scenarios of how you’ll react, okay? Because I don’t want to go through the shock that underestimating your flight reflexes put me in. But yes, in terms of the dream aspect, I haven’t thought of anything that can prove whether your dreams are clues or warnings.

“I know that isn’t much of an assurance. And I’m probably better off not mentioning that to get us back on track. But I want you to know that I want you on-board, not to leech off your dreams or for the sake of company, but because I want to get the both of us out of here. Well, we might have to face a lot of confusion and venture into uncertainties. But at least, we’re together, right? This is sounding like I’m performing reverse psychology on you, I know. This is also getting disgusting, I know. But I hope I got my point across.

“Why do I believe that our proximity does not pose an existential threat to each other, like you said a while ago, if that’s the case, you may ask? Well, I listed all the theories we’ve made. Literally. I wrote it down, word-for-word, so I don’t miss anything. What caught my fancy was the phrase you said that brought us here. And yes, _us._

“Before anything else, I beg of you to not even think of blaming yourself. Just get that mindset off of your head, okay? If I turn out to be correct and what you said really was the reason behind sending us into the future, then I hope you see it as a chance you gave to the both of us. We were being framed into an early, tragic death, Lix. Without us knowing. And you got us out of that setup. So you know, you can either think you’re an angel or you’re a fucking boss for doing that. Just not the one at fault.

“But all the philosophical shit aside, I really don’t recall saying or hinting anything related to death or the future or living backwards. So I thought that maybe you really dragged me here. Not in a bad way, of course. And if you really did, that means the altering requires teamwork. It’s something we have to fix together.”

Somewhere in between Hyunjin’s justification, Felix found himself being swallowed by a minor observation that he downright stopped displaying interest in what Hyunjin was saying. His feelings were messily building up in his throat but he kept chomping on his noodles. It was beyond bearable and he was probably going to choke or puke any second. But in his situation, anything else was better. He just wanted to prevent himself from treading through Hyunjin’s every word, searching for that one thing, even when he didn’t want to listen. Even when he didn’t want to hear what he was looking for. 

But when Hyunjin was still going on, the moment he finished what was slightly holding his sanity in one piece, his panic went off. He started to pat around him, breathing heavily every time his hand didn't touch the comforting material that he was seeking for. And when it did, he started tearing up. 

He knows it’s ridiculous, how his emotions don't need much nudging before it gives itself away. It’s always so shallow, through everyone else’s perspective of how he manifests it on trivial things. And if he could witness what he was doing right now, he’d probably make fun of himself too. Or maybe he could do that just by picturing himself. 

Laugh while crying. Cry while laughing. Because that’s all he could do. He might as well be branded as a lunatic from how the shards that cut him deep drive him crazy. His resentments towards the world aren’t gonna disappear, anyway. But he just knows to himself that breakdowns like this has always meant he’s been putting it off for so long. 

Hyunjin, on the other hand, had to tap Felix to break him out of his daze of toying with a mysterious ice cream sandwich wrapper. He really didn’t want to, but he had to check if he was okay. Well, if he had to guess, he knew he wasn’t. But he needs a signal to know if they were still fit for proceeding.

“What are we even supposed to change, Hyunjin? Chan-hyung… he found out how he died. He told me that he lived a life outside what it once was, too. That means he didn’t even come close to encountering what was supposed to kill him. Because he revamped everything,” Felix questioned when he regained his senses. 

It came naturally, asking about Chan, though he knows Hyunjin tried his best not to mention him for his sake. It’s just inevitable when it’s the reason his mind paid attention to everything Hyunjin blabbered about, even when he was rebuking himself for doing so.

But contrary to the chaos he was imagining in his head, his voice came out small but steady. And that wasn’t pretty much himself. Maybe it was the shrinking feeling of talking about something that went along with the rapid passing of time. Maybe it was the calm before the storm. But one thing’s for sure. Both of them were dreading the uproar that comes after an eerie silence.

“I think it’s deep-rooted. Something beneath that brought us to that circumstance that wouldn’t be that easy to uncover,” Hyunjin answered after thinking about Felix’ rebuttal. He raises his bowl of ramen towards Felix’ direction, seeing how devouring it must’ve been his coping mechanism. The other just ignored his offer as an answer.

“Why did he have to be alone for two fucking years, then? If this was a fucking collaboration then they should’ve gave him someone to be with. It’s so fucking unfair,” Felix complained, his voice faintly above a whisper despite his choice of words. 

“Maybe his was a different case, Lix. Or,” Hyunjin mindlessly reached out to caress Felix’ hand, as if hushing his already soft voice, “I’m sorry to ask this, I just wanna help, can you tell me what else he told you so I can, maybe, try to figure it out?”

“He said the same thing you did about the other us, you know? It was an expounded explanation, much different from your usual rambling. But I don’t really, uh, remember much except feeling… helpless that night. I guess you’ve figured it out that when I told you that he vanished, that means he reached his left off date? And the same thing, it’ll happen to us once we reach ours,” Felix said with a hint of fondness embedded within the blues that coat his reply. 

Hyunjin nodded, not wanting to leave Felix hanging while he was analyzing the information he had gathered. He isn’t quite prepared to put a conclusion to it just yet so he focuses on answering his last statement.

“Yeah. Reminded me of that time you told me that we’d end up with no time left if we let our guard down. You were right all along.” Hyunjin pressed Felix’ hand, noticing just then that his hand hasn’t left ever since he’s placed it there. He flashes him a smile, somewhere between a consoling one and one in gratitude of Felix’ words. Because it got him out of the mindset Felix has once called out.

And this predicament they’re trapped in, Hyunjin could say that it’s the strongest proof that time really is a predator overlooked by majority. Maybe often perceived, but always disregarded. But if there was one thing he had learned, even with the obvious lack of time in their situation, it was that taking a rest is never a waste. Which was why he didn’t bother Felix for weeks. Sure, time doesn’t heal anything, it only puts you in an endless loop of anticipating the day when everything that hurts stops. But the truth is, they don’t ever go away. And that’s what you need a pause for, every now and then, to pick yourself up. To ready yourself for withstanding the days of pain. Until such time you can relive how it felt, to reminisce how it taught you to stand up.

Though, Felix is now feeling the opposite of appreciating the time they spent apart. 

“I was…”

To be fair, he knows he was in a better state compared to _that_ day, two months ago. When he didn’t even want to try to make it out alive, his last string of hope tied to Chan’s passing. When he didn’t even recognize how selfish that must be for Chan and Hyunjin. How unfair that must be for _himself,_ the person who he has abused the most, beating himself for not reaching the expectations he has set but not even treating himself properly, enough to give himself a shot at life. 

But now that Hyunjin has reminded him of something he has said himself, it was like a mass of realization sinking further on top of his heart. It was constricting his heartbeat in a certain manner that ironically produces the feeling of burdens of wrong interpretations being lifted off his shoulders. Because the distaste for regrets he thought he had developed the day he decided to throw away whatever progress they made turned out to be wrong. And as the surroundings seem to resonate with the hollowness he feels by muting everything at earshot, it dawns on him that he wasn’t saving himself at all. He was setting himself up for his own downfall. He was losing the chase again by fleeing from time, when it was running out before his sight. All because the hopelessness he thought he had overcame disguised itself as a temporary solution to his reality.

Meanwhile, Hyunjin, constantly under the stress of not knowing when he’s allowed to butt in on Felix’ pondering, pokes Felix’ hand before speaking, as if asking for permission.

“I mean, Felix, this isn’t some marketing strategy, because, obviously, I’m not selling myself to you. But don’t you think we owe it to him to find answers? And by now, I hope you believe we can’t do that alone. Because I reckon that the only way we can avoid ceasing to exist is to solve it together. And I’m sure as much as he didn’t want himself to end up that way, he didn’t want you to repeat his fate, you know?” 

“You’ve gotten even more talkative,” Felix criticized, alarming Hyunjin to recall if he’s said something wrong. He guesses that Felix thinks he was faking it. 

But ever since he escaped the theory that held them back from doing what had to be done, he made it a point to include Chan in their mission. Even though Hyunjin really didn’t get to meet him, he was more than an eye opener, more than business to him. He has always seen him as someone whose life they had to honor and whose sufferings they had to make sure will pay off. And adding the fact that every time the memory of Felix’ bloodshot eyes flashes in his mind, he feels a pang in his chest, he just knows he has to do it for the person Felix cared for dearly.

What he doesn’t know is that Felix was about to lose it from the flashbacks that came rushing to him, from the voice that replays the exact same words. Hyunjin just hit a weak spot because those were Chan’s last words to him.

“Well, I don’t talk to a lot of people. When I do, I tend to overshare useless things. And you’re one of the selected few who puts up with me. It just so happened that I was Lix-deprived for the past few months that I’m spilling words here and there.” Hyunjin just went along with it, answering truthfully. Felix lets out a whimper from the absence of a filter in Hyunjin’s mouth. And it’s just feeding him with more reasons to cry.

“You really don’t blame me, do you? No sugarcoating?” Hyunjin was confused, of course, from the sound Felix made and the sudden change in topic. But it was the confirmation Felix was waiting for before he believes in Hyunjin again and probably before he bursts out crying.

“I promise,” Hyunjin reassured him sincerely. Though he stretches out his pinky finger as a joke, to lighten things up. 

Felix rejects it the second time during those short-lived hours after midnight. He does it by clearing up the tableware in between the both of them and hurriedly placing it on the bedside table. And Hyunjin still doesn’t know what was going on but he restricts himself from sticking his nose on the reason when he sees stray tears drop on the mattress. 

After that, he turns to Hyunjin with a pout on his face, shifting towards his direction and wrapping his arms around him. 

“I’m sorry, your hoodie will probably end up soaking wet but I just really need to cry. And I really need a hug,” Felix apologized, his tears still hesitant to flow like the catastrophic dam failure it’s awaiting to be ever since the start of Hyunjin’s elaboration.

“Felix, I spilled food and drinks on your bed. Stop worrying about drenching my clothes with eye water and snot,” Hyunjin scolded.

“You can’t call tears _eye water_ , stupid,” Felix slaps his back, laughter of annoyance morphing into wailing cries while Hyunjin was coughing from the force inflicted. Hyunjin squirms his arms out of Felix’ embrace to return the solace of a warm cuddle he only had once before everything turned out the way they are now. 

As he places one hand on the small of Felix’ back and entangles the other in his hair, he reminds himself to do this more often. Because it has been the only thing that can rock him to a stable feeling, that can alleviate something he hasn’t realized as clouding in his thoughts. And if that’s the case for him, then it should be a great relief for Felix, right? It’s the only way he can avenge him, anyway, by giving him the rest the world doesn’t want him to have. Because even after wondering how the universe can be so cruel, letting those innocent eyes be tainted by sadness, Hyunjin can’t do much about it. Except give him the support he needs. The support he deserves.

Felix tightens his grip on Hyunjin’s hoodie as he lets himself be consumed by the dark pit of lies that he’s dug for himself. One of which the extent deepens every time he has told himself that it’s not okay. But he’s enduring it, so it’s fine. He can bear with it, right? _Wrong._ Because as he continues to huff out tears he thought has long dried after getting used to the exhaustion, he knows he can’t live with it anymore. 

But after landing on the day he’s supposed to die after screaming into the skies that not existing would be much easier than what they put him through, he can’t help but value even the hardest of times. Because at least he’s breathing. It’s not a dead end just yet. He still has somewhere to be for tomorrow. But what is he supposed to do when the coming days don't even give him hope? Is it just gonna be a never-ending spiral of walking around, holding a false sense of indebtedness for feeling lifeless? 

But at the end of the day, they’re all meaningless thoughts and questions as he collapses on the bottom of his own pity, blames, grief, fears, problems and all of those things that impel his chest to weigh heavier every single time. That safely dock his panting sobs to announce the crack of dawn. 

And after hours and hours of bawling his eyes out, Felix slowly takes his arms off Hyunjin’s frame, with sentiments still lurking in the corners of his mind but emotions now down to sniffling. He acknowledges that admitting that he’s hurting is the worst part of the process. It leaves you in ruins. But somehow, it was better than seeking for a distraction to avoid an apprehended mayhem, even when he knows it’s coming either way. It’s like confiding to destruction. And quite possibly, the spawn of destruction itself, Hwang Hyunjin, with no words needed.

“Can I tell you something? Just a shot in the dark to make you the least bit hopeful.” Hyunjin asked, voice low from being unable to speak for long. “Yesterday, I was in the hospital and I found some nurses checking on a patient in an empty ward. Like how I saw myself being revived the day I was supposed to die. Except the patient doesn’t look like he’s dying, they were just probably monitoring him. But he wasn’t there. So I thought maybe he’s like us, too. Then I came rushing to you so we can talk to him.”

Hyunjin holds both of Felix’ hands and swings his arms softly, treating him with caution after he had just witnessed the vulnerability he’s been suppressing for so long. But after a few minutes of playing along with Hyunjin to calm himself down, Felix paws his tears away and stands up.

“Come on.”

“ _Come on_ what?” Hyunjin looked up to Felix, literally and figuratively, as the other fixed himself in the mirror and grabbed a few layers of clothing. As if nothing happened.

“Let’s go to that guy,” Felix declared, eyes trained on the door, ready to leave without the intent of taking a shower. Though his stench is probably insufferable from a day of juggling work shifts and a night of dealing with feelings.

“No, Felix, we don’t have to do that today,” Hyunjin disagrees. Because he wasn’t implying that they should waltz in the hospital at all. 

Not because he thinks Felix is still fragile to do so, of course. Felix is the strongest person he’s ever met, he’s certain about that fact after being verified by what occurred today. Though he has known it all along. But really, Felix could use some sleep, judging from the dark circles he’s harboring under his eyes. And Hyunjin can’t even stand up from the cramps in his legs after being in a prolonged uncomfortable position.

“I don’t wanna waste another day, though,” Felix reasoned out, sitting on the edge of the bed when he noticed Hyunjin wasn’t moving at all. In fact, he’s taking advantage of the space and lying down as if he was at home.

But if he had to roll Hyunjin off the mattress to get the both of them out of his flat as soon as possible, then that’s what he’s going to do. Because he’s learned his lesson. Hopefully, for the better this time. That they don’t have the luxury of time, anyone who lives the same way as them, if there were still any. No sense of direction from lack of knowledge either. They’re each other’s only compass that they can depend on. So they have to come to his aid and give him the rescuing he needs. And they have to do that today. Because Felix is not about to repeat a last minute hello and goodbye.

“Well, okay, it’s your call anyway. But can we at least have another round of coffee to let this dry for a while?” Hyunjin requested, pointing to the fabric that could probably wring out more than a glass of water. Though he had already understood what was bugging Felix to visit the stranger right away.

“You’re such a pain in the ass,” Felix protested while yawning. Though he still makes the beverage and refills their mugs, knowing he owes it to Hyunjin for being the life-sized version of the pillow he usually submerges with tears. 

He hands a mug to Hyunjin and cups the other between his hands. He closes his eyes in relaxation, dragging an inhale in an attempt to cure his now runny nose with the aroma. He assumes that he’s gonna have to make amends with sitting there for quite a while. Because now that they’ve settled down, Hyunjin will probably start reporting what Felix has missed in his life. At least up until they finish their coffee and Felix demands that they should head out.

“To seizing the future of the past days?” Hyunjin proposes a toast as he marvels at the sight that makes him so incredibly proud and determined. Felix flutters his eyes open, only to cringe from Hyunjin’s dramatic wordplay and gesture. But he clinks the glass with a smile on his face, anyway.

“To seizing the future of the past days,” Felix echoed. Because that’s what he wishes for, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> at this point, felix is just crying every chapter hh got carried away with projecting myself
> 
> but aaaaaaa im sorry i couldnt update sooner :(( hopefully i could put out the next one in a few days :((
> 
> anyway, we’re halfway through (i hope, its getting longer than expected) and i just wanna say that i know i’ve said that this is a self-indulgent fic, so im more of training myself or pleasing myself with what i write,, however!! ur comments/feedbacks, kudos and even just ur reads really make me happy and motivated. if that makes any sense,, 
> 
> so yeah just... thank you for still reading and i hope u enjoyed this one :D


	8. how he wrote to the sun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: unhealthy(?) perception of death

Felix tried his hardest— going along with Hyunjin’s stories, telling some of his own, blasting full volume music, and even helping Hyunjin eat while he was driving— just so he doesn’t fall asleep. He’s always hated even just the thought of napping while traveling. Partly because he’d miss the view. Mostly because there’s this growing anxiety that if he surrenders to the persisting call of closing his eyes, he might get into an accident and never wake up again. And it’s creepy how he later found out that it’s somewhat a premonition of how he’s supposed to die.

But now that he’s released all of the bad feelings that’s been hindering him from getting a good night’s sleep into a particular outlet, namely Hyunjin’s hoodie, his body just lost all its strain, making him awfully drowsy. So even though he wants to keep himself awake just so Hyunjin doesn’t feel tempted to doze off too, he caves in to rewarding himself a decent rest.

It doesn’t pay off, though, when he feels a headache kicking in the moment his eyes start to pick up a faint light and a rather intense darkness surrounding him. It’s the type that he gets when he attempts to insert the bare minimum hours of sleep after running without any for days on end. Crying beforehand probably wasn’t the best addition to that fact, either.

“You’re not gonna murder me here, are you?” Felix said, barely aware of the words coming out of his mouth. His eyes were back to being closed after peeking at where they were parked and failing to recognize the place. 

“I can’t believe I’m still a murderer to you after everything we’ve been through.” Hyunjin went along with Felix’ unconscious talking, still devouring the unholy amount of food they stocked when they stopped by a convenience store. 

“I’m just kidding.” Felix slapped Hyunjin’s hand playfully, sending Hyunjin into a fit of laughter because Felix sounds and acts like he’s drunk. “Though, you really are. You technically drove us into that accident.” 

Silence from Hyunjin’s end washed over Felix like a bucket of cold water, jolting him back to his senses and hitting him with the shameful reality that he’s always on the problematic side of their relationship. He chokes out an apology, determined to change himself from then on, but his dry throat betrays him. Along with the overlapping roar of the engine, only being turned off just then after Hyunjin allowed Felix to sleep for almost an hour.

“I know. And you don’t have to be guilty about saying that. It’s the reality of the situation, anyway. I should’ve prioritized keeping my focus on the road despite everything else. It’s my responsibility as a driver. Every now and then, I think and reflect about it. That we wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t been careless. But let’s not talk about it, okay?” Hyunjin turned to Felix, flipped the hand that was resting on top of his own and pressed it gently.

“I’m sorry, really, I—“

“Shh, I don’t feel bad or anything. I’m just not comfortable talking about it. Don’t get caught up with it. I don’t like seeing you sad,” Hyunjin interrupted immediately after he felt Felix’ grip tightening. He wanted to bring it up so it doesn’t occur again in the future. But he certainly isn’t ruining Felix’ day, after he‘s merely any better, over something he hasn’t decided how to perceive himself.

Because more than the thought harming him whenever it crosses his mind, it plays tricks with his mind. Sometimes he’d blame himself for causing the accident. Though he knows he’s not the only one at fault. He just can’t help but think that if he avoided letting his emotions get the best of him, they wouldn’t go through the anguish of knowing that their life would slip away from them the moment time runs out. 

On the other hand, he kind of feels indignant. It’s quite unfair to brand yourself as the culprit for something that you haven’t even done. Though he’s not eliminating the probability of him messing up big time, still, it induces that feeling you get when your parents had your future laid down right in front of you. It’s like being put on a pedestal of a fabricated destiny and he can’t retreat.

Judging which one is valid between the two, if you’d ask him, is plainly impossible. Truth seems like it should lie only in one of those statements, but there’s a hint of it within both of them. It’s all just a matter of perspective. And Hyunjin doesn’t like dwelling on something that doesn’t give a certain answer. So hearing Felix acknowledge that he made an insensitive remark was fair enough for his rather complicated feelings.

Felix, on the other hand, gauged the situation in silence, practically staring into Hyunjin’s soul. He wondered if he should read between the lines and ask Hyunjin what’s troubling him, just like what the other always does to him. It’d definitely be nice to return Hyunjin’s kindness. But if he had to cater Hyunjin’s personality, he’d have to conclude that Hyunjin meant what he said literally. So he proceeds to distract Hyunjin from the topic.

“Okay then. How about we, uh, go inside now?” Felix suggested awkwardly, getting out of the car at lightning speed. He stops in front of the hood, though, just when he realizes he doesn’t know where he’s supposed to go. 

“You had one job, Lee. Why does everyone almost always flunk the whole  _ act normal _ act?” Hyunjin snickered, playing with his keys as he got out of his car. Felix instantly felt comfortable with their atmosphere again. Which isn’t all that great because the adrenaline from getting away from the tension was fading into the headache he just can’t escape. 

“For people like you who are terrific ice-breakers to put your skills into good use and save others from humiliation,” Felix complimented, chuckling at the absurd turn of their conversation. The vibration suddenly projects a pounding in his head, making him want to rip it open. Well, at least violently tug his hair out of his scalp to appease the pain.

“Ah, I’m flattered. Though I’m already used to being overall terrific. It’s getting kind of bland, honestly,” Hyunjin bragged. Then, much different from the arrogant upfront, he humbly bows to offer his arm to Felix for assistance. Unfortunately, he gets a smack on the arm in return for his conceited reply and dramatic skit.

But Hyunjin was quick to link his arms around Felix’ free one. Felix’ headache wasn’t all that serious, though. He can still walk straight, without feeling like he’s going to pass out after every step. He  _ thinks.  _ Or maybe even  _ hopes.  _ But he ended up letting Hyunjin guide him across, what he has now figured, the parking lot of the premises, towards the elevator. And to say that the ride going up felt like a trip to hell, if only if it was downwards, was a complete understatement. So Felix just closed his eyes the entire time, admitting to himself that he’s going to need Hyunjin like his right hand if he wants to make it through alive. 

Once he heard the long awaited  _ ping  _ that would signal that they had reached the floor Hyunjin pressed, his eyes automatically surveyed the interior of the hospital. Then came the confusion as he set his foot out of the elevator, wanting to check if his eyes weren’t deceiving him. And the next thing he knew, he was gulping down the haunting nostalgia creeping up his throat.

“Are you sure this is the right place?” Felix clarified, tapping Hyunjin’s arm continuously. 

“Yeah, well,” Felix snapped his head towards Hyunjin’s direction, expecting him to say that it wasn’t, because they both look like they didn’t want to move from where they were standing, “I’m a hundred percent sure this is it. But can you go ahead of me? It’s that room right there.”

Hyunjin looked nervous, slightly hiding behind Felix’ back, while pointing to a door that was a few meters away from them. And needless to say, that wasn’t very much like him, making Felix more doubtful if they can accomplish they’re agenda for today. 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Felix tried to remain calm. At least, to his watered down version of it. 

Coincidence was forcing him to face something the past he’s yet to recover from by betting a life at stake. Of course he’s giving himself permission to either be pissed or sulky. Putting up with life’s bullshit all the time is unhealthy, after all. But considering the number of times he has been led to fucking up by his emotions, he instructs himself to handle the issue with a clear mind.

“You see, I know the guy outside of this fate. Though we’re not on speaking terms. I just  _ know  _ him. Seeing him around, that kind of level. And apart from the fact that it freaks me out that we always just pass by each other before, not knowing we’d end up meeting because of a forlorn change of events, he really  _ really  _ intimidates me.” Hyunjin explained with a serious, terrified expression, making Felix glare at him dead in the eye. “I’m fucking serious. And for the record, he’s the son of one of my Mom’s superiors. I don’t really meddle with the hierarchy in the institution, but I’m pretty sure his Dad holds a position of high power. That’s a plus factor to his aura basically screaming that he’s untouchable.”

“How about you just pretend that you’re this rich bitch who doesn’t give a fuck this one time?” Felix proposed. With a half teasing, half begging smile, he places his elbow on Hyunjin’s shoulder.

“Didn’t you hear me? He’s this ice cold bitch who’s far richer than me!” Hyunjin gave Felix a desperate look. Felix wasn’t about to back down, though. He mirrored the same pleas that glitter Hyunjin’s eyes. But the longer he studied them, the more he felt enchanted. So accepting his defeat, Felix just opted to do it for him.

He shoved Hyunjin away jokingly, sighing as he practically dragged his feet along the hallway. With every breath came an intensifying pull on his heart, as if he was inhaling an overwhelming amount of unwelcome memories. He thinks he would’ve been fine if they visited any other section of the establishment. The worst he would’ve felt was the bittersweet taste of recollections. He spent his late childhood to early teenage years sneaking around every possible hiding spot in this hospital, anyway, challenging himself to not get caught and to find the place where he could channel his inner peace the most. But trudging through the exact floor where he lost the person he loved the most is a different story. It’s just pure torture.

He managed to arrive in front of the ward in question, anyway, after, without any exaggeration, the longest minute of his life. Right there, an expansive yet unoccupied space was all he could see. So after waiting if he’d come out of the bathroom or something and losing his patience, Felix marches back to where Hyunjin was. 

“Lix, we can’t back out just because we’re both scared of him,” Hyunjin reasoned out while Felix was aggressively pressing the up button repeatedly.

“We’re finding him, he’s not there.” Felix said, hauling Hyunjin in when the elevator door opened. “You must either be really frightened by him or really shitty at dealing with all-nighters to act like this. Come on, I thought you were overall terrific.”

“It’s not my fault for being clueless about why you strode back to my direction with certainty plastered on your face, which I don’t even see that often, because you didn’t even say a word before you start pushing these buttons as if you’ve memorized this place like the back of your hand.” Hyunjin had his brows furrowed, still incredibly puzzled with what was happening. 

“I’m just taking a wild guess,” Felix shrugged his way through a white lie. He didn’t want to mention that he’s familiar with the hospital, not ready to talk about it yet, because everything comes with it, the good and the bad. But he does have a hunch on where the seemingly mischievous patient would be at this time of the day.

After they vacate the platform, Felix tows Hyunjin with him, walking straight and turning a few corners. And when the view of the outdoor garden Felix intended for them to check unfolds before his sight, Hyunjin had to cover his mouth in amusement. He rushed to the glass that was separating them from the soothing greens blanketed by snow on the other side, regretting all instances of him obeying his Mom’s orders of staying inside her office, within the floor or at the cafeteria.

Felix finds him like a kid he has to babysit again. But he can’t blame him for being attracted by the magnetic effect the scenery has. It had always lured him whenever he felt sad, never getting tired of the healing it provides because it always feels like it’s his first time there. And unlike the bigger version of it outside the ground floor, getting in needed special access. But through weeks of figuring out, he had found a secret passage, granting him the privilege to often be just by himself. 

He’d stand by the ledge, looking into the picturesque cityscape and claiming it under his control, for days when he wanted to believe that he was headed towards big things. That he could exceed limits because he was already doing great. Or he’d sit by the bench, close to the dainty flowers of spring, to feel like he’s lost in nature, for days when he dreamt of a mundane life. To remind himself that he doesn’t always have to try hard because he’s gonna lose himself to his ambition. But with whichever assurance he craved to ask for, he had always been fond of the breeze. It made him feel lightweight, free from everything, as the wind took it all away from him.

And it’d honestly be helpful at that moment. So he grabs Hyunjin by the hood of his clothes, towards the entrance.

“I am beyond impressed, really. At this point, you could be an expert thief and I would suspect, but I’d rather applaud you,” Hyunjin praised as he scanned the vicinity, though still behind the door.

“Shh, you’re too loud for places like this. Is that the guy?” Felix pointed to a figure he can barely make out because of Hyunjin’s head blocking his view.

“I think so.” Hyunjin affirmed after tilting his body to get a closer look. “His name is Kim Seungmin, by the way. I think I should disclose that since we’re about to talk to him.”

Felix tiptoed, putting his hands on Hyunjin’s shoulders for support. Now that the stranger’s identity was revealed, his curiosity started climbing to its peak. He observes the guy, urged to prove Hyunjin’s probably unreliable prejudice of him wrong. Finding the banana milk carton he always bought from the vending machine nearby their subject of interest is in possession of, though, has persuaded Felix into already liking the guy.

“He looks like a kind person to me. You’re just mean.” Felix propped his chin on one of his hands resting on Hyunjin’s shoulder. Hyunjin clicked his tongue in disbelief, ready to dare Felix into a physical fight if only he didn’t have a headache.

“I don’t trust your standards for  _ kind  _ people. All you see is their side profile and you already call them  _ kind _ just because they’re not  _ Hwang Hyunjin, _ ” Hyunjin whispered angrily, making Felix snort because of the accuracy. Though Felix doesn’t actually know either, why Hyunjin just made his blood boil when they first met. 

Aside from the first thing he told him, of course. That’s just infuriating. Which now, gives him a perfect idea.

“Don’t call him Kim fucking Seungmin, okay?”

“You’re fucking useless.” Hyunjin slides to the side in revenge, making Felix lose balance. And as he tumbles in front of Hyunjin, Felix exposes his presence to their target.

Felix could see, from his peripheral vision, that the guy had his head turned towards his direction, probably questioning how the fuck he got in or how the fuck he fell down by himself. But he had his eyes fixated on Hyunjin, not even mad at what he did or anxious for approaching a stranger, just communicating an  _ I don’t even know what to say  _ in panic. 

Hyunjin just menacingly nods, prompting him to go with whatever. Meeting new people doesn’t really go well with him. You’d think it does from when he first met Felix, with him being such a smooth talker. It doesn’t really matter to him, how he interacts with someone. But the receiving end will almost always think that it’s a flop of an introduction. An annoying one, to be precise. So he gave the job to Felix. And he’d probably settle with the mess the other’s going to create than manage his own.

“Hi,” Felix greeted the second he regarded Hyunjin as good for nothing.

“Hello?” 

From his answer, Felix sensed that they probably shouldn’t raise skepticism for him to trust them. So he gestured towards the space beside him, giving Hyunjin the  _ I’m gonna do the talking but stay here  _ look.

“You’re living backwards, aren’t you?” Felix began, immediately seeing that the other was feigning signs of being invested. He acknowledges the clever reaction, finally getting a grasp of what Hyunjin meant. 

In the case that Felix and Hyunjin were frauds, it’s a power move, how he wasn’t swindled into giving away information. He instead kept his ears perked up for what’s about to be told. You could say that Felix is amazed, though, more than anything. The collected composure is such a fresh contrast after he’s gotten used to Hyunjin’s impulse to retort or poke fun at him. 

_ Or am I the one who’s like that to him?  _

He doesn’t even know. Their antics must’ve mixed along their friendship. All he knows for sure is that Hyunjin’s the one who never shuts up.

“You’re doing great, sweetie. Keep it up,” Hyunjin mocked Felix, announcing his appearance behind him. It pays off as he witnesses the duality of Felix smiling at Seungmin while discreetly hitting him on the thigh.

“I understand the reluctance, especially because there’s no way we could have known something unimaginable to humanity, unless we’re responsible for it or we’re going through the same thing. I think we’d all go for the former, but I’ll let you know that fate has gathered us here because of the latter. 

“Now, my friend here, Hyunjin, his Mom works here and he noticed the same patterns of invisibility to acquaintances, unless you talk to them, when he passed by your ward yesterday. Assuming that we’re one and the same here, we came to your aid. Though we’re still lost on how this works, too, we figured it’s much better to solve things together. So do you mind? If, you know, we ask you questions and share what we know so far?”

Felix waits for Seungmin’s response, maintaining the distance while the sound of sipping the last of the beverage through a straw fills the air. Seungmin grabs some pillows, paddings and blankets neatly arranged beside him on the bench and throws it on the ground. 

“You can sit on top of those. I hope you’re fine with it, despite the weather, yeah?” Seungmin positions himself on one of the cushions, with Felix and Hyunjin following him shyly. “Kim Seungmin. You are?”

“Felix Lee.” Felix glanced at Hyunjin to assess whether he should do the honor of introducing him. “He’s Hwang Hyunjin.”

“I’ve got the strangers, acquaintances and close people thing down. Tell me something I don’t know,” Seungmin demanded, shutting down the courage to talk that Hyunjin has tried to muster. It takes Felix by surprise, not used to cutting to the chase, but he still doesn’t think the other is being rude. Not when he’s distributing banana milk cartons.

“I’m gonna have to ask you something first. How long have you been living backwards and from when did you come from?” Felix interrogated, causing Seungmin to frown. So for the duration the other took in contemplating why those dates are relevant in the first place, Felix had his breathing on hold, chanting an almost ritualistic prayer for the heavens to bestow an ample amount of time for Seungmin.

“I’ve been here since the 3rd of January. And my last day from the present was the same date from last year. Why?” Seungmin deflects a query of his own. 

Hyunjin, who has had his head down the whole time, nods to himself. Though Seungmin has no direct impact towards it, he thanks him for stopping the mysterious fidgeting he has been watching Felix do on, what he swore was, the same ice cream sandwich wrapper he saw earlier that day. And for being a prospect redeeming factor for Felix, someone he could see out of this fate.

He nods in musing, too, noticing that Seungmin’s, Chan’s, and his and Felix’ joint case, though not really years apart from each other, encompasses different time periods. All of a sudden, he wonders what kind of tricks they will encounter once all of this is over, for the sake of untangling the flow of time.

“Well, I don’t know if you’ve already figured out any of this, but, the day we got here, in the future, is the day we’re supposed to die. The day we left off is kind of like our deadline of fixing the ill-fate we’re destined for. When we reach that day, well… we, uh, just… disappear. Because we can’t coexist with our past selves. And they’re living in the right time period, so we’re the ones who have to go. With that said, the other you people are acting around is just a filler for other people’s lives, by the way. It’s to give way for your existence in a wrong time period,” Felix summarized the best way he can. More like the way he wished it went when Hyunjin broke the news to him— in decreasing degree of importance, not when he just felt like telling it— so he would have not been provoked to retaliate worse than appropriate.

However, after the silence from Seungmin’s end was replaced by the sound of opening yet another carton from his immeasurable supply of banana milk, unfazed by the information, Felix declared his extra effort unnecessary.

“Well, I certainly didn’t know that,” Seungmin slurred with a straw between his teeth. He looks past the rail and into the horizon, creating this cinematic effect that makes Felix want to give him the quiet he needs until he’s ready to speak again. The straight face, though, contradicts him.

“How are you putting up with it?” Felix goes for it, flashing a sympathetic smile since he can’t be sure of the other’s feelings yet. “You can tell me what’s on your mind if you want to.”

If Seungmin was going to be frank, spilling what immediately bothered his otherwise stable state of mind amidst the equally disturbing fate, he’d say that he was thinking of what it’s like after you’ve been devoid of a beating heart, fascinatingly the only barrier that isolate us from perpetual repose until the living realm has gone sick of our existence to let us go. Though his heart was never actually on a par with the required functionality. 

He’s quite mesmerized by the concept of death and all its entailing events. He’s aware that it’s a crime towards societal norms of seeing it as a threat. Because that’s what it really is. Even he, himself, dread its coming. But he’d always find himself asking, when exactly does the struggle to bear the pain shift to the embrace of an eerie numbness? Will he even live a few seconds longer to recognize that shift? Do souls really exist? If it doesn’t, do we just continue our existence as unknowing corpses, rotting away and flourishing earthly life with our remains? If it does, where do they go? Does afterlife exist? Do we just stay there for an eternity and be fine with it? Or do we get reincarnated with uncanny ignorance towards the horrors of our past lives, the one we’ve rewritten and the ones that still torment? Are we all just old souls, still looking for the meaning of life, despite being under the curse of repeating it over and over again?

Death draws him into hours of listing his questions like those on the ceiling of his ever so boring room, what he’d like to call the  _ stargazing for restricted conditions.  _ And maybe what makes it so appealing was his innate love for the untold. Or maybe because it was the only way out of the entrapment bogging him down, being born again his only hope to live a normal life.

But of course he wasn’t about to empty his out of place ruminations to the two people who are fighting for their lives too.

“Honestly, the dying early part doesn’t come as a shock. No offense to however you both felt about it when you found out, but I’ve been in the hospital for most of my life. So I prepare myself every night that I might not wake up the next day, you know? Obviously, I don’t want that to happen. But when you’re like me you don’t exactly expect to live a long life anymore.

“I want to put things back in order, though. I know doing that won’t restore me back to good health or something. Hell, it might even delay my death for just a day. But I don’t wanna die in silence, that’s just… sad.”

Seungmin said instead. It’s not a lie, though. It isn’t easy to part with the world without anyone to hear your goodbye. He would say it’s a minor concern in the back of his head right now, along with the guilt of abusing his new found freedom when he got here in the future. If he just paid enough attention to his surroundings, he would’ve found out that it was the day of his death, not just some random date. 

“Now that you’ve mentioned that, let me just lay it down that no one ever told us that we get to live longer when we break free from this. What if we do avoid how we’re originally supposed to die but still die the same day? Or maybe they allowed us to know when we’re supposed to die so we could alter whatever we have to alter, make the most of the time we have left and not just sit around doing nothing, so we could die without regrets,” Hyunjin blurted out without much thought after pondering for quite a while.

“This is the first time you opened your mouth in this conversation and I’m already liking how you think.” Seungmin raised his hand for a high five. Hyunjin, honored to receive such praise because of something he didn’t even mean seriously and from someone he thinks highly of, covered his mouth in shock, bowed his head and went for it with a light touch. 

“If this is one of your living in the moment suggestions again, then you already know what I have to say.” Felix shakes his head at Hyunjin’s audacity to take him back under his wing then say shit like that.

Hyunjin, on the other hand, is just glad that the tables have turned and Felix is back to being the one who lectures about the importance of time. So he expresses it the only way he knows how.

“That’s not what I meant. I’m just proposing what could possibly occur so we have a wide spectrum of predictions. I don’t want us to end up being frustrated that we didn’t get our expected outcome just because we didn’t read deep into it,” Hyunjin partly defended himself and mostly taunted Felix.

“But if you keep that mindset, how are you gonna be motivated to get out of here?”

“You have to agree that it’s plausible, though. It would make leaving this fate less compelling, if that’s the case, of course. But if that’s the reality we have to face, then so be it. Reality isn’t always that pleasant, is it?” Seungmin argued. He thinks it could happen, especially if he takes into account his deteriorating health, since external forces outside the scope of their respective conflicts are out of their control. After all, death is inevitable. It’s not like they get to be immortals as an award for surviving. 

Meanwhile, Hyunjin just smirked to himself when Seungmin took the bait, which he didn’t even see coming, and did the most of his job for him. So he just basks in the glory of seeing Felix lift his drink, with the straw pointing at them as if it was some kind of weapon, because of his evil doing.

“Pull your head out of your asses if you even believed for a millisecond that that could happen. Do you think they’d put us through all this trouble to let us die the same day or the same way?” Felix snatches another carton from Seungmin’s pile, purposely making a scene to emphasize his anger. 

Seungmin didn’t mind. 

And well, Hyunjin, he strongly agrees with Felix’ assert this time, but he just looked at Felix with disbelief for the banana milk obsession he shares with the patient. It defeats him how that must be how Seungmin got on his good side without even trying.

“I mean, some of the theories we’ve made based on patterns, analysis and even gut feeling were validated later on. So you really can’t talk down on my ideas like that.” Hyunjin met Felix’ eyes while saying his counterargument, giving himself away with the seemingly constipated smile he can’t help but flash at him.

“How did you validate them when we’re all stuck here, though?” Seungmin asked innocently. 

Felix, being Felix, wanting to protect Seungmin from whatever sharp remark or another scamming scheme, answered him before Hyunjin could.

“Through,” Felix paused, realizing what he got himself into, “someone I, uh… like us, who, uh… happened to end up… you know, gone...”

“Oh… I’m sorry about that.” 

“It’s fine.” Felix consoled their thrown off expressions with a chuckle. After finishing his sentence, he, honest to god, felt nothing at all. It may be momentarily, though, so he’d appreciate the intervention of just about anyone.

As if conspiring to give Felix the recovery he doesn’t really need, Seungmin and Hyunjin fell silent. Both were even tight-lipped, looking at something other than Felix’ eyes that were encouraging them to talk.

There goes the habit Seungmin had long wanted to fix again— his focus darting to a warped excuse of a topic related to the conversation. He thinks his attention span is just that of a goldfish. Attributing it to the fact that he has watched too many detective movies and series to entertain himself, resulting in him questioning insignificant details, makes sense, too. 

But immediately after apologizing, he just found what Felix said quite unsettling, for some reason besides the evident one that the other has already seen a death of the same fate. It’s a deranged happenstance, if you’d ask him now that he has wrapped his head around it. And it just fucks up his mind in a way he can’t describe, shivering at the vague thought of it, even though he doesn’t know where it leads.

_ What the fuck is up with these ideas, really? Get your shit together, Kim Seungmin. You’re in front of strangers, who are also potential friends, who can potentially get you out of here, too. _

“Sorry, but, uh, don’t you think it’s a bit sketchy how there’s so much of us roaming in the same city, at the same time, with the same fate? I don’t know, it sounds like a one in a million chance to me, but why does it seem so common?” Seungmin pried, anyway, unable to relieve his desire to present the issue. Thinking that those are separate things they’ve probably known before Seungmin had mentioned it but have never pieced together, Felix tilts his head and takes his time to feel like he’s been a total idiot.

“I think I see it more as the universe’s compensation for what’s happening to us, if that makes sense? So we can find comfort in each other while we solve things together,” Felix replied with his opinion after much reflection. Seungmin doesn’t buy it, though. And Felix wasn’t quite satisfied with it himself. But Hyunjin manages to bust them out of their trance with a snap.

“Oh my god, thanks for reminding me. Have you said or done something that could have provoked the universe to bring you here?” Hyunjin remembered from the direction the conversation was steering. 

He had planned to ask Seungmin about it to either prove his theory or baffle them even further. He thinks whichever happens it’s still a step forward. But it’d be harder for them to solve their respective cases since they can’t base it off from each other’s variables. It’d make his and Felix’ case a rare one, too.

“Why?” Seungmin cautioned.

“You see, before all hell went loose, Felix and I didn’t know each other. I just later found out that I died with him in a car crash, which led to me searching for him. We later discovered that he said something that brought him here. I didn’t. Though, needless to say, I ended up here anyway. 

“At first, I got mad at him for dragging me here. Then, we settled that it’s maybe forgotten, unnoticed or something along the lines of being unknown to us yet. But as of this moment, we believe that it’s really nonexistent. He dragged me here, to do a favor for the both of us.”

Seungmin easily maneuvered Hyunjin to answer him first. Which, by now, is a pattern that Felix has noticed. He admires Seungmin’s inquisitiveness, really, and how he manifests it in a manner of subtle command while maintaining a respectful demeanor.

Though, after hearing Hyunjin’s explanation, Seungmin would have to break it to Felix, if he knew of the other’s thoughts, that he only ever presses an investigation when it’s his current top priority. Apparently, he was, again, busy living his best life when he got to the future to even wonder about its why’s. He must’ve instinctively thought that it was a glitch in the matrix, a mistake, a dream, a scene in a fantasy movie that just happened because the main character just got to have bad  _ bad  _ luck, no other logical reasoning. Just something intended as a punishment but works for him really well.

But before Seungmin could even address the matter, Felix interjects.

“Yes, and that favor is rescheduling the damned death day to at least a few decades later. Keep your perfectly rational list of possibilities to yourselves and let me be delusional. If living a long life is just another theory, then you best believe it’s the only one I’m accepting.” Felix gives the last say on their unfinished debate, not really caring if it’s gonna change anything or if they even listened. He said it for himself.

“Well then I guess I just got dragged here, too,” Seungmin turned to Hyunjin, whose eyes immediately lit up at him.

“How are you so calm about this? When Hyunjin heard of it, he was fuming,” Felix gushed about Seungmin, simultaneously riling Hyunjin up.

Seungmin guessed then that he and his situation would be neglected a bit early in the discussion. But he’d take what he can get. Even if what that is would exactly be panning back and forth between Hyunjin and Felix. 

“I already said that.” Hyunjin rolls the sparkles in his eyes into astral projection.

“Oh, I know. But you didn’t say it properly.” Felix pats Hyunjin’s shoulder twice with an exasperating pout.

“To be fair, you were almost breathing fire when—“

“That was because you sounded like a creepy stalker who’s out for blood. It’s a reaction fitting to how suspicious you seemed that night.” Felix cut him off, granting Hyunjin grinning rights because Felix was, once again, sweeping it under the rug.

“In that case, mine was fitting to how clueless you would have remained if I didn’t tell you anything.” Felix gasps at Hyunjin’s clapback, making Seungmin more absorbed than he already is, despite not understanding half of it.

“Well, I’m sorry I—“

“Hello, excuse me? You guys left the door open so I took advantage of it. I’m just looking for a guy named Kim Seungmin, is he one of you? Or do you know where he is?” A patient barged in on their chaotic banana milk party.

“Why are you looking for me?” Seungmin frowned, trying to separate his disappointment for the cancelled, seemingly harmless but nevertheless engrossing, dissing game.

“YOU’RE THAT GUY?” he shouted, bolting towards Seungmin to check his patient tag. It caught Felix’ and Hyunjin’s attention, of course. Though, if he hadn’t pulled some scene-stealing actions, the two would’ve continued making faces at each other.

“Do I have to repeat myself?” Seungmin eyes the other’s hand gripping his arm and peeks at his patient tag in return.  _ Yang Jeongin,  _ he read almost like it’s a question. 

The stranger senses Seungmin’s discomfort so he backs away. Just a meter, enough to give him his personal space. He shamelessly climbed on top of the spare makeshift warmers that Seungmin prepared. And at that moment, all of them would agree that he seemed agitated, sort of every adjective that points to looking  _ terrible.  _ He knew that, too. So he ran a hand through his hair, bent down and raised his hand, signaling them to wait for him to catch his breath.

“I’m sorry, I was about to freak out… they said… I was… I just got hospitalized here, like on the 3rd, and they immediately ran tests and tried some drugs on me so I was unconscious for two days. When I woke up today, I greeted my next door neighbors. Yours was empty, though. So I asked the nurses in the station where you were. And they asked me if we were pulling pranks again because I already know you and you were in your room, anyway. And I was like  _ no, we’re not? No, I don’t? NO, HE’S NOT?  _

“So, now, can you please explain? What kind of sorcery is this?”

While Seungmin and Felix were still processing what’s going on, the gears in Hyunjin’s brain have calculated that he must have arrived yesterday. And he most likely passed by him when he took notice of Seungmin’s absence but didn’t suspect his identity since he saw him in the flesh, lying in his bed. 

But that means Seungmin and him have different death days. And since he was probably pertaining to the 3rd of last year, unaware of the crestfallen phenomenon that has been cast upon him yet, they have the same left off dates, too. Just like him and Felix. Hence, the one thing he knows for certain.

“Sorry to interrupt your, uh, narrative,” Hyunjin patted the guy’s shoulder and then Seungmin’s, “but he’s the guy who dragged you.”

The sun was about to set just when Hyunjin and Felix were about to exit the city, where he usually just asked Hyunjin to drop him off before, if he didn’t have a shift at the cafe, since it was a short commuting distance from his place. There’s no point in doing that anymore, though, Hyunjin had already seen the building, much more his unit.

It has been a day of bonding over the same fate that bounds them, which was why they ended up going home later than planned. And from how smooth-sailing the hours went, Felix foresees a friendship that would go beyond their need to stick together for survival someday in the future. Someday when all their gossips fall back into petty yet normal ones.  _ Someday. _

Felix would say there’s still not much progress in having that within their reach, though. But he can’t really complain. Because clearly, Hyunjin was taking him somewhere. They weren’t aimlessly walking around in circles. And even if they were, Felix would feel hopeless, of course, but it’d still be better than blindly searching for the answers by himself. Maybe because being around Hyunjin makes him feel like there’s this serene yet pumping music playing in the background. Something new yet something that hits close to home.

But of course, Felix would say that it would be because he’s  _ Hyunjin. _ He’d eventually drive them towards the right track.

However, out of all the unspoken afterthoughts that he whispers to the fast descending light, the last one he tells, for it to keep secret in its sleep, was exactly  _ that. _ That he and Hyunjin were taking a promising path, testified to be true by the theory Jeongin confessed to being his reality, too. 

And that’s the thing. Felix can’t sit still, knowing that the reason they came to a conclusion was because of someone being sent to the future again. And it’s not like he has manipulated the system to personify a proof for them. In fact, Seungmin and Jeongin were already there before Hyunjin crossed paths with them. So he knows that blaming himself is humane at best and stupid at worst. 

_ It’s just that… I just… I just want to get all of us out of here. Soon. _ Felix heaves a sigh, producing condensation on Hyunjin’s car window, with how he sits so close to it. He draws a paper airplane and blows on it. As if he had scribbled a letter of the snippets of his worries and flew it towards the sun, wishing that it would all disappear along with the radiance of the sky.

Just like that, for the rest of the ride, he stared at the view framed by the glass in silence and opened his mouth only when his destination was within his sight.

“It really comes in pairs, huh? That’s another fact-checking that went in your favor,” Felix credited Hyunjin. He thinks Hyunjin deserves to hear it. It’s not him who has mixed feelings over it, after all.

“Told you I’m overall terrific,” Hyunjin replied on the dot. Felix just snickered at the way it sounded rehearsed, like he knew that the compliments were coming.

“Chan-hyung’s case, though…”

Hyunjin removed the key from the ignition, confusing Felix since he wasn’t going to take much longer inside his car. But Hyunjin’s voice replaces the rumble of the engine to a halt before he can even tell him not to adjust for him.

“Well, we don’t have much evidence from his side so we can’t really conclude anything. He could still be a different story. But you told me he started from a clean slate, right, ever since he transitioned to the future? Maybe he didn’t get to meet his soulmate because of that. You know, and all those other connections he missed?” Felix nods, taking notes for Chan. But maybe he doesn’t look convincingly fine about it, even if he really is right now, because of the look Hyunjin was giving him.

“So am I your soulmate now?” Felix raised a brow at the term, as if he had selective hearing, to get rid of Hyunjin’s wrong notion.

“What do you want me to call you, then? My deathmate?” Hyunjin protested, thought flustered by his choice of words and how Felix pointed it out. 

“Yeah, okay, I’d stick with soulmate.” Felix chuckled along with Hyunjin’s nervous laughter that thankfully went unnoticed.

As soon as his embarrassment fades, though, Hyunjin peers behind Felix, at his apartment complex. Then he was back to gazing at Felix. That is, if he wasn’t already stretching his arms towards the backseat for his share of takeout food and the banana milk cartons Seungmin rammed into his arms before they left.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to stay the night? We could eat and catch up. You know, maybe some casual midnight shenanigans? Or we could sleep, of course. Or we could stay at mine.” Hyunjin’s eyes followed Felix, desperately waiting for him to stop moving so he could catch a drift of what was going on.

“I’m good. I prefer a peaceful night. I need some sleep. You need yours, too. So I’m not camping at your place.” Felix, after cleaning up his side of the car, finally saw Hyunjin’s concerned expression. “You don’t have to worry about me, I’m past what happened at dawn.”

“I know. But you look off on the ride home. And it’s not just exhaustion, you can’t give me that excuse. What’s wrong?” Hyunjin dismissed Felix’ assumption, giving his own instead. Except, he’s sure he wasn’t mistaken at all. 

Not that he thinks Felix is a ticking time bomb who needs to be showered with affection every second so as not to explode. He’s just afraid that Felix was going to keep it to himself again. And he understands that most of the time, it’s easier to conceal things than bare it open. On rare occasions, it’s even healthy. But he thinks Felix could really use a full goddamn rest, even just for tonight. If he isn’t getting any of that because he’s gonna be in his head, then he’s better off with a companion.

Hyunjin just hopes Felix meant what he said.

“I’m just… not fond of hospitals.” Felix lied, though not entirely, just not the puzzle that fits today. “I have to go. Goodnight, Hyunjin.”

“Goodnight, Lix.” Hyunjin meant it. Even with the soft smile that he can’t take off his face while Felix was already standing behind the car door. While they were waving their hands like idiots for a whole minute. 

“Drive safely, okay?” Felix knocked on Hyunjin’s door. Hyunjin nodded and took the initiative to leave first. 

As Felix stayed outside to watch Hyunjin go, he realized that everything surrounding Hyunjin, what happened just before he knew him, after he met him and all in between, it’s always something of pain. Maybe it’s Hyunjin’s sheer attraction to everything that still hurts him. Or maybe that’s the nature of them being  _ soulmates  _ with a  _ connection,  _ after all.

Felix shaked it out of his head when the car was beyond the extent that his eyes could trail, just before it completely got to him. He entrusted the moon to guide Hyunjin home and maybe talked to it. 

Just like how he wrote to the sun, he tells of how he still wouldn’t trade Hyunjin for the ease of having someone who doesn’t put him through so much trouble. Ever. But maybe he dreams of a future where nothing’s tying them down anymore, not this fate, not their past. And they’re happy, just like that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well,,,, i know its been so long since i last updated tho i’ve said im gonna put up the next chapter in a few days, and im sorry about that hh
> 
> its the school year started where i live and i became busy :(( so yes, its gonna take a long time before the next one again :(( im sorry about that again :((
> 
> but hopefully you guys still enjoyed this one and can still wait until the end ( comments would be well appreciated since i tend to fall uninspired when im stressed,, pls help me out here i really wanna write this too :(( )


End file.
